Unexposed

Scott was tired but it felt good. He’d spent the last 4 hours cleaning out the oversized desk that had taken his dad 50 plus years to fill. Most of what he’d found was now sitting in 4 cardboard boxes to be destroyed. The rest was in the one box he was planning to take home.

               He had found an old Monte Blanc pen and a few replacement cartridges in the top drawer. He’d ask his Mom but he was pretty sure she’d tell him to keep it. Randy and Sue wouldn’t have any interest in it anyway.

               He took the last couple files from the bottom drawer and gave them a quick scan. They held a few years worth of old mortgage statements. They had to be old. The mortgage had been paid off for at least ten years.

He threw them in the top box to be destroyed. Then he pulled the drawer all the way out, lifted the front a little and maneuvered it so the wheels would come out of the little track. He pulled the drawer all the way out and set it next to the boxes.

He had to get down on his hands and knees to see all the way into the cavernous desk. He wasn’t at all surprised to find something there. Things were always falling behind the drawer of his desk at home.

What he found did surprise him. It was a small wooden box. Not some random papers that easily fall out of a top drawer never to be seen again. This looked like something that would be missed and looked for. He wondered if his father had put it there on purpose.

He reached in and pulled it out. It wasn’t big. It would have fit easily in the empty space behind the drawer.

He opened it. Inside was an old, yellowed envelope. It had a preprinted return address that said James McNulty, Private Investigator with a business address. The envelope was still sealed.

He took it out of the box, slipped a finger under the flap in the back and ripped it open. Inside was an undeveloped roll of film that looked old. Of course it looked old he thought, who uses rolls of film anymore? He wondered if CVS even developed this stuff anymore.

He slipped the film back into the envelope, returned it to the box then tossed the whole thing in with the rest of the stuff he was planning to take home.

He picked up the box of good stuff and walked wearily out of the office into and into the kitchen. His mom was just finishing fixing herself a cup of tea. Her eyes were still red but it was good that she was up and doing something. Sue had been by earlier to take the rest of dad’s clothes to goodwill. It had been tough on them.

“Thank you dear.” She said wearily as he walked in. “I wouldn’t have known what to do with any of that stuff.”

“It’s ok mom. You probably would have been ok throwing it all away.” He’d really only kept a few files worth of papers she might need next year when she did her taxes. “I’ll take this stuff back and put it in our safe.” He said as he set the box on the counter

“I don’t think there’s anything that warrants a safe.” She chuckled. The money was all in the brokerage account and the important papers like the insurance policies and deed to the house were in the safe deposit box. She knew because they’d had to visit it recently.

“The safe is fireproof mom.” He explained as he crossed to the cupboard with the whiskey in it.

“Thank you dear.” She said again.

“Did you find anything interesting in there.” She asked as he poured his drink.

“I found a nice pen.” He said. “I was hoping maybe if no one else wants it…” He didn’t bother finishing.

“I think you’re safe dear.” She said. “I can’t see your brother or sister being interested.”

“Thanks mom.” He said and then remembered the film as he took the first sip of the whiskey. “I also found an old roll of film in the back of the desk.”

“Really?” She asked “I wonder what’s on it.”

“Probably old vacation pics or something.” He said with a shrug. “Only one way to find out, I guess.”

“Do you want me to get it developed?” she asked. “Do they even still do that at the drugstore?”

“Nah, I’ll take care of it.” He offered, smiling a little at her choice of words. Who called it a drugstore anymore? “I have a photographer friend if they wont do it at CVS. He’ll know what to do with it.”

“In fact.” He thought. “I haven’t talked to him in a while. This will give me a great reason to call him up.”

“OK dear. I’ll let you take care of it.” She said and took another sip of her tea.

They visited for a while. She was more animated than she’d been for a long time. He even saw her smile a couple times. It felt good to talk to her about something that didn’t make them sad for a change.

The next day he called his friend and they talked for a long time. When they got around to the film his friend suggested he try a specialty camera shop downtown. They’d know how to handle old film, his friend said, so he jotted down the address and they went back to talking about his kids.

The next day he swung by the camera shop. He felt out of place immediately. The shelves were filled with all kinds of equipment he had no idea about but the guy behind the counter was very helpful. He actually seemed pretty excited about the old roll of film. He figured it dated back to the 1970’s but it shouldn’t be a problem for him to develop. He said he could have it done by the end of the day.

The next morning Scott swung by the camera store and picked up the pictures. The guy behind the counter was too busy to talk so he handed him the envelope and rang up the purchase. He managed to keep a phone precariously purchased between his ear and shoulder and never missed a beat in the phone conversation or in thanking Scott for his business.

He didn’t look at the pictures until he got to his office. First, he grabbed a coffee and fired up his computer. While it was coming to life he noticed the cardboard photo envelope. He grabbed it and slid the pictures out.

The first picture was of a man and woman meeting at a restaurant. They were young, maybe mid-twenties and the place looked nice. One look at the couple told him the guy at the camera shop was probably right that the pictures were from the 1970s. The guy’s sports jacket had wide lapels and he had long sideburns.

The next picture showed them eating and from the looks of it they were into each other. She seemed to be hanging on whatever he was saying. In the next picture she was laughing and she had her hand on his arm. From there it got more romantic, staring into each others eyes, hands touching, and they seemed to get closer in every pic.

In the last picture of them at the restaurant he noticed that the woman looked familiar. He couldn’t place her. The next picture was at a motel. She was waiting in the car and he was going into the lobby. He felt certain he knew the woman but the picture was too far away and from a bad angle.

               The next picture was zoomed in. They were outside a hotel room door now and he was slipping the key into the lock. The woman was facing away from the camera.

               The next picture was unmistakable. He felt the world shake as he looked at it. It was zoomed right in close and it was definitely his mother. A much younger version of her than he had ever known, but undoubtably her.

               In the last picture he was leading her into the room and from the way they looked at each other there could be no doubt about what they were about to do. His world shook again as he looked at it. The man she was with was definitely not his dad.

               He sat there for a long time. Not noticing that his computer had come up and was waiting dutifully for him to start checking his emails. It sat neglected as he flipped through the pictures a second time. Looking at them made things worse so he threw the pictures on his desk. He decided he never wanted to look at them again.

For a brief second he thought he was going to be sick. He leaned forward, elbows on his knees and put his head down, running his fingers through his hair and forcing himself to breathe. The nausea passed but the world still didn’t seem right. He knew what he’d just seen but he didn’t want to believe it. His brain went to work trying to convince himself that it couldn’t be what he was thinking. For a second it almost worked but he knew better.

He was like that a long time. His mind didn’t seem to want to hold onto anything. A million thoughts ran this way and that but nothing stuck. Eventually he came back to himself. He still felt a little nauseous but there was no risk that he might actually be sick.

He couldn’t believe his mother could have done this. And why didn’t his dad ever develop the film? And when did it happen? Before they’d started having kids? After? His Older brother was born in 1976 so it was hard to tell. Then he realized it didn’t really matter.

In the end all that really mattered was that his mother had cheated on his father and his dad knew. How was he ever going to look his mother in the face again?

Eventually, he realized he was at work and tried to get some work done. It was no use of course. He sat staring at his computer, trying to read emails. At the end of an hour he had no idea what any of them had said. A few people popped their heads in to see him. Thankfully they didn’t need anything important. He wasn’t capable of solving anyone else’s problems today.

 By lunch time he gave up and sent an email to his boss saying he was sick. He took the afternoon off and drove aimlessly around thinking about things. Trying to make sense of it. It didn’t help. When he finally gave up and went home he didn’t understand any more than he had at his office.

At dinner his wife asked him what was wrong but he was able to avoid having to explain by telling her it was something to do with work. She’d heard enough of those stories in their twelve years together.

It was dinner on Sunday before it came up again. They’d all been getting together once a week since his dad had died. It started as a comfort for everyone but had turned into a chance for the kids to make sure mom was alright. She finally seemed to be moving past it. It was him that seemed off tonight and everyone noticed. The lie about it being work related worked again. Sort of.

Half way through dinner his mom asked him about the film and he froze for a second. He hadn’t expected her to bring it up.

“The film was too old. The guy at the camera shop couldn’t get any prints off of it.” He surprised himself with the lie.

His mother gave him a look but then let it pass. The others were asking what she was talking about so she explained. They all agreed it was odd but since there were no pictures to look at they let it drop.

After dinner Sue went straight home. She had some kind of baking to do for one of her kids’ bake sale or something. Randy was outside throwing a ball around with the son he’d managed to drag along this week.

Scott was in the kitchen with his mom. It was the first time he’d been alone with her and he was finding it as hard as he’d expected.

“So what really happened with the film?” She had never been one to avoid the elephant in the room. “And don’t give me that bullshit about it being too old. You haven’t been yourself all night and I know you lied to me about that.”

He felt his eyes go wide in surprise. He had his usual glass of whiskey so he to a drink to buy time. Her eyes were locked on his and he could tell there was no getting around this. She had him in her sights and she was determined to get the truth out of him.

“You’re right. I did.” He confessed. He looked down at his glass and tried not to say anymore.

“So what was on that film?” She asked. And he felt bad for what he had to say next.

“You were.” He said and it came out as an accusation.

“Doing what? She asked. She obviously had no idea what she was being accused of.

He didn’t want to answer. He kept looking at the glass. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her.

He opened his mouth. Then shut it. Then opened it again still unsure of what he was going to say.

“Remember it was a long time ago. The film was really old.” He saw it was starting to dawn on her. Fear crept into her eyes.

“Oh my God.” She said and put her head down. Her hand covered her eyes.

“Yeah.” Was all he could say.

They were like that for a long time.

He took a drink of his whiskey. A long pull

She finally looked up at him. There were tears in her eyes but she was controlling them.

“I always knew this day was going to come.” She confessed. “Even after it seemed like forever had passed.” She took a shuddering breath. “I knew there was a reckoning out there somewhere.”

He didn’t know what to say.

She was lost in her own thoughts. He was glad to see the remorse on her face. He felt like there was so much to say but he couldn’t think of one thing at the moment.

She looked down at her hands which were folded in her lap and then back up at him.

“I didn’t know he knew.” I tear leaked down the side of her face. “It must have hurt him so much.” And more tears followed the first.

She cried silently and he felt bad for her but he was also angry. His father hadn’t deserved this. He was torn between comforting his mother and standing up for his father.

He sat paralyzed by the conflicting emotions.

They sat like that for what seemed like a long time and then she pulled herself together as much as she could. The tears stopped streaming.

“You must hate me.” She said. She was searching his eyes for something. She would never ask for forgiveness but he could tell how desperately she wanted it.

“I don’t.” He said. “I couldn’t”

“I couldn’t blame you if you did.” She said. She looked devastated. “You’ll never be able to look at me the same.”

“Someday. Maybe.” He offered.

Her head tilted. She looked at him and then shook her head no.

“I was never able to see myself the same after. You wont be able to now.” And she was crying again now.

“Did dad look at you differently?” It physically hurt to mention him. His mother saw it and the tears came harder.

Then she realized what he asked. She stopped crying to think about it. A puzzled look came across her face.

“No I don’t think he did.” She said, more puzzled than ever.

He’d thought about this a lot over the last few days.

“He decided to love you.” He said. “That’s the only reason I can think of for not developing that film.”

“What?” she was confused

“He must have known. He went to the trouble of hiring a private investigator to take those pictures. But he never developed them.”

He was trying to explain but even he wasn’t sure he understood.

“I think he decided that he loved you anyway so he couldn’t bear to look at them.”

She looked at him. Her head tilted to one side as she thought about it. Then a fresh round of tears started.

“That sounds like him.” She agreed.

They sat in silence for a moment. Then her tears came in earnest.

“It makes it so much worse.” She sobbed. And he finally went to her and comforted her. The anger was gone. He realized that he could never be as angry at her as she was with herself.

In truth he didn’t know what he felt. But she was right. He never looked at her the same. He couldn’t. But he still loved her. And in some way he felt closer to her.

And he loved and missed his father more than ever.