Playing With Fire

The hazy air and dim lights hid the sadness in her eyes, as she danced by herself in the grungy bar. The lead singer was watching her, offering a wink when she glanced to the stage. She wasn’t there alone, though. The man she loved was sitting at the bar, watching her slip away, knowing he couldn’t do anything about it. Their affair had been going on for over two years now and there was no true endgame. They couldn’t be together, but they weren’t good at being apart either. The dried tear stains on her cheeks were nothing new. The last few months has been a cycle of trying to figure out a future together then realizing it’ll never happen. It’s a heartbreaking feeling knowing you have found the love of your life, but you can’t have him. 

A few years ago they took a couples trip with their spouses and some other friends to a sleepy little beach town. They had rented a house and spent a week just hanging out, fishing, playing on the beach, drinking a little beer and making new memories. One night she took off to the beach alone to watch the remnants of the sun fall over the dark blue ocean. He watched her disappear and was intrigued enough to follow, leaving the rest of the group at the house. Without saying a word he sat down right beside her and watched her, as she watched the sky turn from blue to orange. The color of the sun danced off her freckles and sandy skin. They locked eyes and that was the moment they each first felt the energy between them. He smiled and she blushed. He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and told her she looked beautiful. The rest of the trip was full of flirtation, temptation and nightly moments to watch the sun go down and the moon come up, quietly in each others arms. 

They tried to continue with life as normal following the beach trip but it became harder and harder for each of them. Neither were overly happy in their marriages at home and found themselves confiding in each other. It was fairly harmless at first but it quickly became dangerous. They had known each other for almost their entire lives, with their moms being best friends. They knew each other in ways no one else did simply because of growing up together. Talking was so easy. They could tell each other anything, in confidence, and know they could trust each other. It was ironic that the trust between them was stronger than the trust they had between their own husband and wife. The physical attraction had been there since long before the sunset nights at the beach, but now their hearts were becoming involved. He had always felt this desire to love and protect her but never acted on it because she seemed to be this mythical, out of bounds creature to him. He was always enamored by her but he never imagined that he’d be lucky enough to have her.

Eventually their phone conversations turned into late night exchanges and secret meetings. Up until now they kept the physical attraction as that, nothing more than an attraction. They kept their hands to themselves obviously knowing the danger of what physical touch could lead to. Hugs on the beach were enough to prove their desire for more, and they tried not to cave for months. One night, the stars aligned and they were together. Alone. They talked for hours, just listening and offering advice. They kept their distance before he couldn’t take it anymore. He had to know what it felt like so he finally leaned in for a kiss. The electricity between them was like a courtship of lightening. Dancing between their hearts and their hands. She cried and told him they should stop, saying that they’re going to fall in love with each other. He smiled and said it’s too late. He already loved her. They spent the entire night exploring each others bodies, memorizing breaths and movements, falling in love over and over and over. The next morning felt like a sad goodbye as she crawled out of the bed and snuck out. It was such a strange feeling of happiness after the most beautiful night but sadness because it wasn’t reality. They both finally knew what true love felt like…but they couldn’t have it.

They continued life at their homes, pretending to be happy, going through the motions of their careers and home life. She began pulling away from her husband, but he wasn’t doing the same with his wife. Neither had plans to leave, but she felt this constant need to know he was still there. Anger would rise during some moments, especially when she wanted more, and he couldn’t give it to her. It was no ones fault but the fight between feelings and reality was becoming draining. Breaking up their homes was never what either of them wanted or planned to do. Why continue to play this game if it’s not going anywhere? 

He was able to get away for a weekend and begged her to join him. She was hesitant because although she wants nothing more than a weekend in his arms, she knew she’d end up leaving with a broken heart. They spent two nights pretending like this was it, nothing was ending. They didn’t think about their lives at home and only focused on each other. They laughed and cooked and cuddled. They made love and held each other until they fell asleep each night. They smiled through kisses and never stopped touching each other. Upon learning of a band playing at a nearby bar, they decided to go. Risking being seen together in public wasn’t new. They knew it was playing with fire to go out but without saying it, this was their last weekend together. They made their way to the bar where he drank, and she danced. His love for her was almost too much. It was so much that he had spent all these months holding it back, pushing her away. If he lets himself truly get too close to her, the rest of his life will change forever. He wanted to be with her so badly, but he couldn’t do it. She wasn’t his. She belonged to someone else. He was planning to tell her tonight that they need to stop, need to move on, need to understand that their love will always be there, but they can’t be together. 

She walked towards him as the music slowed. A tear fell down her face as she mouthed “I love you”. She felt her heart breaking with each step she took and knew if she didn’t leave now, she might not ever be able to again. She looked him in the eye and kissed him on the cheek. She thanked him for showing her what true love felt like and walked out the door.