Fitting In (Not)

Most people know what it’s like to be supported by family and friends, but I don’t have that luxury. The only friend that supports me and my decisions is Simon. He has always been there for me. He’s never looked down on me for what I wanted or who I wanted to be. It was Kind of hard to look up to me though, I am a short scrawny boy who is living in the wrong body. When I was a little kid I would always do the typical “boy” things like watch boy shows or playing outside in the mud, something girls typically wouldn't do. I ended up wanting to change my appearance when I was younger and my father was hesitant but then allowed it. I used to have long blond hair and now I have short brown hair. I was very ‘tomboy-ish’ anyway but now I'm just a boy in general. I haven't changed much as a person, I’m just NOT a girl. 

~~~

My friend Simon was always the one I could go to for everything, he never judged me. Even when I came out to him. He was the only person I could trust, but then Sarah walked into my life, she is my other friend. I felt like I could be real with her because she was always real with me. My girlfriend, Bella didn't mind that I wanted to be a guy, she always said, “As long as we stay together and you’re still the person that I have been dating, then I have no problem with who you want to be.” I’ve always loved that response. She would never judge me for anything that I decided to do. My mother was always supportive of me, but my dad on the other hand said, “But you’ve always been my little girl, I can’t see you as a boy.” I wasn't really surprised about that, I mean just because he’s my dad doesn’t mean he has to like the idea. I lost the majority of my friends because of this. My dad would post about me on social media and tell people about this “ridiculous phase” that I'm going through, most of them would agree with him. 

~~~

“Dalia”, my father said. I hate when he calls me that. I walked down stairs and corrected his ‘mistake’, “It’s not Dalia anymore dad, you know what my name is.” “Do not talk back to me, I already told you that I am not calling you Toby.” My name rolled off his lips with hatred, he said it as if I was insane for even trying to get him to use it. I didn’t respond and I walked outside to feel the crisp Autumn breeze against my slightly red cheeks. My mom was outside standing on the porch drinking her just brewed coffee, “Have a good day at school Toby, I love you.” The way my mother said my name was blissful and heartwarming, it was very far from how my father spoke. I never knew why she liked him, he was always mean to everyone. I guess he always did have a soft spot for her. ”Bye mom, I love you too!” I said to her before I started walking to my car”

~~~

It was my first day at school, my parents had just woken up and I was already ready and dressed. “Good morning Sarah, did you sleep well?” my mother asked me. I just nodded my head and smiled at her, she smiled back. I started to head to the front door before my brother stopped me and gave me a hug, he can’t speak either. He can only mumble words and some sentences, he is 15 and he is 2 years younger than me. He had small freckles dotted across his sleepy face. His shaggy brown hair was already past his ears and you could just barely see his hazy green eyes through it. I gave him a kiss on his forehead and walked outside, it was freezing outside. My house is a little out of the way of the school but it only takes me 20 minutes to get there with my shortcut that I take. 

I started to walk on the trail and made it in 17 minutes, record time.

~~~

“Simon!” I yelled across the parking lot. “Toby, I missed you,” he said as he hugged me. “I missed you too, summer break has been really time consuming and all I did was work,” I said. To be fair, summer break mostly consumes me with work, but sometimes I just didn't feel like hanging out with anyone. I just wanted to be alone most of the time, I already talk to enough people at work. “Yeah me too, I hated the long closing shifts I had,” he says as he grabs my arm and pulls me to start walking towards the building. “I just wish school was over and we only had to work and then maybe we could hang out more,” I said. “Maybe,” he said.

~~~

I walked inside the school to see my boyfriend, Daniel. He was hanging out with his group of friends, I didn't know them well enough to hangout with them. I walked over to him, “Sarah,” he said as he kissed my forehead. I gave him a hug and signed I love you to him, he signed it back. I loved when he did sign language, it made me feel special. None of his friends or anyone in the school knew what we were talking about unless he told them, which he never did. He always tells them, “Our conversations are ours only.” I just wish I could tell him verbally that I loved him, I want to tell him that he smells like freshly baked blueberry muffins, or that his voice is like listening to the ocean crash into the earth, Sharp but soothing. He is my light in the night sky, I know it sounds cheesy and dumb but it’s true. He interrupts my thoughts, “Hey we should get to class.” 

~~~

“You’re late,” my teacher said as I walked in. I showed her my notebook that said I'm sorry it won't happen again. “It’s fine, just hurry up next time.” She then taught her lesson, as she was doing so Stacy in the seat behind me started making fun of me for being mute. My boyfriend overheard her and I saw him clench his fists. I looked at him and signed It’s okay, just ignore her please. He shook his head in agreement, but he still looked mad for the rest of class. After the class was over me and him met up in the hallway and he hugged me, “I’m sorry you have to go through that.” I hugged him back and signed. It's not all that bad, I just pretend I dont notice and they eventually stop. He looked at me and brushed off whatever he was going to say.

~~~

After school hours Simon and I were going to go to a pride event in town. He picked me up and we drove there. Once I stepped out of the car I was greeted by a bunch of protesters telling me I shouldn't be here, saying ‘it's not what god wanted and I should burn in hell for my sins’. I just brushed them off, but one of them started to grab me and then Simon. I tried to break free but they were pretty strong. But then a young woman and a tall boy next to her came up with a police officer and we were dropped to the floor. The 4 men were arrested. “Thank you so much!” I said to them, “You're welcome,” the boy said. But the girl didn't say anything, she just stood there. Until she grabbed a notebook from her bag and wrote Sorry I'm mute, your welcome. FINALLY I have a  reason to use sign language. She looked surprised when I signed. I appreciate what you did. The boy next to her looked just as surprised as she did. What is your name? I signed to her. This is Daniel and my name is, she then signed the letters S-A-R-A-H, Sarah.