Holding onto the past

Marian hadn’t thought about Jenna Lewis for about four decades now.

Not until her and Alison were sorting through boxes that were tucked away in the attic of her old childhood home. Her own mother had recently passed away, leaving the countryside cottage in the hands of her children. So, here she was with her own daughter, sifting through old memories that had been laying dormant under lock and key.

“It’s like a museum up here”, Alison said as she took stock of the dusty old room and all its belongings.

“You’re not wrong”, Marian chuckled softly. “One day you’ll want to revisit what once made you happy”, she added in a terrible imitation of the words her mum used to say every time she hoarded another piece of her and her brother’s childhood away. As a teenager and young adult, she never understood her mother’s attitude towards clutter. Now, as an aging woman herself, she finds the opportunity to revisit the remnants of her life oddly comforting.

The attic itself was much larger than it looked. However, the years had seen its space filled with the debris of her youth; boxes of books that she spent reading with a torch when her parents thought she was asleep; school projects her mum must have thought were worth keeping; and old Barbie dolls that she never once passed onto her own daughter, despite the hours of fun that they had once provided her with as a girl.

“I am going to assume that this was yours and not Uncle Robert’s”, Marion turns her attention away from the boxes she was beginning to unpack and follows her daughter’s gaze towards something at the back of the room; her old rocking horse.

“What makes you think that Uncle Robert wasn’t the proud owner of that rocking horse?”, Marion teases. Her daughter just side-eyes her with an incredulous look that says “Really, mum?”

“No offense, but I cannot picture Uncle Robert as the kind of guy who spent his hours playing on a rocking horse.”

She’s not wrong. Robert was always a typical boy who loved football and grew up to love a pint with his friends. That being said, he was known to join in on her fantasy games as a kid, pretending that he was a knight on a majestic quest. She can also picture her brother telling her that, if she ever told anyone about those memories, he would throttle her, no matter how much he loved her.

“Also, whose bright idea was it to give the rocking horse a haircut?”

Marion just laughs at that. Forty years later and she is still reminded of that time her and her once-upon-a-time best friend Joanna played hairdresser for the horse.

“Oh, that was me and an old friend. Turns out fake hair doesn’t grow back the way we expected it to. Your gran was furious when she found out."

Marion can’t stop the slight twinge of guilt as she remembers the way her mother’s face crumpled when she found two girls with wide smiles, scissors in their hands and a floor full off the hair they had just chopped. Her mother had spent a lot of money on that horse and the memory always stings.

After that particular guilt-ridden memory, Marian and Alison get back to sifting through everything they need to clear out. As they continue to sort and organize the clutter, Marian begins to feel the closest she ever has to her childhood and she almost weeps at the years she thought long lost to time.

“Oh my god, mum. No way did you know Mrs Higgins?!”

It turns out that there is a broken box at the back, packed to the brim with old snapshots from much of her life. As soon as Alison takes off the dusty lid of the bulky storage container, she is hit with the scent of years gone by in the form of photos her mum had kept. It also takes her a second to realize that her daughter does not know much about her life. To her, she is her mother, plain and simple. She doesn’t realize that a mountain of memories and a lifetime of journeys shaped her into who she was before she was even thought about.

“It might surprise you to hear that your headmistress, Carol, was once a young woman, much like myself. Just don’t tell her I told you that.”

“Oh, you have to tell me all the stories, mum. I know it’s a small town, but surely there must be some gossip I am missing out on.”

Truth is, Marian has decades of memories to share with Alison and she finds that each item in here is probably worth a thousand words. However, she forgets them all the moment she catches sight of a much smaller box right behind the one Alison is rifling through. It’s almost as though it has been forgotten.

It’s an old, tattered shoe box from an old firm known as Robertson Shoes. It once held her first pair of school brogues, but it now holds something together all the more precious and fragile. The edges of the cardboard were golden-brown, showing both age and time spent locked away from both her memory and her sight.

From Marian’s memory, the box is more of a time capsule, with mementos to a teenage life that was destined to be forgotten.

As she tries to forget about it, Alison reaches for the box, assuming it is just another piece of clutter that needs to be thrown away. Maybe it should have been thrown away, but she finds her voice is stuck in her throat as the lid is finally opened and its contents revealed.

To some, the contents inside shouldn’t warrant the heart-racing response that it elicited in Marian. For example, there was an old cinema ticket for Footloose, a neon friendship bracelet missing its matching twin, and an old cassette for Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours…but, the most important one is an old Polaroid picture that depicts two teenage girls, one with fair hair in a ponytail and the other with her dark hair in messy curls. On the back, it reads: “Jenna and Marian, 1984 x.”

“Who is that, mum?”

“Her name was Jenna Lewis...and I never thought I would have to tell you about her.”

Alison seems confused by this, her eyebrows knitting together as though she has a million questions. She can tell it takes her daughter a moment to realize that the contents of the box are more like a reminders of an important relationship, and her reaction to the Polaroid must make that bit more sense to her now.

“Who was she to you?”

“An old friend I have not thought about for years.”

She can tell that Alison wants to ask more questions, can tell she can sense the atmosphere in the room has changed. This was no longer a museum to her childhood, but a connection to the past that she thought she had severed. It’s a connection she never shared with her daughter before. Before she can inquire further, Marian quickly adds.

“We were both sixteen in this picture and we had just gone to see Footloose together, as it was all the rage at the time. I was surprised she wanted to go see it with me because she never seemed the type to like dancing and musicals.”

Despite the decades that had since passed, Marian is immediately transported to the day Jenna Lewis’ presence disrupted this quiet town. It’s funny how the smallest of things can instantly transport you back in time, to a moment that you had thought long since lost to the past.

It was late ‘83 and in rolled a beat-up Chevy that stood out against the old-fashioned background. In the passenger side was a girl wearing her dad’s leather jacket, with her dark hair loose and wild… a testament to her character. It was a cliche beginning to a story, but sometimes small towns needed cliches…and, god, this town needed someone like Jenna Lewis to give it some personality. Marian needed someone like her to help show her a way out of this small box, even if she never fully made it out in the end.

“Why have you never told me about her before?”, she can tell her daughter wants to know more about the teenage girl in the photo. Whether she means Marian or Jenna, she doesn’t know.

“Because I was always precious about our friendship, if that’s what it was. She brought her love for Fleetwood Mac and leather jackets to a small town that couldn’t see past its own boxed in fences. Once I got to know her, I always thought there was something sad about her. She had been shipped off that year to live with her aunt and uncle, and, from what I know, she moved around a lot. I felt oddly charmed by her and protective of her all at once.”

As she revisits the past, she can picture her friend perfectly. She remembers being introduced to Fleetwood Mac in Jenna’s bedroom, well her aunt and uncle’s spare bedroom. The two of them lying side by side on the bed, their fingers so close, they lightly brushed against each other as the words to “Go Your Own Way” played softly through the boombox on the side table. She also remembers the time that Jenna’s ‘cool girl’ facade slipped whenever she spoke about her parents, only for that wall to build itself back up again into a charming grin that made Marian want to hug her and hold her.

Before she can get further lost to her memories, Marian softly says.

“She left not long after this picture was taken. I never heard from her again and, well I guess I was angry at her for coming into my life only to then disappear without another word. Over the years, I have come to realize that sometimes the most important friendships are fleeting.”

In the back of her mind, Marian has always wondered if Jenna Lewis ever thinks of her, or even remembers the few months they spent joined at the hip and knitted together like braids. She realizes that Alison is now looking at her, and it is as if her daughter recognizes her as someone other than her own mother. Surrounded by the debris of youth, it’s as though her daughter can now see past the crows eyes and lightly graying hair, and can now see someone who was once a young woman, something both mother and daughter now share as they both navigate different aspects of adulthood. She wonders if she ever looked at her own mother that way and wishes that she could turn back time to revisit so many moments.

It’s then that Alison breaks the silence.

“Are you sure you want to get rid of all this, mum? I mean, I know gran kept a lot, but there is so much of you up here.”

Marian blinks and takes a second to ponder the question. Before, the intention was to clear out what was no longer needed. Now, she is not so sure. She never believed she had her mother’s sentimentality….until today.

“Sometimes it’s better to let go of things that belong in the past. Besides, I should have gotten rid of all this years ago. If you’d like, one day I will tell you all about the few months Jenna Lewis spent here, and I’ll also tell you all about how her and your Mrs Higgins hated each other.”

“I would love to hear all about it, mum.”

~~

Sometime in April 1984, just after Footloose hit the big screens and everyone was reminded about the power of freedom, two sixteen year old girl’s are coming out of the cinema, arm-in-arm as girls that age always are, with their matching neon orange bracelets around their wrists.

“I never thought I would say this, but Kevin Bacon as a dancer is fit”, laughs Jenna. Her dark hair was in its signature loose waves that tumbled past her shoulders. She was so effortlessly cool, especially next to Marian who kept her hair perpetually in a ponytail and practically lived in cardigans.

“I never thought you would say that either, but I can’t say you are wrong”, this makes Jenna laugh a bit louder as she bumps her shoulder into Marian’s. It’s a small action, but Marian feels oddly grateful when her friend remains that bit closer to her.

“Button-up Marian has a thing for rebels! Never thought I would see the day”, Jenna feigns shock at her agreement. Thing is, Marian didn’t quite care for him. Sure he was handsome, but she just wanted to have something else in common with her friend. Another shared interest that entwines them together.

The thing about Jenna Lewis was that she was something of a free-spirit, someone who rebelled against the nature of their small town, and Marian found that she didn’t quite mind the disruption her friend had wrought within her. It was as though she was always waiting for someone to show her something different, and now she feels as though she doesn’t want to let it go.

“Or maybe rebels just have a thing for me”, Marian can’t help but tease back. When had she gotten so bold? A few months ago, she only had a couple of people she could call friends. But now the coolest girl to grace town had taken an interest in her and wanted to spend time with her, so it gave her a bit of an edge over the other girls and that made her feel giddy.

“Maybe they do.”

There was something of a twinkle in Jenna’s eye as she said it, all while she picked at the stray pieces of popcorn kernels that had managed to land in Marian’s pale pink cardigan. She almost blushes at how uncool it must make her look, but something about the softness of Jenna’s fingers fixing her up makes her feel lightheaded. There’s always been something about her that was oddly electrifying and made her skin feel as though it was a live-wire. Part of her doesn’t know if she wants to be Jenna, or be with her. The thought alone is terrifying for a teenage girl.

With the heat of the mid-day sun, the two girls find themselves wandering down to the pier. The spring heat was not warm enough to warrant a dip in the chilly beach side water, but Marian feels as though cool breeze will do her some good. As they sit side-by-side on the bench, knees so close they are touching, she wonders why she has always felt this need to be close to Jenna. Maybe it was because she wanted to understand her, know her stories. She came to town with so many mysteries that she still rarely shares.

“Do you think you’ll stay? Here, I mean. In town?”

She can see that the question has caught Jenna off guard, as though she hadn’t expected someone to ask her to remain with them.

“I don’t know. It’s actually quite a nice town, but I am just here with my aunt and uncle for a few months. I wasn’t hoping that it would be permanent.”

Marian can’t help but feel her chest tighten at the admission. She’d always known someone like Jenna Lewis would be too large for this town, but the reality of losing someone who had become incredibly important to her felt like it would be the end of everything she knew. Like she knew she would never be quite whole again.

“Well, if you leave, promise me you will never forget me.”

Marian tries to sound aloof and as though she isn’t as hurt as she is. They have only known each other for a couple of months, she can’t expect Jenna to feel as strongly about the friendship as she does. She probably is used to people flocking to her presence, not awkwardly struggling to make any connections beyond her small circle.

“I’d be more worried about you forgetting me.”

It’s Marian’s turn to be caught off guard. Forget someone as carefree and wild as Jenna? The thought of it is preposterous, but she catches the sadness behind her friends eyes. It’s unspoken, but the truth of it is there. One blink and it is gone, replaced with that casual grin as she says.

“You know what? Just to make sure we never forget each other, I brought this”, she says as she digs into her trusty backpack and emerges with a bulky Polaroid camera.

She doesn’t have to say anything at all, but motions for Marian to get even closer to her on the bench, as though she wants to close any gaps between them. It takes only a second and a brief flash, and this moment between the two friends is forever frozen in time. Marian might not know it now, but decades from now, there will be a piece of her that wishes she herself could remain frozen in this time as well.

“There, now you will never forget me”, Jenna triumphantly declares as she hands over the Polaroid that had now emerged from the camera. Marian takes it in her hands as she lays her head on her friend’s shoulder. The silence between them now thick with something unsaid, as Marian begins to wonder if one day all she will have left of Jenna is this picture and a memory that is destined to buried away.