Lost soul

It was the cold breeze blowing over my cheek that woke me. For a moment I was confused, did I fall asleep outside again? I’m sure I didn’t get that drunk last night.

As I forced myself to open my eyes the tent slowly spun around me. Yep I clearly drank way more than I had anticipated. That wasn’t good. I would have to go back into town and buy more booze if I didn’t pace myself better. If that would happen I might run into my parents and they would force me to come home again.

When the spinning subsided I noticed a big tear in the orange canopy. I could have sworn that it hadn’t been there yesterday. It had been whole when I laid down to dream of him.

With a slight growl I sat up and pushed the open sleeping bag off me. The tent looked the same as it did last night. My backpack next to the opening, clothes spread out next to my flimsy mattress, and empty bottles of booze all around. The now empty vodka bottle lay next to my pillow, and somewhere in my brain a tiny voice tried to make me feel guilty. You should have stayed home. Should have talked to people instead of running a way in denial like a coward. Should have let your parents help instead of isolating yourself.

“No, I did the right thing for me!” speaking the words out loud made me feel better. More in control.

I made a move to get the water bottle out of my bag and winced when my head started to pound. Sadly the warmth of the alcohol had given in to the withdrawal. My body craved the poison that I had been feeding it for the last three days. Instead of the water my hand searched for more alcohol. Praying that I hadn’t run out. Not today. Tomorrow I would face the world again. Maybe.

My hand got all the way down to the bottom without touching anything I wanted. Annoyed I took the damn thing and emptied it out. Matches, couple of power bars, water, two old patches for the tent and a bundle of clothes lay before me. I ripped the bundle apart and smiled. Gin. I had a beautiful bottle of pink gin left. Although that meant that I would actually have to go back to town tomorrow to shop.

After a big swig I turned my attention back to the hole in my canopy. There was no way that I had done this myself. This was a big rip, about 12 cm long that looked more like someone had cut it open from the outside. Not something that I would have done, no matter how drunk I got.

It was disturbing thought. I was supposed to be all alone up here in the hills. Far away from everyone. That was what I had wanted. I even walked far away from the campground. All to be alone to grieve in peace. But now the tiny voice was smugly telling me that maybe I wasn’t as alone as I had assumed. There is someone watching you. Just waiting for you to get blackout drunk again. You should go home!

It was getting harder to tune it out. And what if it was right. Someone had to have made that cut in the canopy. For a moment all I could do was sitting there staring at the sky through the hole. It was cold and dark but I knew the morning would soon light it up.

The gin bottle was getting dangerously low when I finally started moving again. It was now or never. If I didn’t fix that hole now it would still be there when I sobered up again. Reminding me how useless I am. Just like Jake always told me, before he couldn’t take it anymore and left me. He was in a better place now. New city with a pretty girl on his arm. Someone that didn’t need to be taught how to dress and act. Someone who knew all his needs and desires before he even could voice them. The perfect opposite of me.

I could feel my mood turning from sadness to something much darker. With a firm headshake I pulled myself back. Happy drunk trumps sad drunk and happy one I was going to be, even if it killed me. And dying had never been on the agenda. I still had my pride. Dying would only confirm everything he had ever said about me. This was my last stand. No matter what I would stay alive and after my boozy stint in the wild I would go back home to my parents and build myself a new reality without him in it. I could still hear my parents screaming at me, trying to get me to stay home and felt a ping of regret. Maybe they hadn’t been all that far off the mark. Maybe he had been keeping me away from them. Though I would never actually say that to them. Better to keep that tiny bit of information for myself, for my tiny little glimmer of dignity.

The patches were on the floor next to me and with a big, determent breath, I gathered them up and opened the tent zipper. I was a grown up and could take care of myself. No matter what anyone thought.

The canopy was moving in lazy circles as I stared up at it trying to keep it still so the patch would go on just right. I knew that there might be a better way but really one on the inside and one out there should make everything perfect. There was no way it wouldn’t work. Just like putting a paper inside of plastic and sealing it up. Instant water resistance.

Although it was a bit more of a chore than I thought it would be I got it to stick. And felt damn good about myself. Next time I would be sober while fixing things and doing it perfectly.

There were only about three good sips left in the bottle when I finally got myself outside and for a moment I was tempted to close my eyes. It would feel so good to sink into the warmth of the booze and the nothingness that was occupying my mind. But that tiny voice kept pestering me. Just finish that one thing. You can do it. You will feel so good when you wake up.

So with a sigh I kept my eyes opened and took in the breathtaking scenery. It was almost morning and the sun was starting to rise over the hills far away. Everything was bathed in a soft light orange glow. I suddenly felt so alive. The cold, fresh air, cut through the alcohol fog and suddenly I wished that I had taken this trip with my friends. It would have been so much better than being here all alone with my thoughts.

Jake would have hated this. The only good morning for him started with a cigarette in bed at noon. Me on the other hand had always loved waking up with the sun. Going fishing with my dad. Playing outdoors, sitting around a warm fire at night, without the alcohol.

I looked down at the bottle with contempt. Before Jake I would never have touched that stuff. I flung the bottle away. When I would wake up next I would never touch the stuff again.

I will never know how long I sat there watching the sun waking up the world. All I know is that suddenly I jumped at a rough voice speaking behind me, somewhere behind my tent.

“Well, well, well. What do we have here. The little princess is actually awake. And here me and my friends thought you would slumber all through the exchange.”

 My skin was crawling as I slowly looked back and saw a dirty, middle-aged man with an unkempt beard down his chest. Behind him where two younger guys that looked just as bad, like they hadn’t seen a shower in weeks.

My fear reduced a bit when I saw Jake walking over to us. He would help me get rid of them. It felt like destiny that he was here, just like the prince on a white horse to save his true love.

He walked right by them towards me. Hugging me sideways and looking me over.

“Honey, you know I have told you time and again to watch how much you drink. You are no use to them if you pass out before they start having their fun. They could just as well have bought a blowup doll for that.”

It took a moment for me to register his words. Use to them? Who were they? How was I supposed to be of any help to them?

The grim reality sent my world spinning once again. He wasn’t here for me. He would never have come here just for me.

The ice-cold words he spoke next sealed my fate. “It’s really all your parent’s fault. If they would have just let me have you to begin with I would have gotten rid of you ages ago. Instead, I had to groom you for two whole years before you finally rebelled. You were such a pathetic daddy’s girl.”

He looked down at me with something aching to pity in his eyes. “Don’t worry little princess. If you are lucky some old dude will buy you and treat you well. If not, you should have applied yourself better. The best sluts do as they are told. Not that you were ever any good at that to begin with.”

With those horrible words he all but threw me into the bearded man’s hands.

“Hold on to her while I set this tent on fire. Best to get rid of all the evidence. Her dad is sure to come looking for her.”

I could only watch as Jake rummaged through the tent, taking my wallet and phone and leaving the rest inside. When he was done searching, he came back out and asked if anyone had matches. He then poured the rest of the gin over the opening of the tent and set everything on fire.

Jake winked at me. “Sorry honey but you know how it is. Business always comes first.”

I desperately tried to fight but they were too strong. With a punch to my face they had me almost knocked out and through that black haze I felt them carrying me away.

We hadn’t gone very far when I heard voices, ghost like whispers coming for us. I can see her. Never mind the fire. She’s right there.

Later my dad filled me in. He had gotten so worried that he made his friends in the fire department, as well as a couple of policemen, come with him to look for me. I was only seventeen. Just a kid really, that had been missing for two whole days.

Thankfully they found me just in the nick of time. God knows where I would have ended up.

Jake is in jail now, along with those three men. Hopefully I will never have to see them again.