Patching Up Rainbows

Something in me told me this wouldn't be the last time we spoke. I pushed down the feeling, finished shoving my shoes in the plastic tote I had bought for Christmas decorations and I began to cry. The feeling of my heartbreaking took over and within moments I was consumed in sobs, face in my palms and I sank to the floor in tears.

"Are you okay..?"

"How could ANY of this be okay?" I blubbered, "How can YOU just be okay?!"

Ignoring my gut instinct that told me not to, I turned my head to see his face. He stood in the doorway that connected the kitchen and the living room, his arms crossed, leaning on the frame in a relaxed manner. His face was calm, but his brown eyes were filled to the brim with emotions he would never speak on. 

“I’m not.. I just don’t know what else to do Clara.” He flung his arms open then retreated to running them through his thick, curly brown hair. My heart skipped a beat remembering running my own hands through them the night before, oh how I longed to go back to that moment. 

“There’s nothing else we can do.” I put the last of my shoes in the tote. Pushing myself to my feet I wiped away the stream of salty tears that were cascading down my face. “We are broken, Noel.”

“We weren’t broken before you slept with him!” 

“Yes we were!” My heart was pounding. We had gone from feet apart to inches from each other's faces, screaming, in seconds. “You slept with Babs behind my back, you have been for months Noel! Before I moved in, before she got pregnant, before I..” 

The room fell silent. I caught myself before I finished my sentence. Noel took a step back, his eyes fixed on me. Mine were locked on the floor out of fear of meeting his gaze. Disappointment and disgust filled my chest making it heavy and hard to breath. 

“Before you what?”

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“What did you two do, Clara? I want to hear you say it.” Noel's voice shook as he spoke. 

“I will never tell you, Noel. The day you got her pregnant was the day my business became my own. YOU did this to us, YOU caused us to be broken long before my actions last night.” I spat my words, making sure each one stuck in his brain. As soon as I finished I grabbed up the tote and left, slamming the front door behind me. 

This is the last time he will hurt me! I thought to myself as I climbed in my jeep, not allowing myself to tear up as I drove away. I could see Noel in his driveway watching me go as I turned the corner, once he was out of sight the emotions hit. 

~ ~ ~ ~

“Been a long time..”

A familiar voice startled me back to reality from the depth of my thoughts on low sodium soup. I turned to see the face of Noel, my ex-boyfriend. Shock hit me like a wave, my words caught in my throat as I looked back and forth between him and the can of soup I was holding. Setting down the canned good I exhaled, collected myself and smiled at him. 

“Hi! Yeah, it’s been a.. Long time. Like two years.” I half laughed, half nervously shrugged off the mental picture of the last time we had seen each other. 

“How have you been doing? What's new?” His eyes sparkled, bringing back the embers of feelings from our relationship. Despite it being years since we had seen each other I still felt myself hanging off his every word. 

“I’ve been good, I started college last year and have been working at the hospital a couple counties over. How about you?”

“That's great! I’ve been here.” he turned his arms up to indicate the isles of food items around us. I took that moment to look him up and down, grinning at his familiar work clothes I had always found so adorable. “The good ol’ grocery store.” 

My mind went back to when we had met. He had been sixteen just starting his job here as a bag boy. His mother had been the customer service clerk and had pulled him in at a good starting wage to justify him dropping out of traditional school. I had admired his hard work ethic at such a young age. I, being thirteen at the time we met, was attracted to his mature way of helping to support his family in the absences of his father. 

“How long have you been here now?” I asked even though I knew the answer.  The fear of him sensing her fanning the embers of their old flame in her mind. 

“It has been.. Going on eight years now.” Noel smiled, suddenly standing up straighter. His chocolate brown eyes locking in on mine. “I’m off for lunch, would you like to join me?”

“I could go for something.” I spoke before I could even process what I was saying or could stop myself from speaking. Before I could refrain, I word vomited again. “Hows Babs?” 

The expression on Noel's face changed from playful to serious in a matter of seconds. I could feel my anxiety fill every muscle in my body and in one swoop they all stiffened with fear of what he was about to say. His eyes dropped to the ground, his voice now a low harsh rumble as though he had aged in front of me. 

“Babs and I were never a thing, after you left, she..” He looked around him as though she would be standing behind him, “Walk with me? You don’t have to have lunch with me but this isn't a conversation I want to hear within earshot of my coworkers.” 

I nodded, following him silently through the long isles of the store I had shopped at my whole childhood. Passing people we knew, they gave us eyes and went along their business. I knew they were sure to be spreading to the small town gossip mill that Noel and I had been seen together. Due to our age difference my father had made it known to the town about our relationship status and age difference, ever since the women in town had kept a close eye on him. 

Once we reached his car, he opened his drivers door and plopped himself down. He took a few drags off a freshly lit cigarette, rubbing his free hand through his hair he let out a stiff laugh. 

“Babs aborted our baby the day after you left me. She said she wasn’t ready to be a mom yet and she didn’t want to have a child with a father like me.” I could sense the exhaustion in his voice as he spoke. 

“I didn’t know.. I’m sorry, Noel. I thought you two had the.. I left to…” I stumbled over my words, not wanting to make the situation more awkward than it was. 

“You left to do what?” His voice had turned shril and bitter, catching me off guard.  My mind went back to the day before Noel and I had broken up.

I had woken up early that morning to get to the bathroom before Noel got up to get ready for work. The day before I had hidden a dollar store pregnancy test among the boxes of tissue and extra rolls of toilet paper in the bottom of the bathroom cabinet knowing he would never adventure there to find it. Upon seeing the two little pink lines I had been filled with excitement, I had been over the moon at the idea of having a child with the man I loved with all of my heart. In the same moment my cell phone screen lit up with a text message from Babs, she too had taken a pregnancy test and it too was the child of Noel. She had spilled the secret of their year long affair behind my back of which resulted in her child. 

“Are you okay, Clara?” Noel grabbed my hand, snapping me back to reality. I pulled it away sharply. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Inhaling, I centered myself. Bracing myself for what was about to come next. “Noel, the truth is.. The day we broke up, I found out I was pregnant. I..”

“And you never felt that you should tell me this?” Anger swelled in his face as he stood up from his car seat. 

“I had found out that morning! I didn’t know what to do, I was 18 and.. Hurt. You had hurt me.”

“So my punishment was you both taking my children? What happened to this baby? To our baby?” Noel spat his words. Flicking his cigarette to the ground and lighting another. He wouldn't look at me, instead he placed alongside his car, taking long drags of his smoke. My heart felt like it was breaking all over again, I began to tear up as I spoke. 

“I lost our baby. I had a miscarage.” I spat my words back at him, turning on my heels. I began walking toward my car a few spots down. 

This is ridiculous, I never should've come here. I thought to myself. My emotions washed over me and I began to cry harder. All the feelings I had pushed down came to bare their ugly teeth. I stopped in my tracks, unable to move my legs. All of sudden my body felt heavy with grief. Grief for the happiness I lost, for the family I could’ve had, for the mother I wanted to be so deeply to the baby I couldn’t hold. My mind spun. Before I could calm myself I felt two strong hands on either of my arms. They pulled me into Noels familiar board chest. 

“I’m sorry, Clara. I didn’t know.. That must’ve been so hard to go through.” He spun me around so I faced him. Using one hand he wiped away my tears. “Why didn’t you tell me, Clara?”

“You had her and her baby, I didn’t think you’d want me. You had cheated on me to be with her so i thought I wasn’t enough for you, I thought..”

“I know I was wrong, I was wrong for treating you both how I did. You both deserved better than what you got from me, but I always would’ve wanted to be there for you and our baby.” this time he spoke his words gently, soothing away the remaining tears that were welling up in my eyes.

“Noel, I loved you and I wanted you to be there but you weren’t. That's just how it went, we can do nothing with ‘should’ve, could’ve, would’ve’s at this point” I wiped my face dry with my hands then pushed myself away from him so i stood unconnected to him. 

“Loved, as in doesn’t anymore and can’t again or..”

“Stop it Noel.”

“Be straight with me, Clara, you came here today knowing you would see me. You come here for something every time you’re home for the holidays because you know I always work them. I know there's a part of you that still fights how we ended.” he smirked, putting out another cigarette. 

“Stop it, my family is here, I come here for them.” I began to walk away but before I could take two steps I was wrapped up in Noels arms. His soft, plush lips pressed firmly against mine. I felt my body melt into his grasp as the old, coldened flame burst back into light in my heart. It was like we stood, suspended in time until he gently pulled his lips away. Looking deep into my eyes, I could see the playful joy sparkling in his, he grinned. 

“I’ve been waiting two years for you to come into this store ready to speak to me again. I know we have so much we need to work through with our past, I’m here willing to work through it so we can be happy.” He pulled me tighter, his right hand slipping below my waist and resting with a firm grip on my buttox. “You should come home with me, we can have a sandwich lunch at my house and talk about things.” 

Part of me wanted to tell him no, to walk to my car and never come back to this town again. I wanted to sap him and tell him how dare he even ask such a crazy question after what he had put me through. The other part of me wanted to jump into his arms and tell him I forgave him. To go with him, talk about my feelings and fix our relationship as I had secretly dreamed about since the day we broke up. That part of me won. I nodded in agreement and allowed him to wisp me to his car. Heart on my sleeve I dove in head first to all of the things I had dwelled on over the years. I spoke openly about my fears and my hurt and my dreams for us as a team. I even spoke about our baby freely, unlike i ever had before with anyone. 

~ ~ ~ ~

Bing!

Text from Clara: We need to talk! 

Bing! 

Text from Clara: I’m Pregnant Noel(: