How to accept

Sam had a mission and that was to walk up to the popular table. Sam knew how it would go because she's seen it happen before. It would be guys or girls not being accepted to table and viewed as weirdos trying to talk to Lucy or her friends. It would be embarrassing to have to even go through that, but this was Sam's mission she didn't want to fail.

When the bell rang for lunch, Sam bolted up as usual with a plan to catch Lucy by surprise. She needed a perfect distraction for this to be accomplished. She headed to where she usually sits and became very watchful of the popular table which was parked right in the center of the cafeteria, the spotlight. Sam didn't know whether to just get up and go or to grab lunch, yet possibly throwing up as she stands there. It became increasingly obvious that this could go nowhere, and she could just go on about her day. It was this nagging feeling of wanting to be accepted somewhere, she was too white for her black community and too black for the white community. It was in-between stereotype that she hated, but that where she was. She could just accept that and be the best she can be, but Sam didn't want that.

She wanted to see and feel that accepted that she craves so much, she had a loving mother and no father figure (Another stereotype of hers). Sam was just envious of the pretty burette girl, Lucy with her brown eyes and white skin. Lucy's smile could have everyone on their knees. Sam wanted to be just like her. She wanted to be that special to the world as well. That deep envious made her almost not hungry, but she got up anyway and headed to the lunch area. She grabbed a pizza and a chocolate muffin.

"Excuse me!" Sam turned around to see Lucy right there, up close, and personal. Sam almost gasped but stepped out of the way to go and sit down. Sam could say she wanted a makeover right then and there, but she didn't. Maybe she didn't have the balls to do this after all. She sat and ate her lunch watching Lucy and her friend talk and laugh. Her bouncy shiny hair glowing in the sunlight, that's when Sam grabbed a piece of her hair. It wasn't shiny or bouncy or even straight like Lucy's. It was her curly dull hair and she now wanted to straighten it.

Sam stared at herself through her bathroom mirror, she looked long and hard. In elementary, Sam was once bullied for her skin which was darker than the other kids there. She wasn't the only black kid there, but that didn't mean she didn't get made fun of. "Monkey" "Poop or turd" "Nappy head" even "Fatherless child". Some of these comments were from her black peers who joined in the fun because they didn't want to made fun either. She couldn't blame them, but that just gave the white kids more hurtful words to say because if another black kid is bullying another black kid, then it’s okay to do it too. Sam always wondered why her and why no one stood up for her like she did them. Was she an easy target? Did she upset them in any way? What did she do? She remembered what her mother said versus what her teacher told her.

"They bully you because they're hurting, or they heard that from their parents. Don't let their words sink in your skin because that will only block your own judgement of yourself." Her mother hugged Sam after that and let her cry. Her teacher on the other hand said, " They only bully you because they're jealous of you." Or "They're only kids, just tell them; "Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but your words won't ever hurt me." Sam's teacher didn't talk to those kids or console her enough, she just walked away and the those kids came back.

Sam still went to school with those same kids, but they don't look her in the eye. She would wonder sometimes if they ashamed for their words that they said to her. Sam could only wonder that to herself, but never ask them up front.

When she sees Lucy in the hallways, she would imagine that she was beside her laughing and talking, being one of the cool kids having shiny and bouncy straight hair. She would imagine hearing all the gossip and putting her bullies below her and making them feel how she felt all those years ago. Sam knew that those were only something she would if she was cruel. All she could do was get good grades and get into the highest college with a great scholarship. During the weekends, she would try her best to put on make-up just to see how it feels on her skin. She would use her mom's make-up sometimes liking how it looked on her skin, but there was always something off.

Sam knew she needed to ask soon, or she’ll be too confined In her thoughts that she’ll avoid It all the rest of the year. Sam washed her hands when she was felt wet. She looked at her hair which wasn’t straighten anymore, but now curly and frizzing up. She almost cried, the make-up she put on started dripping down her face. “Ugly Cow.” She stood up from the sink watching the foundation fall from her face, she turned to see It was one of the girls In Lucy’s group. “W-what?!” The girl, who Sam didn’t know the name of, glared at her. “I said Ugly-Cow, Are you deaf?” Sam stood frozen just looking at the girl. Her Fiery gray eyes stared Into Sam’s eyes and Sam backed up into a corner. “I’ve seen you before, You’re a nerd and a wannabe. I’ve seen your creepy eyes stare at Lucy like a stalker just like the rest of them. You know you creep Lucy out every day. She just doesn’t have the guts to say anything.” Sam was stunned and didn’t know what to say so she ran out of the bathroom. She felt seen, exposed, and heard without even saying the words out loud, she wasn’t watching where she was going; yet needed to get out of there. She turned the corner and instantly bumped into someone. She fell back looking at the person, Lucy. She backed away and got up, making sure to keep mind of her shoulder. “Are you okay?” She didn’t know whether she should help her or not. The word, weirdo stuck in her mind, and she didn’t move from her spot. “I’m fine, thank you.” She got up and wiped her pants, “Are you okay?” Sam could tell that Lucy didn’t want to look her in the eye and she held her right arm as some sort of comfort. “I’m sorry.”

Lucy didn’t speak, her glow that was usually around her felt dimmer than normal. “It’s okay, it was just an accident. I mean it happens to everyone and it will probably happen again you know. Its fine- “For the first time, she was watching Lucy ramble. “I’m saying sorry if you felt creeped out, I wanted to talk to you about something stupid, but I’ve seen the way you’ve ignore people that do talk to you.” Sam didn’t know where this confidence was coming from, maybe it was the altercation with that girl or just the adrenaline. Sam couldn’t handle the awkwardness and much less wanted to just go. She walked past Lucy and hoped this moment would never resurface back.

“Wait!” Sam stopped and turned to Lucy. “Whatever your name is. What is this stupid something?” Sam hesitated to open her mouth, but took a deep breath,” I want you to help me with a makeover.” That’s when Lucy cracked a smile, "What’s wrong with you?” Sam didn’t know what she meant by that, but she knew what she would tell her. She would tell her Everything. “I just want to see what I would look like. You know, like you.” “Like me?” “Beautiful, shiny, white, and to be able to make the people stop and stare. Not stop and stare like a bad thing.” Lucy nodded, stepping closer. “I can’t help you with that stuff, but I can with beautiful and stop and stare thing. The hardest choice is if you want this makeover then you will need to lose a couple of pounds, cut out any crabs or gluten for a while, and straighten that mop of a mess.” Sam instantly touched her hair when she heard that. Her hair felt dry and wet, she needed to moisturize her hair when she gets home. “Okay, I can do that.” Sam was determined to feel that empowerment that she saw lucy feel and all those other girls.

When she came to school on Monday, she had used heat protection before she straightened it. She wanted to feel accepted and feel that want, she saw everywhere at school. She kept pulling down her shorts as she felt them rile up each time she walked. Sam was having second thoughts, but she was still determined to try out. Sam went to her locker and re-organized her notebooks and took out only her science and math. She closed her locker and jumped when she saw Lucy’s smiling face. The hallways felt quiet, she looked around to see everyone staring at them especially at lucy. “Is this part of the plan?” Sam felt uneasy with the staring and wondered how Lucy could do it and then shamed herself a bit for being those people that stared.

It was everyday at school with staring, it started to overwhelm me a bit. “You’ll get use to it. When this first happened to me, I was scared and confused all day with people talking to me or just staring. After a while, It helped me boost my confidence a lot. It’ll happen to you too.” With Lucy’s words, she hoped that confidence would come, but she never felt it. With the weeks passing, the constant tugging and heat on her hair; she feared that it would be damaged and would have no way be curly again. Didn’t Sam want that? Wasn’t that the price that she paid for when she finally asked Lucy for help? What did Sam want now?

“I think that’s the girl that was upset with me in the bathroom.” Sam pointed to a girl that glared straight at her, “She said that yall were best friends and you both knew everything about each other.” Lucy let out loud chuckle with sounded sweet, yet sour. “Of course, she would say that. All of them say the same exact thing. Don’t worry about her, she up-coming crazes.” Sam just nodded and continue to draw in her notebook. “What do you even draw in there?” Lucy leaned in to try to peek, but Sam quickly closed the notebook. “Nothing.”  Sam had a lot drawing of her with a smile or just places she’s been at. She has only one of Lucy which she never wanted anyone to see.

When she arrived home wearing a baggy hoodie to hide the clothes that lucy let her have.  Her mother was sitting on the couch watching Dr. Phil and she smiled at Sam with the sweetest smile that crushed Sam’s heart. “Hi Mama, how was your day?” Sam headed to the kitchen to fix her a bowl of whatever her mother cooked. “My day was good, how was yours?” “It was good as well.” She put the bowl in the microwave. She needed to hurry; she knew her mom would have questions about the hoodie. “Well Mama, I’ll get to my room. I’ll be right back.” She was about to walk down the hall, “I need to talk to you real quick honey.” Sam stopped and sighed heavily. “Yes Mama.” Her mom turned off the Tv and Sam knew it was serious. “I wanted to talk to you about your recent changes.” Sam sucked in her breath and smiled weakly at her mom, “What changes?”

Sam’s mother made her sit beside her and Sam wanted to find different ways to be excused. “Now, I’ve noticed the way your hair was before the clothes change.” Did her mom know? Was she about to yell at her foolishness or just use the good ole “I’m very disappointed in you”? Sam was ready, but at the same time; she wasn’t. “Is something wrong with it?” She reached and touched her straight hair. “No baby, It’s just different than I thought. It’s obvious to me, that you may be going through changes and that’s okay. I just want you to know that I love the real you and not something that’s not you. I don’t see you draw as much and spend way too much time outside which is nice, but not you.” Sam listened to her mom and then she thought about Lucy. Suddenly, she said aloud to her mom; “But Mama, I want to be white.” Sam almost gave her mom a heart attack. Her mom crushed her in a hug and cried which finally made Sam cry, her cries could reach the heavens.

Sam and her mom had a deep conversation about identity and realization and how things deeply affected them. “I’ve always been called white even though, I’m black. I’ve never understood what that meant. The heartbreaking part was that it was by a family member who I loved, and their words still hurt even till this day. Words can affect you as well as what our eyes see, A word can make your eyes be direct on that. It will be on your mind and shadow your thoughts. It can even break you how it wants. What I want you to know is that you are my baby and I love you. You may think you need to be a type of way to get through this world, but you don’t. you just need to be you and friends that match your energy will come along. With, “I want to be white”; Let’s reserve it with, “I want traits and characteristics it gives for others. You don’t want to be white; you want what it gives to white people. You are so beautiful; I love you and I hope you love yourself as who you are. A smart black girl who’s going to change the world. That’s who you are to me, but who are you to yourself Sam.”