Everything and Nothing Changed

Trigger Warning: suicide.

I take a deep breath, and walk up the steps to the old school. I don’t know what college will be like, but hopefully it won’t be anything like high school. I shiver, the cool autumn air blowing my now short hair into my face. I used to be able to sit on my brown hair, but I cut it a week ago. I needed a fresh start. Or at least that’s what I told myself. I pull open the door, and it’s heavy, surprising me with it’s weight. The hallway is empty and quiet. My professor for foreign relations wanted me to meet my partner for our project. Apparently me and my new partner were the last two left after everyone else was paired up. Whoever I had gotten paired up was most likely a year younger than me. Unfortunately it wasn’t a fun gap year that had thrown me behind. After high school I attempted to kill myself and ended up spending time in a mental hospital. Then I was relocated hundreds of miles away to “recover”. I wasn’t allowed to contact any of my old friends. Even contact with my family was limited. According to my therapist, talking to people of my past would hurt my future. Would throw me back into darker times. I thought that was ridiculous. I’ve missed my best friend terribly. Melody doesn’t know what happened to me-- why I disappeared. My parents refuse to tell her, thinking that she was why I tried to kill myself. They couldn’t be more wrong. Melody is the only reason why I am still alive. I met her in eighth grade, when she was still a seventh grader. We’ve been friends ever since. Or at least until a year ago. I feel like I’m betraying her, going to the college we promised to go to together. A small part of me hopes that she goes here now, though. She would probably refuse to even look at me if she saw me. 

It takes some time to find my class. I couldn’t come to the first lecture, and I hope I’m not too behind. Luckily my professor seems really nice. I finally found the classroom. Mustering all the courage I had, I opened the door and walked in. 

⚬⚬⚬

“Oh, Melody, it looks like your partner has arrived.” My professor says brightly. 

I do not share her happy, bright attitude. I freeze when I see the girl walk into the well-lit classroom. 

It’s Bexxie. That isn’t her real name, but it was what I called her. I haven’t seen her for an entire year. She just disappeared. I left her countless texts, emails and even voicemails. I asked her parents what happened to her, but they refused to divulge anything. I asked all of her friends, but no one knew anything. I know that she wasn’t just mad at me. Disappearing wasn’t her style. If she was mad, she would scream at you and we would just figure it out. But she vanished. Worry had been eating at me all year, but seeing her now just turns my worry into anger. Why did she just abandon me? Sure, she’s a year older than me, but that wasn’t ever a problem before. 

I do my best to not give any reaction to her arrival. It takes every bit of my focus to accomplish this. Bexxie looks very different from when I last saw her, but you don’t forget the face of your best friend. Her long hair has been cut short, a bit above her shoulders. She is wearing black skinny jeans and an oversized grey hoodie. Bexxie used to be overly concerned with keeping up with fashion trends, making sure that she always looked her best. A year ago she wouldn’t be caught dead in the outfit she now wore. But in a way, she looks better than she used to. Now she looks healthy, gaunt face no longer hidden under layers of makeup. Now her face is relatively clear of any makeup, and her coloring is natural. 

There is a faint white line on her neck, and now I know. Bexxie tried to kill herself. I feel shame, shame for being mad at her. This past year must have been so hard for her. And her parents are the manifestation of the devil, explaining why they refused to tell me. Does she even want to know me now? Should I tell her how much I missed her? 

It doesn’t help that I’ve been in love with her for years. I can’t think straight, so I keep my face blank of emotion and don’t say anything. 

⚬⚬⚬

No. No, this can’t be happening. I desperately wanted to see Melody, but not like this. I hadn’t been able to prepare myself to see her. What would I even say? 

Melody looks eerily unchanged. Her hair is beautiful. The front strands are a sun-bleached almost white color. The rest of her hair is golden blonde and the under layers look almost grey. She didn’t cut her hair as short as I did, but it is back to the length it was when I first met her. It landed waves, about five inches past her shoulders. Her eyes are a bright, shining blue. She is wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a sweatshirt. Exactly what she’s been wearing all I’ve known her. 

I scan her face for any trace of emotion, but I can’t find any. She acts as if she doesn’t recognize me. I know I look different, but she would forget me, would she? 

“Alrighty, why don’t you two grab a cup of coffee and get to know each other?” Our professor smiled brightly, and left the classroom. 

Panic starts to seep in. What do I do? What do I say? 

Melody hates coffee. 

⚬⚬⚬

I hate coffee, and Bexxie knows it. Why are we both acting like we don’t know each other? 

“There is a good donut shop nearby,” I say tentatively. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I have to try. I would never forgive myself if I didn’t try. 

Bexxie hesitates for a moment, but eventually nods in agreement. “That sounds good.” She seems so nervous, and it startles me. Bexxie is never like that. She is always confident. She goes out and does whatever she wants. She never cared what anyone thought. 

I understand though. I’m nervous, too. 

I can’t stand it anymore. I hug her. It has been a year since she has been in my arms like this. Bexxie smells and feels exactly the same. It takes a second, but she hugs me back. 

⚬⚬⚬

“I’ve missed you,” Melody murmurs. I’ve missed her too. So much. 

I kiss her on the cheek, controlled by urge. I lean back, and realize that her face is bright red. Then it hits me. 

Melody has always meant a lot more to me than just a friend. And I’ve meant more to her, too. Suddenly the world doesn’t seem so dreary anymore. Finding my Melody again has brightened my world. 

Everything-- but also nothing, changed.