Hold Me Closer

“I am soooo sorry Michael.” I held up my right hand wondering if I did what I thought I did.

“I didn’t mean to do it, I swear.”

I don’t know why I said this next, but the previous night's memory plagued me. “I know you didn’t do it, but it seemed like the most plausible explanation.”

He already had a surprised look on his face but when I added that line, I felt like crumbling. I still didn’t believe in him.

I don’t even trust my own boyfriend!

I’m not sure who’s hurt the most right now, me or him.

Tears were forming in my eyes and I felt super choked up

“Even I know I don’t have to say anything.” He said “This can’t work out anymore”

When I was nodding, and saw the look in his eyes, I realized that he meant our relationship.

He was tired of trying with me now.

“This is what you wanted all along then Sarah?” He didn’t let me answer, “It makes sense now.”

He said pacing the room

He held up a hand signaling for me to stay quiet.

“I thought that we would have been what you wanted since forever.”

I wondered what that was

“Be the power couple.” He answered my unspoken question

He laughed

“I stupidly believed that coming to you now would have solved half the problem in my life, not create havoc!”

By this point, silently, I was weeping.

“I wanted them to see us win, prevail, succeed.”

I saw tears in his eyes.

What have I done?

What will I do now?

“I wanted us to succeed but all you did was……”

He laughed

“You slapped me across the face and then you treated me like you were not the only girl on my mind for these past 3 years?”

My insides hurt. Everything felt like it was squeezing me from the inside out. I have never been in this kind of pain before.

“Michael?” I called horrified, seeing that he was walking through the bedroom door.

Striding towards him, I did something I barely did while with him all these years

I grabbed a hold of his hands and surprisingly, he stopped.

I spun him around... well he obliged.

I put my hands around him and rested my head upon his chest, feeling the strong beatings of his heart was like something I never imagined…indescribable

I knew I caught him off guard.

His shiver and his stiffened body said it all.

“Please say we can work this one out?” I asked

I confessed, “The truth is, I’m a messed up individual and I have had trust issues since my dad walked out on me and my Mom.”

When I said that, he finally hugged me back.

Speaking was hard. Red hot lava was in my throat but his arms around me…him sending warmth all over my body… it all felt safe…very safe.

“Mr. Griffiths walked out?” His voice brought me back to reality. “I'm sorry, but your mom told me he died, which is no better, sorry hun.

That’s when the ugly tears really fell

My dad recently died and it hurts that we never got to reconcile or salvage what was lost. Thinking about Michael now, I don’t even know what kind of relationship we even had with me never letting him in.

Maybe it is best if we called it quits?

NO!

I’ve never felt safe like this before. I won’t let go. I won’t let him go.

“You scumbag!” Rushell, my so-called friend or rumor spreader yelled, pulling me out of his arms, “It's time you leave her alone for good. You have done more than enough”

What was she talking about?

Leave me alone for good?

We were all invited to this party and now, it’s crashed.

 “Oh I see,” Michael said, sounding detached.

That’s probably my fault. I was quiet for too long.

But looking at Rochell, I have been listening to the wrong voices too.

“You have seen nothing yet Michael,” I said mysteriously

I saw Rochell smirk from the corner of my eye

Then I dropped the bomb. “And Michael, I said looking at him seriously, “You need to take me home.”

None of them saw that coming.

I went to him…without any issue.

My safeguard.

This was getting unhealthy really fast, but I didn’t care.

I took his hand and tried dragging him away, but he pulled me back

“You want to be left in the same room as me?”

This dude wants me to give him another damn slap in the face

I couldn’t even say a thing because of our position.  

His mouth was at my ears.

The worst but most comfortable part was that my back was to him.

This was a most compromising position.

“She’s gone now.” He said, “You can be serious now”

I never knew that I could spin around so fast without collapsing

I looked in his eyes to see if he was joking

His smirk signaled everything.

My hands flew to his chest and his strong arms pulled me in.

“I know very well that you were serious.” He said rocking me gently, “And responding to your previous statement…mmm…yes, we can work this out.

Although his actions were clear signs enough, Michael saying it out loud brought me great relief.

“I’d be dumb enough to let go of something that feels so fresh…so right…and so damn good.

He said holding me tighter.

“Now let’s go.” I laughed

“Wait,” I said

He looked sad all of a sudden.

“Why are you sad?” I asked

“Do you really want me to drop you home? Or you just wanted to-“ I cut him off

I don’t know why I did it.

It could be that he finally became my safety belt or it was the proximity or the fact that I thought he was gonna let me go.

So I jumped the gun and kissed him.

I did not think he would kiss me back. I felt gross and needed a shower and maybe some real hot chocolate with marshmallows.

When I tried pulling back, he became a monstrosity.

He kissed me harder on the lips, he kissed my head and when he went to my neck, I knew things were heading too far.

“Michael!”

I don’t know why he jerked away so.

“You’re crazy if you think you can kiss a man like that and walk away unscathed”

I just did what I did before.

I latched my hands onto him and started pulling him towards the exit.

“We crashed our friends’ party by the way,” I said

He only laughed.

There was a genuine lightness in his voice.

“I thank God for letting me see this side of you.” He said

While we were at the door of Samuels' home, the host called us back with a little hostility that scared me.

“Where are you two going and where have you been?”

“Samuel, I’m sorry all this happened and that your party got carried away in uncharted waters. This day was supposed to be about you.” I hurriedly said, surprising him?

“Michael feels the same and we’d like to go so that you can have a semblance of what you wanted.”

“Or” Michael jumped in, “if you want a redo of this day some other time, its on me”

“Both of us” I said

Now both guys were looking at me. One with surprise and the other with admiration and mirth.

“Both of you just go.” Samuel said with a smile.

He actually had tears forming in his eyes

“You guys need to tell me all about it.” Samuel spoke

Michael and I just smiled in response

“We will.”

Michael sounded choked up.

What the hell?

“Maybe this day was definitely not supposed to be about us but you and your girl” Samuel's words reached my confused mind. “Give me a hug before you go.”

That’s when I realized that Michael’s arm was still wrapped around me.

Samuel realized my reluctance to let Michael go.

I looked down then tried my best to relax my body and allowed for them to do their thing.

I love seeing these brotherly hugs

“Come on shorty.”

He put his arm around me and guided me outside and towards his car.

“Same place?” he asked

“Yes,” I said shyly, not knowing why I felt this way

I can’t believe all this went down in just 1 hour

Once we were settled I wanted to clear everything but...

“Can I savor this moment with you tonight babe?” He pleaded.

“I know we have a lot to say and clear up but let me say this. I prayed for us to feel like this and God answered my prayer.”

“I may not know what changed or whatever happened in that room but God was there.” He said in wonder

“I love you. I don’t want to lose you, babe.”

“This day gave me a strong assurance that I won’t and…I want to spend this night being happy with you.”

“Ok”, I conceded, “we won’t talk about it”

“But”

 He looked at me then, “I can help you understand what changed.”

“But not everything.”

I continued while he looked at me not even driving his car.

“All I know is that you make me feel safe and I haven’t been the best girl these past few years –“

“Yeah, stop talking.” He cut me off. “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.

Turn around

“Hmm.”

‘Smwuah’

That definitely shut me up.

He is right. We should savor the moment.

I sat back in my seat and held his hands while he drove me home.

He’s been a good man so far and I know he will always be one too.

So many roadblocks, and so many things to clear up… but right now, I have my man right beside me and I’ll rest my case…for now.

Haha

He only looked at me and smiled.