The Lookout

Trigger warning: this story depicts moments of sexual assault, violence and domestic abuse.

I lay in the squishy mud and prayed silently. Hoping I could hold my breath just a little bit longer. Every sound, every movement spiking my heart rate to an aggressive degree. I was going to die in this pile of mud and leaves. Never seeing my family again. My life may disappear because of a simple mistake. A quick reply on a dating site. He flattered me and I ate it up. Agreed to a date. And now here I am in the dark forest barely breathing, praying the monster gives up before I do. How did this end so badly?

Three Weeks Earlier 

Sarah

“Sarah Rae, what are you doing?” my best friend Callie yells down the hallway.

“I’m picking out an outfit. Somebody landed a date tonight,” I sing out, excitement bubbling up. This will be my first date in a year, since I left home and said goodbye to Anthony. He was stunned. Thought we would be the forever kind of love. I did too for a while. Then I knew I needed to take this opportunity in the city, to fulfill my dream job of writing. He didn’t want to uproot his life, and so we split. And he was devastated, surprisingly, I was not. Guess I made the right decision. I lift my hand up to a scar above my eye. Remembering it was more than just pursuing my dreams that ended us. 

That being said, somehow, I missed men. I missed holding someone’s hand. Cuddling. Kissing. I set up the profile on the dating app partially as a joke. A joke that was answered by Kyle. He seems sweet enough. His message about my dog was the clincher for the date, but who am I kidding? Im horny and alone. I would have said yes to a rotten potato. I just want a night out. I need a night out.

“On Valentine’s Day? Some loser messaged you for a date on this day and you said yes? Man, you are desperate,” Callie laughed.

“Shut up. But also, I am. I am so desperate. I haven’t had a dating prospect in a year. I feel like I may shrivel up soon. Forgive me if I want a night out with potential for more. And more is actually what I’m striving for. But not too much if you know what I mean,” I giggle.

Anthony

This night was going to be perfect. Yes, maybe I lied. Yes, maybe I tricked her. She might freak out for a minute, but she will calm down. She will be so happy that I came here. She can’t run away from me forever. At some point, we need to have the talk. And since she won’t let me see her when she visits home, I had to come to her. Just to talk. To tell her how I feel. To show her how much she means to me.

Yes, she may be mad at first, but then she will come around. She’s the only one for me. And I am the only one for her. Nobody else can love her like I do. Shit, I have been telling her for years. Nobody will love her crazy talk. Or her obsession with reptiles. Or the fact she thinks a passion like writing can become a career. Sometimes she hums out loud. Nobody else would deal with that shit. I don’t remember how many times I have told her, only I could love her like this. Nobody else could, not with all of her strange quirks. And I made sure she knew it. And tonight, I will remind her. 

Kyle

I have a date tonight. Odd for sure. I’m a bit of a loner. But this girl seems too good to pass up, well the night does anyway. One night out. I can handle this shit. Nothing to worry about. 

I look in the mirror and smile. Damn I look good tonight. Shaved. Haircut. Best clothes. The dimples help too. Chicks love the dimples. 

I close up my gaming system and grab my keys and phone. I have two last text messages to send and then I’m off. 

“On my way, can't wait to meet you!”

“About to begin. See you in a bit. Don’t be too rough.”

All set, one last glance in the mirror. Perfect.

Sarah 

I can’t stop smiling. This night has gone so well. He picked out a super chill casual restaurant which I love. I walked in and he was already sitting waiting for me. He waved his hand when he saw me with the maitre d. I waved back and felt my cheeks flushing. Damn he was cute. His pictures didn’t do him justice.

“Hey,” I stammered. My mouth dried up instantly, and I think my pits were already sweating. I should have done a trial run with a less cute date first. This one was making me too nervous.

“Sarah. So good to meet you. Come sit down. Do you want to order a drink or anything to start?”

“Yes, water please.” I smile at him. He’s good looking and seems sweet. 

The night has gone so well. Dinner was good. Conversation was smooth. His jokes were funny. He even let me talk about reptiles and my job. It actually felt too good. Like I would give him my world if he asked. Crazy.

“Would you like to get out of here?” he asks.

“Um, yes. This night was great, thank you.”

“Oh are you ready to call it? I thought maybe we could go for a drive. Talk some more.”

My mind screamed not tonight. Tell him no. My body screamed yes tonight. Tell him YES YES YES. Stupid body, “Yes.”

“I just gotta use the bathroom first. I’ll meet you at the door?”

“Ok.” I slowly put my coat and gloves on. It isn’t snowing out, but the rain has been cold the last few days.

Kyle

I practically ran into the bathroom. I need to shoot off a quick text. This night has been awesome. This girl is down to earth and sweet. Genuinely nice. I don’t quite understand how I got into this.

“Are you sure we need to do this? She’s too nice. Too sweet.”

The response is immediate, “Do you have my money to give back?”

Dammit, he knows I don’t. I had to use it on my moms treatment. She doesn’t have the money to pay herself. He knows this. That’s why he gave it early.

“You know I don’t.”

“Then we do this or I call the cops. Three thousand is grand larceny. Mommy wont have you around for a while with that charge.”

Shit, he's right. He has the power. It was definitely not a gift, and there is no way I can return it.

Ok, shake it off dude. I can do this. Five minutes of hell so my mom can get her treatments for three months. Doable. Totally doable. I just hope Sarah forgives me someday. Probably not.

Sarah

Kyle is so cute. He grabbed my hand as we left the restaurant. His truck isn’t the greatest but it seems to work. I like that he’s rugged. And also a hard worker. He was telling me he still lives at home because his mom is sick. She relies on him a lot. That was so sweet.

We end up on the lookout, a ways out of the city. Woods surrounding us, but the city lights shining below. It is so nice up here. It is quiet, maybe a little too quiet for my liking.

“So, thank you for taking me out tonight. This date has been perfect.” I sigh.

“Good, I’m glad.” He leans over and touches my shoulder. I inhale sharply. Man, it has been so long since I’ve felt a man's touch. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he declares. I nod. He is so kind.

We are kissing for what feels like hours (but probably just a few minutes). I want to do more, but I won’t. A first date is just a date. I never allow more than a few touches on one. It is a vow I made myself long ago. Save more for later. Kyle seems to understand that at first.

Then his hand begins to slide up my leg. I removed it. The other one moves under my shirt. Going higher and higher. I try to tell him to stop but one hand has come up by my mouth. It is squeezing my lower jaw and chin. I can’t seem to move it or stop him.

A tear rolls down my cheek. I am scared. I have never felt so trapped. In a truck, in a forest. I cannot reach my purse, I stupidly tossed it in his backseat so we had space to hold hands near the console. Alone at this moment.  

His hand has now reached my bra. He lifts it and squeezes hard. I whimper. Not in a sexy way. In a painful way. He is hurting me. His other hand has moved back down to my legs. Dammit, why did I choose a skirt tonight? How I wish I could go back and pick the jeans I had laid out. It inched higher. I want to stab him with my fingernails but somehow my hands are twisted up between us. I cannot seem to move them. He slides my underwear to the side and I try to bite his lip as hard as I can. I taste blood, it is not mine.

“Shit. Sarah just stop okay? I promise this will only be a few minutes. Just sit back and let me do this.” He seems scared as he asks me that. Like it is hurting him to hurt me. I shake the daze out of my head. Forget this, he is hurting me. Attacking me. He will not get my support or my obedience. I rear back and head butt him.

“Shit. Seriously Sarah, stop it. You are making this worse. Just sit back.” I begin to cry. I am so close to giving up. His hand is back under my panties, trying desperately to reach me as I squirm left and right.

The door flings open. I hear a crack. I see blood oozing beside me and I get wobbly. The world turns black.

I woke up a few minutes later in Anthony’s strong arms. Wait, that can't be right. I blink a few times and struggle to sit up. He is holding me tightly, humming like I usually do.

“Anthony, what happened? Where are we?”

“It’s ok Sarah. I got you. Nothing bad will ever happen to you.”

I squirm away from his grip. I notice the body lying on the ground beside us. “Anthony, what happened to Kyle?”

“He was hurting you. I didn’t have time to think. I grabbed that rock. It must have hit him wrong. I am so sorry Sarah. I already called the police. They are on the way.”

I nodded, not really understanding everything. Anthony hurt Kyle. To protect me.

“Anthony, how did you find me here?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day, I came to see you. To win you back. To beg for you. And I showed up at your apartment and saw you leave in the perfect little skirt. I am so sorry, I followed you. I had to talk to you. I had to let you know you are mine forever.”

I nod again. This whole night has been unreal. Too perfect, then too awful. I am not sure what to believe. A man is dead. Another did it. And I am somehow in the middle. The blue and red lights release me from my trance. Time to tell my story.

The next few weeks flew by. I spent hours in police stations reliving the hell I experienced that night. Anthony is lucky. His family is very wealthy. They hired a whole team of lawyers to represent him. He came out almost unscathed. I think he agreed to community service, some classes and he paid for the funeral for Kyle’s family. Kyle’s mother agreed because she did not want this to go to trial. She did not want her son labeled a monster, a rapist. I agreed with that. I felt a bit of grief for his death. Something still feels off about the whole thing. Like in the end, he was also being tortured that night.

I also had a soft spot for his mom, Louise. She was the kindest soul I had ever met and she was sick. Very sick. And sadly, now she was alone. She cried for days. Begging my forgiveness for her son. Afraid he will be banished to Hell if I did not find it in my heart to forgive. I do not think I have that power, but I do forgive him. His eyes spoke of anguish in his last moments, not pleasure. His mother swore his phone would hold answers to why he behaved as he had. His phone disappeared that night. No trace of it anywhere.

And Anthony stayed. And I let him. Used his body for comfort. His arms to hold me when I cried. I let him stay, even though I couldn’t get past a tiny voice inside that kept saying, “Run.” Callie has said it too. She thinks I need to push Anthony away. I never really talked about him, but she has told me there is something about him that weirds her out.

Then last night, almost three weeks since her son had died, Louise called me.

“I need you to come here. Right now.”

I grabbed an Uber and made my way.

I barely got a knock out when the door swung open and she grabbed my arm and pulled me in. She looked like a wild animal.

“Louise what is going on?” I ask.

She pulled me down the hall and practically shoved me into her son’s room. I recognize it from his profile picture.

“Sit down. And watch what I just found on Kyle’s computer. I knew there had to be some reason.”

I do as she says. She pushes play and a video pops up on the screen.

“In case something happens to me, mom, I am so sorry. I only wanted to help you. Working nights at the lab was never going to pay enough. I needed money for your treatments or you would die. You can’t die. You’re my mom. If you are watching this, I guess my idea was shit. Most of them are. I hope you survive this. I hope we all do…”

The video moves to a diner. I see Anthony sitting in the booth.

“How much money will you give me? I need it right now.” That is Kyle’s voice.

“Bro, chill. I got you. Three thousand. It’s right here.” Anthony pats his front pocket.

“Tell me again, what do I have to do?”

“Holler up my girl on this dating site.” He clicks open his phone, “Ask her for a date on Valentine’s Day. Wine and dine her. Talk about stupid shit, reptiles mostly. Then take her to the lookout and let's just say go too far.”

“What do you mean?”

“She won’t do more than kiss. Some weird rule she made. Just push her some. Hand up her skirt, I know she will wear one. Anything to show off her legs. Hands on her tits. Push the boundaries. I’ll come by and save her. We will tussle, nothing too bad. I’ll threaten you if you ever look at her, and then she and I will ride off into the sunset. Nobody gets hurt.”

“Are you sure this will work?”

“If it doesn’t, no worries, you get to keep the money. Help your mom and help me get my girl back.”

“Ok. Ok, nobody gets hurt.”

“For sure, nobody,” before the camera turns off, I notice Anthony smirk.

I look over to Louise. “My boy did this. For me. He hurt you and died for me. What are we going to do?”

“Oh, Louise, he did this for love. For his love for you. Always remember that. We aren’t doing anything. I will handle this. You never saw this video and you never talked to me, understood?”

Louise nodded. I gave her a goodbye forever type of hug. “I know it may not seem like it, but your Kyle was a good man, even when he wasn’t.”

And so that is how I ended up here in the freezing cold and muddy forest. I left Anthony a note begging him to meet me at the Lookout. Saying I was ready to move on from the trauma. When he got to the Lookout, I opened my car door and took off running. Knowing he would follow me. I had staked out a small darkened area, hard to find, unless someone were to leave tracks behind (which I did). And now I quietly wait.

“Bitch, where are you? Whatever game you are playing, it ends? Remember what happens when you disobey me? Right before you left for the city? Remember what I did then?”

Instinctively I reach up to the spot above my eye. The small scar still remains. He hurled that glass vase at me as I carried my luggage out the door. I swore that would be my last bruise from him. How did I forget about that promise for the last three weeks?

“You can’t run forever. I will find you. I’ve always been better at waiting than you.”

Aww, such truth. Only problem is I am not running this time. This time, I am fighting. I check the safety on my gun one last time and bolt up.

“Better than me, maybe? Smarter than me? Never,” I say as I pull the trigger.