PACKAGED FOR THE FUTURE

Whining, crying, suffering day by day, haunted by the past, Sheila was on her way to another therapy session. Week after week, months have gone by, it's approaching a year and there has been no relief. Apparently throwing pharmaceuticals at a problem is supposed to solve it, drown it or hide it...but what it doesn't do is resolve it.

Sheila meanders into the office of Dr. Hill, her therapist, for the fifty first time. Dreading every moment. Months have rolled by and her hope has dwindled. The internal havoc and choas are overflowing from her mind, into disturbances of the day. Sheila wonders if she will ever be released from this mental and emotional bondage.

Dr. Hill is a good woman of good intentions. She decided to become a therapist in hopes of helping the wounded become whole again. She truly believes all pains are heal able. People just need to express themselves, letting the evil monsters of the past loose through therapy. Her motto is, let them go, they do no good to you.

Sheila has tried to "release", if you will, all her internal demons. This is a struggle because they are not her demons. They are the demons of those who have corrupted, beaten and raped her. These were NOT her demons! Yet week after week, she sacrifices another hour of her life to accomplish nothing. Actually she did accomplish something, a lower low, a deeper depression than she had before she crossed the threshold of Dr. Hill's office.

Wondering why she should keep coming to these appointments, she lashed out. Dr. Hill was taken back, never had she experienced any of these behaviors or attitudes from Sheila. Trying to desecrate the heights emotions had rose to, Dr. Hill suggested doing the breathing techniques that had been successful before.

Today Sheila was having none of these suggestions, they were actually escalating the situation. She was shaking so badly, she felt like she was on vibrate. Next the panic attack set in so severe, she was struggling for each breath. Sheila no longer wanted to talk to Dr. Hill or even be in the same room with her today, tomorrow or ever. When she finally caught her breath, she decided to express her feelings with Dr. Hill.

Trying to keep her volume under control, Sheila poured her heart out. She tried to communicate, she felt like she could no longer go on. Always trying to keep her head up, she was breaking and her strength was fleeting.

A childhood of abuse, lead her to multiple failed marriages and a crumbled heart. All these things Dr. Hill had heard before. Sheila was placed in her care after the sexual assault that had occurred approximately a year ago. The pain from this incident had completely devastated her. Dr. Hill thought they had made alot of progress through therapy and antidepressants. Today she realized that these efforts had not been as successful as she had thought.

At this point, Sheila was sobbing, barely able to speak. Dr. Hill was trying to diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, currently, Sheila was unreachable. Horrid images and negativity corrupted her mind, while pain filled every pore on her body.

Now here we go again...how many times was Sheila supposed to relive the worst experiences of her life? To continously bring this torment to the surface was killing her. Dr. Hill couldn't see what this was doing to her or she would have taken a different approach.

Once again they were going to go through the most painful moments of her past. Angrily, Sheila tried again to go over the details that plagued her mind. This pain was engraved into her heart and soul. "Start at the beginning," Dr. Hill gently suggested.

"I can't! I can't! I can't keep reliving this! Whether my eyes are open or closed, I can still feel him! The weight of his vicious sweaty body holding me down". Her sobbing made her words almost inaudible. Dr. Hill instructed her on different breathing techniques, in hopes they could continue on.

Gasping for her next breath, Sheila spewed out the torment she had been suffering. "I still can't understand how anyone could be so deceptive. I was already in a really bad place. I had walked over to the cemetery to mourn my beautiful little girl who never got a chance to walk this Earth. I thought losing my baby was the most pain a mother's heart could endure." Sheila unraveled.

"Sitting on the bench closet to the headstone, I cried. Never could I ever expected what was next. This man came stumbling up crying, telling me his mother had passed away and he had not visited her grave site yet. He went on, saying he could tell I was strong sitting there in mourning. He wanted to know if I could escort him to her grave site. Watching his tears fall, I couldn't imagine looking the other way. I agreed...one of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life."

Feeling as though she was talking to herself, Sheila continued on. "It seemed odd that we were walking diagonally to the furthest corner of the cemetery. Suddenly I watched this man's eyes change from tearful to a burning chaotic rage I had never seen in my life. Before I knew it a fight ensued. Aggressively my hair was pulled so hard, my focus was on that, not the arm wrapped so tightly around my neck. Gasping for air, trying not to pass out, being flung to the ground, the weight of his body pinned me down. I screamed for help. He told me not to do that again, that I was making him angry and I wasn't going to like what was next if I didn't shut the fuck up. I continued to scream, blows were delivered one after another."

"I fought my way out from underneath him. I thought I was going to be able to escape. I was sadly mistaken, as fast as I had gotten to my feet, that evil monster grabbed my ankles pulling me towards him, my stomach hit the ground. Continuing to scream, he rolled me onto my back and put his face two inches away from mine and said if I didn't shut the fuck up ge was going to smash my face until it was no longer recognizable. Peering at the large metal spiky object he clutched so tightly, I chose to shut up. With his hand gripped around my neck, he shoved my face towards his genitals. Upon my refusal, multiple blows were delivered."

"Next he buried his head in between my legs. I didn't think I had much fight left in me. The only thing keeping me conscious was adrenaline. Sounds of a wild beast filled my ears, while the smell of nasty sweat contaminated my nose, I could focus on nothing else. Alarmed beyond all belief, he slammed his cock into my body. Quietly I sobbed, still trying to plan an escape."

"I was sure this was going to be the last memory of my life, when he laid on top of me saying all kinds of nonsense about how he loved me. Are you freaking kidding me! His words were making me go crazy. I knew I couldn't win physically, so I thought I'd take a mental approach. So I lied, saying if you let me go I will meet you at the flagpole in the center of the cemetery tomorrow, so we could do this again. Lies upon lies, fake flirtation, whatever was necessary for survival. To this day, I can't believe I escaped and I'm alive. I'm alive but I'm stuck in a never ending nightmare."

Dr. Hill took a moment to take in the information I had just vomited in her direction. Then she gave me the best advice I had ever received in my life. It was obvious to her, I was losing my grip on life and my desired to continue trying to hold on.

"I want you to imagine, you have one suitcase to pack your entire life into...what things will you fill your bag with? Will you chose to fill that bag with the tormented thoughts, memories or objects of the past, that will hold no value in the future. Or will you fill your suitcase with things that enrich your future, thoughts that make your heart sing and memories that warm the soul. Don't let the past consume you, instead think only of parts of your life that will serve you in the future. Those are the memories you should fill your suitcase with. If you were to pack your whole life into one suitcase, what would you bring?" ,Dr. Hill asked. "Remember you are preparing for the future, not wallowing in your past."

Sheila's breathing slowed and her mind raced, searching for the answer to most likely the best question ever asked of her. Shuffling through her mind, she thought she'd attempt an answer.

"First, I'd fold the few memories of fun and laughter shared with family and friends. Then I'd carefully place all of the memories I have of my children, on top of the love I have for my husband. Somehow, as always, I will find a little space for my pets. Oh, and no suitcase is packed without a pen and paper. So I guess that's my suitcase packed for the future. Leaving all that's bad behind and the wealth of the future ahead of me.", Sheila concluded.