The ripening of a Violet

You know it’s funny how we all think we want to grow up. But, when you start going through some of the most awkward and embarrassing years of your life you’re practically screaming and begging to go back to when all you had to do was to be cute and create painfully awful art with waxy sticks that older people think is oh-so-beautiful. The “ oh so beautiful ” turns into screaming matches on why you failed your chemistry test. The once colorful world becomes colorless. Congrats you're 13! You're an adult now. Ok, maybe not when you're fighting with your parents and they say “I’m the adult, you're the child” but you are when the next week you have another fight with them and they say “ you’re practically an adult now, you should know better.” I know it's pretty contradicting but just wait a few more years. It gets worse. I can surely tell you that. Oh by the way I'm the lovely narrator of this oh-so-beautiful story. I’d prefer not to say my actual name because you guessed it, I'm a teenage girl scared to have even more embarrassing things happen to me. You can call me violet, I'm 16, a Gemini, and currently residing in Seattle. Let me tell you, being a teen girl in Seattle hasn't been like Icarly at all. If anything it’s been like Kurt Cobain's story, we all know the ending to that story ( I hope if you don't know it I advise you not to look it up because if you couldn't tell I’m not all sunshine and rainbows). Growing up in Seattle has perks, like growing up in a lot of the other big cities. Such as more opportunities, more diversity, better education, and other shit like that, also it's artsy as hell here so it's a trashy ( like actually trashy ) city but it’s aesthetic so yay. Sadly it has its cons like not being able to get out of your small town and then bragging to your friends that you got out. Ok, Ashley, that's great. I'm so happy for you but you don't get to assume I've had an easier life because I grew up in a bigger city. You're bragging and happy about how you went from milking cows to living here and I want to kill myself. Babe, we’re not in the same category. If you couldn't tell I'm jealous that I didn't grow up in a small town and then move because if I did, you'd be reading a completely different story. Maybe you wouldn't, maybe I'd carry on the mental issues to another lifetime. We’ll never know. If not you’re stuck with this beautiful mess of a teenage girl that grew up too fast just wanting to create bad art again. I need a hug even though I hate physical contact. Probably because I didn't get much of that growing up. We should calm down a little and just talk. Me and you. Hi stranger, how are you? Hopefully good because if you responded with anything different I wouldn't know how to respond. You know Seattle isn’t as big as everyone thinks, what makes it big is all the surrounding suburbs. Growing up and coming of age here has been a real blessing although we didn't get the small town hospitality. When you live in a big city you have more opportunities for education, and jobs, and my very favorite part is all the entertainment. Plays, Sports, musicals, museums, and my favorite music life around here is amazing. Teens love music in general but for some reason, I think teens here love music the most. We have some iconic musicians, such as Jimi Hendrix ( my stuffed frog is named after him), Nirvana, Macklemore, Brandi Carlile, Pearl jam, Heart, Alice in Chains, and many more talented artists. I can brag about one thing, right? I’m also so blessed that musicians always travel here when touring. In my short 16 years of life ( it’s felt like 90) I've been to over 30 concerts. This past summer I went to my first festival and hey mom look I didn't do any drugs! I loved it, our community is so welcoming and kind. I also am really big into records and collecting them. I started one day when I was in 7th grade and went with my dad to goodwill and saw them and picked out a few including a Ray Conniff “Honey” record because the lady looked like me and now “ Honey I miss you” is one of my favorite songs. I also picked up a Mick Jagger record that turned out to be rare but I haven't sold it. I probably won't because I have it purely for looking at a handsome man. Could you blame 13-year-old me, or even 16-year-old me? My favorite record store is called “Easy street records”. It's in west Seattle and it's huge. Easy street also has a cafe with items that are cliches such as The Hank Williams Western Omelet, The Salad Of John And Yoko, and The Dolly Parton Stack. Easy street is a safe space for people like me. Do you know when you’re in your element? That is me there. I know nothing about the people flipping through different records to find the perfect one but yet I feel as if I know them. I also spend way too much money there so I only go every six months. Another spot around our city is a skincare store called Glossier and I'm not joking, this place looks like an art exhibit. It’s quite dystopian. No checkouts, just employees wearing all the same jumpsuits in the same light pink color.  I think their products work well, I mean I wouldn't know I don't have a lot of acne. It better work for the $100 I spend every time I go there. Anything to stay trendy, right? About a good restaurant? I don’t know. I have disordered eating habits so I don’t like to talk about food but if you insist just go to pike place and there are many options. I also read a lot and watch a lot of movies. My favorite book is The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. My favorite movies are The Perks of Being A Wallflower and The Portrait Of A Lady On Fire. Oh yeah, also But I’m A Cheerleader. There might be a pattern there. You know the saying “Your parents know before you” well that might be true because I think I might be Bi but like how did my mom even know before I knew? To be fair I'm not even sure if I know. Sexuality is just crazy to think about. It’s like yeah women are hot and so are men but why does it need to be a big deal like why do I have to come out? Luckily for me, I’m currently crushing on a boy and have been for over a  year so nothing is suspicious. My mom is just about the most accepting woman ever and she’s even a bit gay so I know nothing would change but still, it’s just scary. I don’t have any friends. Maybe I do? It’s confusing because I'm always everyone's friend but never anyone's best friend. I have a best friend, maybe? Mason has been my so-called best friend since the 7th grade when my friend group consisting of three unfriended me after two years. Always remember that there's a duo in a trio. Mason helped me through that hard time, when the pandemic started we still talked and even facetime. Well, that was at the beginning of the pandemic and it’s been two years and a lot can happen. Fast forward to now, March 2 rolls around and I message them a paragraph wishing them a happy birthday. They say “Great. Thanks.” and “ I love you”. I love you mason thank you for being my best friend. It’s July now. My birthday has come and passed. Nothing. Crickets. Maybe I should reach out and I do. “Hey I miss you. Hope you're doing well. Love you” then they say “been good. Got top surgery.” I am supportive of course and say I'm so proud of them. Now we're back to crickets. But this time I'm hurt because someone who I call my best friend didn’t tell me about major surgery. So that's my strongest friendship outside of my mom and sister and that's pretty pathetic. I have a very good online friend in Europe and we’ve been talking for over a year. I would say they're my best friend but yet again. Pretty pathetic. It’s crazy how alone you can feel in a big city. The sad part is that I think I’m normal. I do my best to fit in. Maybe I have a sign on my back. I hope I can create a better and more fulfilling life after high school. I know I will. I’m not determined at a lot of things but I feel it in my soul that it will get better. I’m determined to live in New England and do something in the sociology field. I’m determined to go to therapy and then maybe if I feel strong enough and have healed mentally I will become a mom. Breaking generational abuse will be difficult but being a mother is something I want. I have too much love that has been hidden away. I’m only 16 so it may be a while until then I tell you that I got motivated and did good things, but have a little faith in me. Until then, remember that you can do hard things and I'm so proud of you. -Violet