Seeing the Unseen

“I think someone is watching.” Those words always looked so cavalier to me. I never once thought that the very phrase I frowned upon would ever grace my lips but here we are. Well, who could blame me, after spending more than half, maybe even the entirety of my life till now having to deal with the redundancy of that particular phrase, it was almost assured that I would grow to despise those very words.

I always shrugged your utterance of them and attributed it to some form of coping mechanism but not anymore. I now know the weight those words really held to you as they have sunk deep and rooted themselves into me. A primal fear so overwhelming and abyss-like has gripped at me on a subconscious level that I can no longer function as a normal human being. Was this what you dealt with every day? Of course it was, and here I thought that you were a freak who only ever wanted to sate her starved attention. I am so sorry dear sister I never tried to put myself into your shoes but now that I am in them, I can barely walk let alone run.

This relentless feeling that haunts me ever since you left. A scrutinizing and watchful eye that surveils my every move digging to my very soul all to sate its curiosity. A fear for prying eyes that carefully examine and analyze the entirety of my being. A feeling of your body and soul lying bare to supernatural beings that you can’t run or hide from. A supernatural intrusion beyond the norm that your only means of escape is the utterance of those very words I hate with a passion. A chilling whisper from forces unknown, telling tales of my day to day as if constantly watching and recording my entire life. The worst of it is the reaction from your closest. When they all look at you with worry and anguish as they believe you must have a couple of screws lose. They take your words so lightly not giving any of it a second thought. Imagine being a near adult treated like a toddler. Of course, you know this well as I treated you in the same manner but now, I understand. I should have done better.

Imagine this my dear sister, your fading existence has no imprinting on any of their memories apart from my own. I used to loathe your very simplistic mindset and your very presence made me writhe from the inside as I hated having to be the elder of us two but now, I miss your company. You were a loving young older sister and I can’t at all believe that all our shared memories are just an illusion manufactured from the depths of my mind.

Our parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandfathers, grandmothers all of the family three generations down believe that I am ill and in need of help. Do I really? They all give me the same look I gave you. Was this what you faced? And here I thought you only enjoyed the attention from each of them being pampered and having every of your needs being taken care of. I thought it was all because you wanted it to be so but now, I understand it is because they all wanted it to be so. You were not the center of attention. You were the center of Isolation and alienation and I now have taken your place.

Today I was at that same office. I think you know it well as you must have had these same trips while you were still alive. You remember right, the sight of the softly lit room with a warm soothing color of beige. A small glass coffee table sits at the middle of the room and two different sofa seats on its periphery in opposite sides of the room. The seats themselves were very different in size so you could definitely tell which one was for whom even though it was not obviously designated.

The already sitting ‘professional’ ushered mother and I in pointing to the designated seat. As I sat on the seats, I could feel the comforting embrace of the plush soft cushions. The carpet underfoot was thick and cozy. The smell that the air of the office carried was subtle and calming perhaps from a diffuser emitting lavender essential oils? The overall atmosphere was clean and free of any strong odors promoting a sense of tranquility. Did you have similar feelings and sensations to these when you were here?

As I sat there, I could hear soft instrumental music playing in the background. The ‘professional’ then started to talk.

“Hello, Abigail.”

 Her voice was so silvery and dulcet and that completely cemented my idea of the place this was, a honeytrap. Did you think so to? I think you must have. Wait, did she call me Abigail? Isn’t that you my dear sister.

“Abigail? That name isn’t mine but my elder sister’s. Bailey is what my name is.” I corrected her softly “Just stop it! We have been over this. You have no sister. You are my one and only child… Dr Lydia do you see it now?” Mother snapped back. “Calm down Miss Roberts. This is a delicate process and going at her like that might hurt the healing.” that calming mellifluous but authoritative voice resounded and immediately took charge of the growing tension filled atmosphere. After a few seconds of awkward filled silence, she finally uttered in a calm demeanor.

“I am sorry I am just so tired of…”

The ‘professional’ calmed her by gesture, looked at her softly and then responded. “You will need to be patient as the process will take time.”

The conversation then slowly started to flow.

“I understand.”

“Ok let’s begin from the very beginning. What was her childhood like?”

“Well, it was a fairly happy one… that was until she lost her father.”

“Oh! She lost her father? I am terribly sorry for your loss.”

“It is okay. It happened ten years ago when she was seven.”

“… If it is not too much to ask. How did he meet his demise?”

“It is a long story but the short of it is he died protecting our daughter.”

“How exactly?”

“…Do you remember the red riding hood case?”

“Oh yes, the case about a serial killer who went around killing young women who were natural gingers?”

“Yes exactly, my daughter was almost a victim of that killer but her father managed to save her only for him to die in the process. It was never the same after that. While I moved on and found a new partner, I don’t know if my daughter ever did.”

Was mom really serious? I have never had such a thing happen to me. That was what happened to you, big sis. Why am living your life? There it was again. That chilling sensation of somebody watching. Was it you? Do you crave revenge?

“Ah I see, and when did her episodes…”

“I can hear you laughing. I can feel you watching. Do you beings enjoy my torment?”

“There it is Dr Lydia.”

“Yes, I can see.”

“So, what do you think we should do?”

“It is too early for me to say anything but I suspect your daughter is suffering from Depersonalization Disorder. She must have created this big sister naming her Abigail as a coping mechanism to live her life as the pain of losing her father was too much. The sister took the heavy parts of her life as she creates a new persona which she named Bailey to live through.”

“Oh! I see. Is this treatable?”

What was that person talking about? I have not done any of that. I remember my entire childhood with you. Was this all inside my head? That seems a bit impossible to me. I remember vividly how I used to play with you. We swung on swings, enjoyed games of tag, loved hide and seek and might I add you were an absolute master of seeking. These were moments that could not and cannot be forged. I still hear the echoes of our laughter through the ripples of time. My face always lights up at the sight of that joy filled duo. And that quack of a doctor dared to nullify our entire childhood by saying I made up the whole thing?

“If you believe I suffer from this so-called Depersonalization disorder then why is my sister gone now?”

“Well, that is something we would need to slowly understand won’t we.”

“Did you just say we? How could ‘we’ ever understand that? I myself don’t understand what is happening. I shunned my sister because I could not understand her so how could we understand. How dare you say she is me? How could you ever understand me? How could you understand her? She and I are completely different in every possible way.

I now have her heavy load and understand that we will never be understood. You all will never understand.”

I stood up ready to leave the room when suddenly I felt it again and this time it was like nothing I have ever felt before. The room grew cold. The warm light slowly dissipated. Then I felt its presence quickly manifesting. It had finally descended.

I slowly turned my eyes to her and there was that intrusive gaze staring straight into me. I stared back and everything around seemed to stand still. The depth of the darkness I witnessed from her eye’s seemed to go on for eternity. And then for the first time I heard not whispers or murmurs but a powerful cold voice.

“This whole world belongs to me bask in my creation and obey my will for you belong to me.”

That was it then it disappeared and the tranquil atmosphere returned. Did you ever meet that overwhelming presence? Was it the one who took you away? Dear sister, I am sorry for everything, I wish I understood you but I never did. I just hope you are well wherever you are, forgive me for everything and I love you.