Who am I?

*This is dedicated to those finding their truths in themselves and living their best lives.

Who am I?

I finally know who I am but it took many years to figure out the truth.

My legal name is Ben Vixen. But well there is something I have been hiding from everyone since I was really little.

I am 24 years old, a successful healthcare administrator at a top-notch health care organization with improved sentiments for patient care and the like. It is my passion to work in the health care industry. It is my passion to live life to the fullest and be my true self. But I have been lying to everyone.

Oh, where to begin. When I was younger, I was a short stalky kid that kept to him. When I was home alone, I would wait till one hour after my mother and father and older brother left and I would dress up in my mother’s dresses, her heels, with doing my make-up. I admit I loved it and I couldn’t stop it. It started with changing my hair. I always felt that I was in the wrong body.

I felt that I was alone in this and as my brother did sports, soccer, football, tennis. I did the more feminine type of sports like ice skating, gymnastics, and ballet. I lived for it. I loved being a dancer, a competitive athlete but I was always told dresses are for girls and pants are for boys.

I was bullied for being more effeminate. I was bullied for my last name and I was bullied because I was always shorter than the rest of the boys. High school was a joke of a show. I was forced into a confined space with vultures. And where most boys crushed on Selena Gomez or Halsey, I was dreaming over Dylan O’ Brien, Leonardo Dicaprio, Johnny Depp, and even I have to admit Hugh Jackman.

I admitted my sophomore year that I was gay. Being gay at my high school was like an awakening ceremony for me. Everyone at my high school accepted me which was eye-opening. I started to branch away from sports and joined the Drama club. I know the cliché thing to do but hay I wanted to branch out. I joined the science club and even AP biology which made me realize my passions were medically based.

At that time I told my mom first. She understood and said she knew that I was a little more eccentric as she put it than the other boys. I agreed to that. And my father even though he seemed to be a harder egg to crack, he was accepting of what I wanted in life. He said if I was happy then he would be happy too.

I smiled remembering this but my sophomore year was the year of change for me. I got my first boyfriend, who I am still together with and we have been going strong for the past 9 years. We went to school dances together, dreamed of living, and made way for better experiences. We both visited California for the first time together and we both got matching Mickey ears at the happiest place on earth.

Now as the years went by I slightly started to become depressed and agitated at life, I was distant with others and sometimes even my boyfriend. I started to feel uncomfortable in my skin. I wasn’t happy with who I was or what I was. And it was apparent to the people that loved me.

In my junior year of high school one day, my brother sat me down after beating my butt on an online game and asked what was up with me. I told him I didn’t know. And that at the time was the truth. I didn’t know why I was having dreams and dreams of me dressing up again, something I hadn’t done in years at the time.

He said well when you figure it out, let’s talk. My boyfriend and I even with our rough patch stayed together because he loved me. He loved who I was. He loved me and that was what made me start to evaluate what was going on. So you can guess that post-high school I had found myself because I was maturing and such. But that isn’t the case at all. I didn’t have any clue once I graduated from high school and went to college.

I didn’t know that I was depressed or that I was being mean and snappy. No, I had no clue.

I have to say and my boyfriend started to be distant during this time. This was a period of change for me. We both did different majors. I was majoring in Medical administration and my boyfriend, who went to the same college as me, and I both worked together and rented a two-bedroom apartment together started to branch out and find ourselves. I joined a social rights club, I joined the disabilities movement group, internships at medical facilities, and I also joined an anime club, which was something that I was introduced to by one of my best friends in middle school.

I started to listen to these clubs and started to learn that it was okay to be frustrated and it was okay to feel like you don’t fit in just right yet but that is where they helped me a lot. And this is where I met Annalisa, a transgender female from Canada who was doing a work internship at my medical facility. She was roughly my age and was the sweetest lady I had met. She was always gifted with medical expertise and she showed me the ropes at the medical facility but also with myself. At that time, I realized I was much more than Ben Vixen.

I realized why I had been so frustrated all these years and it was because I didn’t know who I was. Now at this time, I still didn’t. But I started learning about her frustrations too and that she had and her transition to being the woman that she is. I learned that there is so much more to life than being in a box my whole life.

My boyfriend started to see that I was much happier with myself. We started to do date nights and we started to learn how to accept each other’s differences. I slowly started to branch out and this started with make-up and dying my hair. I went from looking like a typical masculine man to looking like my true self. I died my hair a deep shade of blonde from its cryptic brown it had been.

I started to wear reds and blues on my face and I looked a lot better in appearance. I started seeing a change in myself. I started to see what I want to be. I started small. This was the hardest part for me and in college, it was no easier than finding out your unique or different, which is the hard part. But I started to shave my growing beard daily. I started to slowly go to more feminine tops and more dresses than I had before. But I learned what my truth was and what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a woman. I wanted to live my truth.

My boyfriend accepted me and I accepted him. He said he wouldn’t mind if I transitioned because he loved me for me. I accepted him for him and that is what life is, accepting each other to be the best they can be. I told Annalisa first who cheered because she said she knew it from the beginning.

This was my junior year of college when I slowly started to transition. I know becoming a woman is hard, it is the hardest thing someone can do, and becoming a woman doesn’t mean you just wear dresses. It means hormones, it means surgeries, it means acceptance, trust, and it means to be the best you can be. You have to accept who you are. And if that means transitioning into the man or woman you are and burning some bridges, and accepting the fact that we don’t live in a fairy tale, we live in a world of discrimination and a world of fear.

I was Ben Vixen in a past life but now during this time, I turned into the woman I wanted to be. My doctor diagnosed me with gender dysmorphic and we talked for weeks with long hours on how I should combat this. Back in the day, doctors that centralized in the care of people that were or are transgender were a myth, a dream and now they are out there that can help people.

I am a woman and I now have fully transitioned. My parents accepted me for who I am and my big brother calls me by my new name; Clara Allison Vixen. I transitioned two years ago and have lived my truth ever since.

But not everyone is as lucky as me. Now don’t get me wrong, it has been hard and painful and lots of tears shed to get to here because of who I am. But what I take is that when my truth did come to light, it made sense, it made the realization that the world can be mine if I make it my own.

I knew from a young age that I was different, unique even. Now I know who I am with my female mind. My team at the medical facility accepts me for who I am. I have lived my truth that came to life with some soul searching and you can too, live your best life whatever life has to offer.