Our Remains

I was only 21 years old when I died. Since then, it's like the world died with me.

It was sudden, thank God, and mostly painless. Well, truth be told, it was the most painful thing I've gone through, but only for a second. For a quick second, I felt the anguish of everything, and in the next moment, nothing.

Still, it was nothing compared to the ongoing anguish of my brother, Ben, who seems to have died with me. Ever since my passing, he's given up. On life. On himself. And I am powerless to help him.

Well, mostly powerless. He visits me, every week. Once every Thursday afternoon, he sits over my body and we chat. It's a one-sided conversation, he never hears me, and how could he? In the beginning, he would just sit there and cry, saying nothing, replacing the flowers at my grave before leaving. One day, he started to talk to me.

"I don't," he sniffled. "I don't want to use you as my therapist."

Please, do.

"It doesn't seem fair to you, to your memory."

You know I always let you vent to me before

"I would always unload all my problems onto you, anyway, though."

And it was never a burden.

"I know you'd probably say I wasn't even a burden, even though I felt like one."

He just sat there for a few minutes after that, holding back tears. If I had an arm to offer my little brother, I would have used it.

"Remember when we used to race as kids?"

You would always try to beat me.

"You would always win."

You'd still have enough energy to get back home.

"And you would always be too tired to walk back. I did win that one time, though."

You cheated!

"You accused me of cheating. I didn't though, I don't care what you say," Ben laughed in that half-crying laugh only a person in heavy mourning can achieve. "It was the only time I did, though, it hurt to breathe after that! I didn't want to be that exhausted ever again!"

It comes with the sport.

"You were always the athletic one. Always running, always playing sports. You refused to be the captain of your college basketball team because you were worried you wouldn't be able to play as much."

He paused, holding back more tears.

"I just don't get it. You were always the healthy one. You should have... you should still be here. I'm the lazy one."

Never underestimate lazy. Lazy might have saved me.

"Man, I could imagine you down there, cracking jokes about how being lazy could have saved your life," Ben laughed again. "You and your dark sense of humor. You know, I stopped using my phone in the car. Every time I do, I just imagine..."

His voice trailed off. He couldn't even think about the person who killed me.

"I really miss you, Casey. Really bad. I can hardly get out of bed anymore. Our place just feels so empty without you."

And the girls.

He chuckled as if he heard me.

"And the girls you would always bring home. But, my God, it's so peaceful without the noise."

He paused.

"I really miss the noise."

He said his goodbyes and left.

After another week, he came back, at the same time, on a cold Thursday afternoon.

"Remember the pact we made?"

You'll have to remind me.

"To make sure neither of us had classes or practice on Thursdays."

So we could have lunch.

"So we could have lunch."

It was Mom and Dad's idea.

"It sure made Mom and Dad happy, knowing their sons were getting along and making time for family."

I wish they were here.

"Man, I miss them. I wish they'd visit more often."

You should visit them.

"You always wanted to go visit them."

Never without you, though.

"You wouldn't go, though, unless I went with you. I just can't handle those long plane rides."

Why don't you go now? Get away from everything?

"I guess I could use a trip out there now, though," he took a sip of the coffee he had brought. Hazelnut. My favorite. "Leaving now, though... I mean, I hardly leave the house anymore, it just feels so... exhausting."

But you might meet somebody.

"You would want me to go out, though. Party a bit, meet someone special, all that. I just... I haven't even cleared out your things. How would I explain that to somebody?"

Cross that bridge when you get there.

"And I can hardly go ten minutes without crying anymore, who would want to deal with that?"

Cross that bridge when you get there.

"Besides, I have work and school. I don't even have the time or the energy."

Cross that bridge...

"I wish you were here to give me advice."

He listened to me in life just as well as he does now.

Ben would always find a million reasons not to do something. He would sit inside all day, waiting for the perfect opportunity for everything.

You'll never find the perfect opportunity, I would always tell him, you need to make it for yourself.

"I guess the timing will never be perfect," he said after taking a long sip of his coffee.

Finally, you see that.

"Isn't that what you're always telling me?" he paused, suddenly choked up. He would always cry when he accidentally used the present tense to refer to me. "I guess... you were..."

Two weeks go by before he visits again. Another Thursday.

"I did it," he starts, practically skipping to my grave with something important to tell me. He would always do that when I was alive. Whenever he had something exciting to tell me, he would run to make sure I was the first to know.

You did it?

"I went out. I went to a bar. They had karaoke."

I assume you didn't sing? No one wants to hear that.

"Don't worry, I didn't sing," he laughed. "I didn't go with friends, either. I just sort of... went!"

I am so proud of you.

"And you won't believe this! There's a guy!"

A guy?

"A guy! We didn't really talk or anything, we just kind of made eye contact. I dropped something, he picked it up for me, and he goes, 'be careful, handsome.'"

He called you handsome?

"He called me handsome!"

You should have gotten his phone number!

"I know, I should have asked for his number. Maybe I will next time. And I'm sorry I didn't come to visit last week."

You don't have to visit me every week, you need to live your life. Not mine.

"I just decided, in your honor, I should try to maybe be a little more bold. Take a page from your book."

Attaboy.

"It's just..."

Here it comes.

"I don't want to be committed to anyone right now. I was fun to go out, but a whole relationship?"

You were never good at those.

"Whenever I was with anyone, I would hold back, I just know it."

You were preparing for heartbreak.

"I was ready to get my heart broken, and I wanted to keep my distance to make sure I could handle it."

You saved the best parts of yourself for you.

"I would just make sure I had the emotional energy to come back, I guess?"

Don't worry about that now.

"You would always tell me not to worry about that, wouldn't you?"

I'm telling you now.

"I wish I could hear you say it now."

Give me a damn Ouija Board.

Another week.

"Casey!" he said, quickly sitting down. He was talking to me like he did when I was alive. Like I was still there.

"I did it! I saw him again, and this time, I talked to him and I asked for his number."

What's his name?

"His name is Elijah, and he is so into me, I think."

Look at you go.

"And we got coffee just yesterday!"

Coffee already?

"I know, I'm moving fast. But this is the new me. I know you would want me to be happy. It was crazy. I was just sitting there at home and thinking about him. And I swear I could hear you telling me to go for it! I could just feel you there like you were right next to me on the couch, asking me--"

Do you want to be miserable forever?

"And I decided I don't. I just sort of felt the sudden urge to ask him out," he paused. "But I just..."

Don't want to move on?

"I don't want to move on, you know? It's like... all through our lives, we become different people. And the version of me right now is the version you know. It's the version with a brother. And if I move on, I become someone else. I become someone..."

Without me?

"I never wanted to lose you. Everything still feels so recent. I don't think the pain will ever go away, but it's like, right now... I can still feel the joy of when you were alive. And that was the last joy I ever felt. I don't want to feel any more joy. I don't want your joy to disappear."

You need to find your own joy, though. You need your own happiness.

"I know there's no way back. I can't get you back. But I feel like there's this connection I have to you, when you were alive, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to lose you."

You already have, but you'll never lose that connection. I'll always be there. I am only memory now, use those remains and build a better life!

"I'll never forget you, though. I guess... I guess that should be enough, huh?"

More than enough.

"I just don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to become a new version of me without losing the version that knew you."

You'll always know me. The best parts of me. Now, use that to live your own life. It's what I want for you. You can't go back and live in the past.

"I know, there's no way back."

There's only the way forward.

"But how do I do this?"

You do it the same way you won that one race we had. The same way I always won.

Don't save anything for the way back.