The Miracle of Alexis

The lights were flickering, buzzing, an insect-like sound. It bothered me that I was alone. I hated the eerie silence and pacing up and down the aisles looking for cream of mushroom soup only added to my stress. The emptiness cut to my bones, making goosebumps appear on my skin. I turned to leave when I heard it. A small, sweet coo. As I headed towards the sound, the coo turned into a wail, and there was no mistaking what it was. A tiny baby lay swathed in a muslin blanket in the middle of the frozen foods section. How it got there I had no idea, but it was clear no one was coming back for the screaming creature. The light smell of coconut turned acidic as I got closer, and the source of the wailing became obvious. Sighing, I scooped the poor thing up and headed in the direction of the diapers. It was late when I escaped the supermarket, late enough that the streets were empty and the stars clear. I was halfway to my car before I considered an obvious question. How would I get this baby home? I had no car seat for it, and no one to hold it while I drove. I sighed again, wondering if being an asshole and leaving the baby where I found it was an option. All my morals said no. So, I used my sweater to strap the baby to my chest, driving home with its soft hair against my chin.

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The impact of small legs against my stomach made my eyes fly open, a distinct 'oof' escaping my lips. The sound of light, bubbly giggles drawing a smile to my scowling face.

"Don't frown, mommy, it makes you scary!" more giggles followed the statement made by my daughter. In response, I bared my teeth and growled, earning a small shriek. I pounced, tickling her sides maliciously until she laughed so hard tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Okay gigglemonster, time for breakfast!" I picked up my little girl and ran to the kitchen with her on my shoulder.

"Pancakes or waffles?" I asked.

"Waffles!"

"Okay, go get dressed while I make them."

"Strawberries?"

"Yes, we'll have strawberries with them." this earned a small exclamation as she skipped down the hall to her room. I smiled after her, so happy that this little girl was mine.

I remembered the night I found her. At four in the morning in a grocery store, it seemed only reasonable to take her home with me. In the long run, it was. Whoever left her in the supermarket missed out on an amazing little girl. Alexis was the sweetest, and everyone who met her loved her. I tried to make this home feel safe and warm and loving all the time, remembering my own childhood.  My father devoted all his time to work, and, much as she loved us, my mother was not a good parent. Most of the time her depression ruled her, causing random outbursts of anger and a terrifying blankness to consume her eyes. It was my older brother who cooked and cleaned and kept my older sister and me presentable. He was older than me by only 11 months, but I adored him and thought he knew everything. My sister was four years older than me and had downs syndrome. She was always so sweet, it was she who played barbies with me when none of my friends would. My siblings and I were close, we had to be. When our parents went to Vegas for a vacation and never came back, we took care of each other. Now they're both happily married, with five kids between them. When I moved to New Hampshire they chipped in to help me buy my apartment and promised to be only a call away. I wanted kids of my own, siblings who would be as close as my brother, sister and I were. When I found out, life crashed down around me. To not be able to have children, to not be able to love and care for a child the way my parents never did, it crushed me.

Finding Alexis was a miracle, though I was too sleep-deprived to realize it at first. Now that she was older, she would be starting school, though. Tomorrow, to be precise. It scared me, the thought of her being in a place where I could not protect her. She was so confident, not scared at all.  In fact, she was excited. Making friends and socializing were her specialties. Today we would have one last day of summer. Ice cream and Ferris wheels and the beach. Her perfect day.

"Ready, sweetie?" I called as the waffles cooled.

"Yep!" She came trotting in wearing her favorite swimsuit, ready to take on the world.

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I was up early, making eggs and laying out clothes, making sure her morning would go smoothly. I didn't want her to have any cause for nervousness.

Opening her curtains and sending light shining down onto her face was the way she liked me to wake her up, so this morning I did just that.

Getting her to eat her eggs and blueberries was easy.

Getting her dressed was easy.

Getting her in the car was easy.

Getting her out of the car was painfully easy.

But saying goodbye was hard. How do you release the child you've constantly worried over for five years into the world so abruptly? It's difficult. I knew I would worry about her the entire time she was away, the same way I knew she would be fine the entire time she was away. She was strong, not because she had to be, but because I encouraged her to be. She was smart, not because she had to be, but because I helped her. And she was sweet, not due to abuse, but due to love.

"I love you, Alexis."

"I love you, too, mommy."

And I let her go. Go to take on the world with a smile.