Just Checking Up! Part Twelve: The Illumination of a Cookout

Rip:

A radio played in the background, hot dogs and hamburgers grilling away at Sally Sue’s place. Several people approached Silks, her genuine smile never leaving her lips. Guilt devoured me whole, yelling at her for trying to help me ripping my heart to shreds. A pat on my shoulders had me leaping ten feet into the air, my old man waving as he took my side.

“You haven’t changed one bit, still jumpy as a grasshopper.” He teased openly, his hand cupping a cold beer. “Silks invited me. You know, something about your mother getting gunned down. Sucks to be the only other guy not invited to her funeral. Sucks to be a part of the cool kid club, huh?” Accepting an iced coffee from him, the cinnamon swirl was her signature.

“Did you find out what she did, Dad?” I whispered bitterly, a distraught yep slipping off his tongue. “What a monster! How could she lead such a double life?” Offering for me to sit next to him by a metal moose, there was no way I could refuse his offer. Crashing down into the comfy lawn chairs at the same time,

“How are you holding up?” He asked honestly, his fingers tapping the blue can. “Is there anything I can do for you, kiddo?” Sipping at my coffee, nothing came to mind. Time would heal my wounds, her golden heart getting me there sooner than later. Coming over in a stunning scarlet sweater dress, Silks sat on my lap. Happy to see my father, the two broke into a serious conversation about what happened that horrible day. Apologizing for his loss, the one good thing that the divorce hadn’t even begun. Knowing that, all her assets were passed into his bank account.

“At least you get everything rightfully belonging to you.” She pointed out simply, her sympathetic smile winning him over. “Did you want a burger or a hot dog? She makes a mean potato salad. I can prepare you a p-” Putting his hand in the air, surprise warmed up her features. Popping to his feet, his hands landing on his hips. Fussing with his black and white plaid shirt, his throat cleared as he set down his beer.

“Not going to fly in my camp. Let me fix you a plate. You have been running around this whole time. Enjoy yourself, and have a nice little moment.” He assured her in a fatherly tone, his palm meeting her bump. “I can’t wait to meet this little one. Thank you for inviting me. You really are a sweetheart.” Waving away his concern, he was gone before she could protest. Collapsing into my arms, her cheek met mine. Caressing my other one, our hearts skipped the same beat. Sliding my hand down to her bump, pride shimmered in her eyes.

“Sorry for getting in the way the other day. I should have let you work it out.” She apologized with wet eyes, dismay dimming my eyes. “I don’t know how to give people space when I want to save them. Sorry for being stupid.” Swinging her around to face me, there was nothing to apologize for. Kissing her tears away, the corner of her lips twitched.

“Don’t say such things, my dear queen. Trust me when I am glad that you came to comfort me.” I returned with my real smile, her cheeks flushing a deeper scarlet than her dress. “The sun doth not compare to you today.” Fighting a wave of tears, an anvil of guilt knocked me in the head. Must I be so rough and horrid for yelling at her like that! Every now and then, my frustration brewed to that point. The closest person generally received the brunt of it, a natural hatred of myself giving rise. Not everyone could be perfect, every part of me wanting to change that each time. A peck on my forehead ripped me out of my downward spiral, a sympathetic smile met my busted grimace.

“If you are about to explode, tell me all about it. No one would have acted any different that day. Face it, you experienced the amount of trauma I did in a matter of moments.” She explained calmly, her smile squashing the guilt down to a manageable level. “Look, I need to work on that as well. Too many times I shove that shit down and let it explode like a volcano in a panic attack. Not the healthiest way either, is it? How do I put it? So many people used to come into that coffee shop having the worst day, right? One big smile and a perfect coffee later, it was that much better. My advice, enjoy the small victories. Even if they are stupidly tiny. You have one life and then it is curtains.” Soaking in her words, truth laced every single one of them. Hoping she would heed her own advice one day, that level of wisdom came from a crappy gift basket of life. Flipping around to accept her plate, a normal conversation resumed between my father and her. Zoning out for the rest of the cook-out, stars coming out signaled the end of our last day of freedom. Driving back in the hearse with my old man tailing us, a lukewarm silence hung in the air.

“Can I ask you something?” I half-whispered, her wet eyes meeting mine. “Is Sally Sue why you come back here every year?” Smiling serenely to herself, another rare moment had been logged into my memory. Pausing to place the proper words into the correct order, Sally meant everything to her.

“Yeah.” She admitted honestly, her lips parting several times. “She saved me from a couple of town bullies. Up until that point, everyone chased me out. At first the town people rejected me working at her diner. Eventually they all warmed up to me. No one had taken on me before that. What can I say? She is like a grandmother to me. Next time, we have to stay with her. Grandmother's time will be important to her.” Tearing up at the end, my heart skipped a beat. Wiping away her tears, her palm rested on the curve of her bump. Rubbing it to ground herself, angry scratches captured my attention. Shit, that was because of me.

“Don’t blame yourself for those. Scratching away the anxiety told me I was alive back then. I need to stop doing that.” She continued with a raspy tone, her fingers tracing the layers of scars. “I feel so blessed to have you as my husband. Hell would freeze over before anyone takes you away from me.” Touched by her words, mixed emotions flashed on both of our faces.

“Silks, together we can do anything.” I comforted her lovingly, a shadow of a smile meeting my tired smirk. “Look, there's no way in hell someone is going to take you away from me. From that first waft of cinnamon, our bond was sealed in my eyes. Be it friendship or whatever it was at the time. You are going to be the greatest mother known to mankind.” Chuckling under her breath, our rental came into view. Crunching into our parking spot, my old man took the other. Letting ourselves in, an uneventful evening passed. Driving back felt hollow, work beginning the next day.

My father wagged his finger, the back door slamming shut as Mavis climbed in with him. Silks looked rather irked, her smile doing little to hide it. Typing in an address for us, something told me to go along for the ride. Silks softened her expression, Mavis and her exchanging real smiles. Chatting about the week with increasing natural ease, every cell of me happy they had each other. Pulling up to the black version of her dream house, the A-frame had been a new build a couple houses further away from my father. Exchanging odd looks in pensive silence, my furniture sat in the living room. Well, what was left of it.

“We chipped in together to build it for you.” They announced together, Silks looking seconds from vomiting. Getting out of the hearse in pure silence, her hands began to tremble. Such acts of generosity threw her off kilter, building me a home always being in my old man’s deck of cards. Asking for a moment, they understood. Mavis definitely worked with her quirks naturally, Silks really opening up to her as of late. Tripping out of the hearse, nothing about her breaths were normal. Scratching at her neck, fresh ruby glinted on the tips of her fingers.

“How do we pay them back?” She wheezed, her scratching growing more erratic. “I can’t! I can’t! God! They care too damn much!” Snatching her hands, wet eyes and clammy sweat soaked skin blurred in my vision. Feeling honored by my father’s gift, his architect skills were written about in many magazines. Mavis would definitely throw her decorating magic into the ring to make it flawless for Silks, her motherly devotion for her growing by the day. Then again, Silks came from a place where people would run her out of town and monsters beyond what children could dream of.

“Stop and think about this.” I pleaded while burying her into a bear hug. “My father was always going to build me a home for my wedding gift. Mavis merely decorated it for us. Nothing too much for them. If anything, my father called in a few favors.” Mumbling out a shaky okay, his friends had a way of stepping up to answer his calls. Squirming out of my embrace, a steady breathing pattern returned. Spinning on her heels, a bright smile hid her internal war a little too well. Limping up to the door to let them out, a gracious and honest thank you exploded from her lips. Wondering how she could change moods at the snap of her fingers, a bit of light twinkled in her eyes as they approached me. Hopping onto my back, the grip of her arms around my neck conveyed another emotion. Something along the lines of anxiety and eternal sorrow, a sincere apology hitting my ears as she loosened her grip. Unlocking it for us, light woods lined the walls. A black Gothic kitchen increased her heart rate, intense worry surfacing for a second. Silver bat handles glinted on the metal cabinets, dark wooden floors catching my eyes. Hitting the door with an odd thud, Silks used the wall to wander into her well lit art studio. Digging through the drawers, the level of organization would soon be destroyed with a messy gorgeous mind. Fuming at her earlier works, an apologetic Mavis rushed in. Blocking the way out, a steady stream of curse words exploded from Silks’ lips.

“What did you have planned here? Those are tainted with the poison of horrible therapy!" She screamed hotly, Mavis cocking her brow in an unimpressed manner. “Do you think I should show them and get false sympathy from stuffed shirts that are secretly sickos?” Dropping her arms to her sides, Mavis approached her cautiously. Silks kicked the crate over, dark paintings spilling out across the floor. Silent tears stained her cheeks, raw agony tearing her apart from the inside.

“Do you see the sorrow? Do you see the rage? What aren’t you seeing here!” She continued venomously, a loud throat clearing ending her rant. Sally Sue brushing past everyone, her slender hand reaching for Silks devolved her into a sobbing child. Collapsing into her arms, paperwork fluttered out of the top of her purse. Cupping her cheeks, a tremble claimed them both.

“The craziest thing happened. I sold everything to retire near you. Something you said woke my heart up. One week a year isn’t enough for me.” She confessed between sniffles, her thumbs wiping away her tears. “That nice man you invited offered to host me until I am back on my feet. What do you say?” Hitting her weakly, Silks’ hands dangled limply by her side until words managed to leave her stunned tongue.

“I am so happy that Mavis and you are around to help me through motherhood. Lord knows that I don’t know what the hell I am doing.” She sobbed uncontrollably, Mavis drawing a long sigh of relief. “Sorry for yelling at you. We can sell the past to make the future brighter. That makes sense, right?” Massaging my forehead, her mood changes weren’t a good sign. Overwhelmed by her announcement and the presence of that art, her fingers clawed at her legs. Damn, she was struggling to hold it together.

“How about we pick this up tomorrow at some sort of barbecue?” I asked politely, both of them picking up what I was putting down. “Bring your favorite side dish, okay?” Waving goodbye on the way out, the moment it was just us. Sinking to her knees, her sobs grew incredibly loud as she picked up her mess.

“All of you are stupid as shit! Why insist on helping me every step of the way! I am nothing but a monster! Don’t you see it!” She panicked audibly, her trembling hands showing me a painting of a broken monster alone in a shadowy room. “Is this what you want? This can’t be what you desire, damn it!” Seconds from throwing it to the side, my hand stopped her.

“Please listen to me. Found family matters more than real family in moments such as these. People know that you will have to take a moment. Mavis understands you more than me sometimes.” I pointed out calmly, her body swaying. Putting the painting away for her, an exhausted Silks passed out in my arms. Carrying her upstairs, a hurt Mavis lingered by the door. Shouting that I would be right back, a quick tuck in had Silks sleeping off her latest nervous breakdown. Sprinting downstairs, Mavis ran up to me with open arms. Burying myself into her embrace, a flurry of thank yous cascaded off of my tongue. Unable to hold it any longer, the real Silks had shown herself. Stepping back awkwardly, my own panic attack was seconds from landing.

“As you know, she has issues accepting help and such things like this.” I explained choppily, headlights approaching our doors. “Hurt feelings weren’t meant to occur. How do I put it? When she was in my apartment, those damn panic attacks would pop up every damn second. No matter how hard I try, they won’t die down. Life fucked her over. All of a sudden, everyone is being nice and helpful. Give her time. Let her pay you back in any other way than money, be that a plate of cookies or anything along those lines. Trust me when I say that she thinks of you as a mother, okay? Sally Sue, she is her grandmother in a sense. You should have seen her face light up when she was describing those damn memories with her. Please don’t be hurt by that. I love you with all of my heart.” Rubbing my shoulders, a honk threatened to end our sweet moment.

“Sweetie, you have nothing to worry about. Anyone with eyeballs can see that. Sally Sue lived with her for a long time if she could disarm her in moments.” She laughed dejectedly, her head bowing in shame. “I am disappointed in myself. Pushing her too far is what I seem to keep doing. Perhaps tea with Miss Sally Sue is in order. Then maybe the puzzle of Silks can be solved. I love you with my heart as well, my dear. See you tomorrow after work.” Kissing the top of my head before departing, an eerie silence came over the home. Shuffling had me spinning on my heels, Silks limping over to me. Clinging to me in a half-asleep state, mixed emotions soaked my back.

“Can we cuddle everything away?” She begged through a wall of tears, my heart shattering for her. Scooping her up, a bit of rest should lighten the sting of recent events. Kicking off my shoes as I climbed into bed, the familiar hug of my mattress was a welcome change. Curling into a ball, a tug had me shaped around her. Holding her by the curve of her womb, snores soon echoed in the air. Staring at the pale wall of wood, the week played out in my head like a movie. Ending with her getting gunned down like a western, a couple of flutters fought back tears. Wondering if any of the few good memories were valid, the images of the dead children wrecked those in minutes. Guilt sullied what could have been cherished, sleep evading me. No wonder insomnia was a common side effect of this bullshit. Not today, mistress slumber wouldn’t run. Imagining Silks’ smiles over the years, a yawn found her escape. Chasing that lead, more followed. Dropping my guard, the image of us gathering around a fire pit somewhere on this street settled my fraying nerves. Good family members had a way of showing up when you needed them to, bad family members slicing you out before you could protest. Seconds from drifting into dreamland, one final memory of our wedding day swept me away. Please grant us the good fortune we needed to survive this crazy ride.