Legally Changed

I loathed you, maybe you loathed you too. You found yourself always trapped in a series of unfortunate events. Some may say you manufactured some for yourself but honestly I wish I could say that was it, if it was as is, you would have been better. Mentally, socially, psychologically, physically.

You were many things. Some would call you easily phased or naïve or even perplexed and quickly deceived by what you referred to as the ‘finer things of life’ You chose them over us, a them that hurt you every time and anytime they had the opportunity to, a them that without raising or even thinking up a quarter sensible one, would give you a bad time for the fun of it. You were the mysterious little girl, like a mystery box, that people began to grow fixated and wondrous on what was inside, you were always ever so willing to show them though and the one’s you didn’t had sworn to secrecy to the ones you did tell. A shared trophy you were, although you were a trophy barely ever really claimed.

You were hurt. You made ‘people’ or the mere thought of human life rather sickening, especially bullies cos they did more than hurt you. They drove you to a state where you hurt yourself to numb the pain you were feeling, at least an aspect of it or at least move it to another area of yourself. From your mind to your hand, from your heart to your private parts.

You had believed everyone had some type of ‘good’ in them and truly in them and truly wanted to stand by it but as the rules of physics would say, something can only remain constant when not affected by external factors. So some days you decided to take the good parts (as you would call it) and sew them together, just to be right.

You had an undying hope that things would change. You know I would even call you oblivious, how can you believe that after bitten, you still remained shy, twice, maybe more? ‘They would change’, maybe even you might but till now, although the fire that burned bright is slowly dying out, nothing has changed. Well maybe not nothing….

As time passed, I became fixated on your personality. Gradually, slowly but surely, you made me love you for hating yourself. You became my project, my silver lining in the Evermoor of darkness we were facing, and my redemption from what I used to be. Making me realize I was never the problem, you were never the problem, ever.

The relief you feel when you realize were never really public enemy no. 1, you were just the topic sentence of the time, the ‘girl to be talked about for now’ not forever, just for now. You made me realize I was quite popular in the real prospects of things (popular loner lol) because if not for the attitude and character I developed for the good of both of us, then we would have been destroyed, and I would never have let that happen, even when things got hard, I tried my best to show that we were more than the mere problems we faced, we weren’t better than everyone else, just better than those who felt it right to step on others to better their rock bottom self-esteem.

 Those that made you believe you were the bad guy, those who made you see yourself in darker lenses; you shouldn’t have seen yourself in rainbow lenses, surely, but you weren’t as bad as the painting looked. They deserve to burn in hell, the hottest parts of it, just for making you see yourself as a not good enough, never satisfied, always trying to please everyone but herself type of girl.

Funny thing about this journey so far is that I still see you in me sometimes, I thought I could successfully bury a section of myself without looking back. Because us right now is far from what we were when you were in charge. What we are now would be so surreal to you if you look back at how we used to be. You wouldn’t even believe it honestly, what we are now isn’t just one word. We are an epitome of so many different things, so many amazing things.

I have come to the time in my life were I am okay with having flashbacks of you once in a while. They no longer scare me but remind me on how far I have gone and how much I have left. It surges excitement through my veins sometimes because I know I am going farther than how far I already am. Before, I would see you and disown you but now I see you and am perfectly okay with you being the old me, I am okay that we were one of the few to transition into newer, better versions of ourselves.

I did not have my story straight before, I am not sure if I completely do right now but one thing is for sure, I am fine with that and I know you probably would not have been, you would have found a way to blame it on yourself but I am different now, we are different now.

In all honesty, I am you and you are me. I would not have it any other way because you make me feel like most of my bad days have passed away, definitely bad days would still come but we are well off prepared for it now. I got us friends that would stand by us through thick and thin and for the times when it seems we have none, we have each other. Each other to me is magnificent now. It is something maybe I always longed for before and finally have. It is something I know I deserve, I know we deserve.

You were my worst and the best I ever had. So fuck you and thank you.