pushover

TW- mention of sexual assault and self-harm around the end of the story!!

(based on a real day at my school and what I go through every day.)

you're sitting in math. it feels like time has paused. forever. you can't stand how the chair digs into your back and how the desks are so spread out. you hate that your desk is too far from the wall, so you cant lean on it. your crush is in the room next door. you both like each other but you feel weird anytime you're around him, you either can't talk or talk too much. you hate this. you hate everything. you can't wait to have the next period to yourself so you can plan and get stuff done. it's a normal thing for you to procrastinate. your math teacher sounds like a TED talk. it's soothing but can get very annoying. they play 80's and 90's rock music all of the class, it doesn't matter what we are doing. there's one kid you're kind of friends with. not sure how to really explain it. they make fun of you and trip you but then they are actually nice.

you sit in your next period. ind. your free period. you get one every other day. the days you don't have ind you have gym. for gym, you usually just stand there because no one else knows what goes on in your head and it hurts you to physically move. you know things a lot of other people don't. other people don't know what it was like to be 5 and have your parents get divorced. having them constantly fight in front of you. That must be why you're so fucking sensitive. you now find yourself working on a test for your English class. you don't have English until 3 more periods. you email the one kid while they're complaining about an assignment. they really don't like school. they have even gotten suspended just so they don't have to come to school. you would never go to that extent. the chairs in your math room (same as today's ind) hurt. you constantly complain about them. everyone does. you have to sit in here from 9:19-10:07. it's only 9:39. you finish your test early. you and the kid are talking about shoes. night now you are mainly stressing about school work, grades, and getting into high school. you hate middle school. it's the worst years of your life. there is one teacher you hate. they are straight-up rude to you and others. right now you wait for them to unlock a missing assignment for you. you emailed them about it but you know you're going to get a crappy email back. they didn't even give you time to finish the video. you get ready to leave ind and go to science.

you load your science page to lesson 4.2. you're scared. science is full of all of the people that have harassed you for 3 years. sexually, mentally, and physically. you're a pushover. you always have been. today you have to talk in front of them. it's not okay. you hate doing partner work. you hate it. when you have a partner you feel that either you do all the work or you depend on the other people/person. you always feel bad. they (the people) are annoying. they are rude. your science teacher gets off topic a lot. but so do you, so it's okay. today you've only talked to about 4 people. you don't talk much when you know something is wrong. you can't figure out what it is though. you really don't like partner work. today you're wearing what you want. Sweat pants, an MHA Hello Kitty shirt, and a zip-up hoodie. you feel safer than the days before.

you took a break from everything. you really can't stand it. some people make you very upset. tomorrow you are going to stand up for yourself. you think about putting yourself in a mental institution. you really want to. you've thought about stopping everything but you can't get yourself to do it. you think about your brother and all your "friends" that would miss you. that's why you think a mental institution is better because it wouldn't last forever and you can always go back home. you can always see your family and friends. you can still be here. you just wrote down the address and phone number to the best place you could find. hopefully, you get better. it hurts. you can't live like this anymore. you're starting your new and first job Sunday. stay here for that. you've dreamed of this job since you were little. do it for your little self.

(the next day)

it feels like every week you have a new crush. it's been over a month since you and your boyfriend started being together. you did like him. you now like someone else who is actually respectful to you. he's funny. you really like him but you don't know what to do about your boyfriend. you have to figure it out. and fast.

you've done a lot better. your parents are putting you in therapy. you haven't hurt yourself in about 3 weeks. you sit at your desk fearing about school. the people that have harassed you are trying to get closer to you but you've realized that the guy you like isn't going o let them. you really like him but you are still in a stupid relationship. you've been working on ways to be a better you and be happier but it's hard when you take things too personally and it really hurts you. you try not to show it at school but at home, you let it all out. you change out of your jeans and into shorts while you make a vision board at your small makeup desk.

(a week later)

you've done a lot better. your parents are putting you in therapy. you haven't hurt yourself in about 3 weeks. you sit at your desk fearing about school. the people that have harassed you are trying to get closer to you but you've realized that the guy you like isn't going o let them. you really like him but you are still in a stupid relationship. you've been working on ways to be a better you and be happier but it's hard when you take things too personally and it really hurts you. you try not to show it at school but at home, you let it all out. you change out of your jeans and into shorts while you make a vision board at your small makeup desk.

What a day you've had...

(to be continued. (I write a thing about my day every-day so there will be more))