Core Detachment

“Everything is changing, Mom. Why can’t life just go back to the way it was? Everything was perfect last year.”

"Change comes with embracing the future, it’s better not to fight your past. Life continues without certain people Roe," My mom preaches as she speeds down the block. 

It's the first day of school and I'm currently 7 minutes away from being late. Getting ready today was excruciatingly painful. 

"You and Sofia have been friends since preschool. I know it is hard to believe but people grow apart. Like your father and I." She starts to squint her eyes like she always does whenever mentioning my dad. 

"Are you implying me and Sofia are growing apart?" I say defensively, kinda irritated by her reference. 

"Well, honey—"

I shift my body towards my window, staring into the chaotic frenzy of traffic on the road. 

"All I'm saying is that many kids your age tend to try different things and meet new people. It’s just the natural order of things ya know?"

She smiles warmly at me in the rear-view mirror and reaches back to stroke my chin.

"You're a senior now mijo*. Make the most of this school year. And if you see you-know-who, don't be a stranger. She probably misses you just as much." 

Personally, I'm not so sure. Yeah, 'Fia and I have had fights and emotional breaks from each other, but none ever lasted this long. I haven't spoken to her since the last day of junior year. Usually, we would have hung out all summer. Going to the State Fair, hanging at Steam Room Cafe, and re-watching all our favorite movies. But instead, I spent the majority of my summer indoors, depressed and lonely. Spending the summer without her made me realize just how small my bubble really is. For years all I've done is pour my attention and energy into that friendship. Now the reality that it could be over bothers me.

I get a text from an unknown number as we pull into Winngrove High. The fog from the morning masks the top of the school. Winngrove has three stories, one for math, another for science and English, and the bottom one for arts and electives. I signal my mom to follow a bus headed towards the art department door on the west side of campus. When she stops, she grabs my hand and places $20 gently in my palm. 

"For lunch," she chirps with a grin. 

"Thanks mom, see you at 3." I know that she is worried about my mental health so I send her a wide smile from the back seat to show her I’m alright. She looks at me with an empathetic look. I guess she could see past my facade. I hop out of the car and dash towards the door, not because I care about my attendance but mostly to avoid the hall monitors and security that parade the school after 8 am. I'm luckily able to sneak past Mr. Ludwig, the other admins, and the groups of kids reuniting all around the halls as I search for my Art History class. As I walk in, I search for the nearest open desk that is preferably in the back. There are only three desks left in the upper left corner near a broken looking bookshelf. I collapse in the seat closest to the blue tinted window and start to rummage in my backpack for a notebook and pencil. The teacher is wearing a large turtle neck that really isn't appropriate for the 70-degree weather this morning and loud burgundy coloured leather boots paired with an even louder mustard yellow shawl.

Her lecture on the projector mostly focuses on the basics of structure and design in the Gothic Era, which is stuff I already know, so I rest my head slowly on my desk. I start to doze off a little when two dark shadows approach the door. The teacher, who according to the dusty white chalk on the board is named Ms. Alice, gets up and turns on the light. This causes everyone to simultaneously wince. As my eyes finally adjust, I immediately gasp, which is loud enough for almost everyone in the class to look back at me. Seeing Sofia again was like reminiscing on a childhood memory. Everything felt hazy and distant. She was the Sofia I knew, but at the same time, I didn't really know. Her short light brown hair was now jet black with gray streaks and instead of sporting her usual baggy denim and dark sweatshirts, she had on a tight crop top and low-waisted jeans, exposing her new sparkly belly button piercing. The most surprising thing though, was who was gripping onto her left arm, Emerson Gomez. The girl 'Fia and I have literally despised since 5th grade after she poured sand in my afro at recess. Clearly, whoever I saw, wasn't the person I once called my "ride or die." ​

"And who are you two? Class starts at 8 am sharp. You are both an hour late." Ms. Alice taps a clanky pen on her desk, waiting for a response. 

"Um… I'm Sofia Ronalds and she's Emerson Gomez. We have a pass." 

“Give it here,” Ms. Alice says firmly with a complementing gesture.

The girls approach her desk swiftly. Ms. Alice snatches the pass and ushers the girls to the open desks right next to me near the front of the class. As she walked to the desk closest to mine, both Sofia and I kept eye contact. I'm guessing she was also shocked to see me. After another 30 mins of awkward silence and frenzied glances, the bell rings, indicating the next period. As I pack my things up, Sofia places her hand on my desk. Emerson waits behind her, rolling her eyes and fiddling with her nails.

"Are you coming?" 

"I'll meet you in English," Sofia says blankly, still focused on me.

Emerson walks off as I continue to pack my things.

"Roen... I just wanted to say—"

"What? That I just decided to ghost you this summer and hang out with new people?" I can't help myself from letting out all the animosity I have been building up inside. The bubbling rage I’ve been secretly holding in this whole summer just randomly emerges from my body. 

"It's not like that."

"Then what is it like Sofia? Cuz I honestly don’t understand." I shove my blank notebook in my bag and head for the door.

"I just needed some space. And it's not like you ever texted me or tried communicating with me either." Her voice starts to shake and she starts to fumble with her hair. I notice my heart rate speeding up.

"I just wanted to let you know that my dads and I are moving next year and...I'm sorry for how this all turned out." I don't know how to react. I stand paused in the same spot for what feels like a year. She walks past me and looks back, giving me the same look my mom gave me this morning. The rest of that day was uneventful. All I can think about is how I went from having a healthy friendship to losing one of the most important people to me in less than 3 months. 

By the end of the school year, Sofia and her family moved to California. She left without even saying goodbye. I guess I should have seen that coming though. What did I really expect? To her, I was old news. Something that reminded her of who she used to be. I guess I understand but still, she could have at least said goodbye. I wonder if she thought about it. About maybe taking one last stop by my place before heading to the airport. I wanna believe she did. That even though she wanted to move on, not talking to me was just as painful and lonely for her. Maybe Emerson was the person she needed in her life at that moment. Maybe I'm the one who is stuck in middle school, thinking 'Fia and I would be best friends forever. God, I miss her. I hope she is doing well in California.  

Epilogue

"Hey, can we talk?" Four words that I've been trying to avoid since Sofia first told me she and her family were moving away. I hate how it upsets me that she is leaving but at the same time I'm not surprised. Sofia, as annoying as she can be, is still like family to me and I hate how things have been these past couple of months. I see her at lunch, in chemistry behind Mr. Trymucha's desk, and in theater after school. She is almost like a ghost or shadow that I can't seem to escape. Do I reply to her text or do I just ignore it? I begrudgingly open iMessage and text "sure." Yeah, I know it's probably the vaguest response ever, which will irritate 'Fia even more than me replying 4 days later. Oddly, the three dots icon appears and my heart rate quickens. "Meet me at Steam Room Cafe around 7 pm if you're open to talk." This is exactly what I didn't want. Meeting face to face at a place we've technically lived at for years is too nostalgic for me. I thought she would wanna meet in a more impersonal way like face time or something. I think back to what she said on the first day of school last year. It's obvious we aren't as close anymore but the least I can do is try to salvage what we have left. If Sofia can make an effort, I can too right? I grab my phone and quickly type "See you there."