Our Little Secret

Trigger Warning - Suggestions of trama and abuse.

Have you ever hurt so much that your entire body almost wants to give out and give up? It feels like a weight that is dragging you down. Invisible chains seem to hold you in place, but you try to be brave. Sometimes, weight of those chains becomes too much – too unbearable – and you fall to the ground with tears streaming down your face. Your entire body is screaming out to just give up, but that would be too easy. You just have keep moving forward and not let the pain take over.

Today started quite ordinarily, until everything fell apart.

I enter the bedroom on the furthest side of the house. We usually keep our seasonal storage here. Boxes clutter the room, and dust has taken over almost every surface it can. My hands graze the closet doors, and I open them, reaching out to grab a large red jacket from the back of the closet. Gently sliding it off the hanger, I hold it against my chest. I can still smell a scent of pine from the last time it was worn. The smell feels intoxicating.

Tears begin to well up in my eyes as I gently fold the jacket and place it in an empty spot on the guest bed. I spin to return to the closet, but my body refuses as it becomes rigid for the third time since this morning. I fall to the ground, sobbing, and curl up into a ball. I’m not ready to let go just yet. This isn’t right. This isn’t fair. I wanted more time.

I allow my mind to wander to this past summer. Our son, Jaxon was playing fetch in the yard with our small fox terrier dog – Foxy. Jaxon’s big blue eyes were so bright and full of wonder. Running around, I would hear him shout “C’mon Foxy! Get the stick!” Then he would toss the stick, his short little arms tossing the stick as hard as he could. Foxy would jump and run and yip for joy. I smiled at the memory.

Oh God, Jaxon, how I wish things could have been different. People talk all the time about the wonders of having a child – but no one could prepare me for this. How could they after all? No other parent could begin to fathom this kind of pain. No other parent would make such an error.

He’s only four.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I stand and brush myself off. From the corner of my eye, I notice a small white speckle fall just out the window. This must be a snow the weather forecast mentioned. More snowflakes follow, and I turn towards the closet, trying desperately to keep my mind off the snow. It’s just another reminder of what will never be again.

I bend down to gather the thick black boots. They’re made of leather on the outside with fluffy grey cotton on the inside - perfect for weather like this. A pair of black mittens bulges from one of the boots. But neither the boots nor the mittens will ever be worn again – because of me.

Here comes the grief as I settle in my own arms again. I heave and gasp, choking on the air around me.

"What's done is done." I try to remind myself. “I can’t turn back time and it’s too late to fix it.” My entire body shakes as I comfort myself once more. I remind myself need to get it together one last time before I breathe a heavy sigh and pull myself back to my feet.

I need to finish this before my husband comes home. What’s he going to think when he finds out what I’ve done? I’m certain outrage will take over – possibly even contempt. He may never look at me the same way again. I choke back the tears and try to move towards the closet but my head spins from all the crying I’ve done and sit back down. Perhaps a few more minutes couldn’t hurt.

The large grandfather clock in the living room rings out.

DONG. I begin counting. One.

DONG. Two.

DONG. Three.

DONG. Four.

DONG. Five.

The clock silences and I realize it’s 5 pm. How did the day go so quickly?

I know how. I’ve been crying on and off since morning. I started my day calling my mother as usual while cooking breakfast. Foxy was being especially playful. She kept running up to me with a ball in her mouth and I would grab it and toss it before returning to the stove. Jaxon was still sleeping the last I had checked on him.

My face grows pale thinking about it all, and I felt my stomach turn slightly.

He was supposed to be asleep.

I see lights flash through the window and realize my husband came home a little early today. I quickly stand to race to the closet. There’s no need for him to deal with this. I need to face what I’ve done alone. I grab the set of trousers from the closet and toss them with everything else before grabbing one of the boxes and dumping its contents to the ground.

I gently place the items into the box and start towards the door just as my husband walks into the room. He looks me over before ultimately prying the box from my arms and holding me.

“Jesus Christ Shelly, it looks like you’ve been crying all day.” John says as he walks me to the bed to sit back down. I begin to cry heavily again as my husband’s strong but gentle arms warm my heart.

“J..John,” I blubber, “I... I have something to tell you. It’s about… about…”

John cuts me off.

“Shelly, Jaxon told me that you let it slip this morning about Santa Claus. Is that what all this is about?”

I wail at the statement. He must be so angry.

“John! I’m so sorry!” I shout through tears. “My mother and I were on the phone… Jaxon- he was asleep when I had checked on him. We were discussing Christmas, and well, you know how my mother is. She doesn’t think children should have that sense of magic and wonder. She kept insisting I tell Jaxon, and when I declined… I realized he’d had been standing in the doorway. He heard everything. I know we wanted Jaxon to have that experience. I didn’t mean to, John! I’m so sorry!”

I cried harder, bracing myself for yelling or slammed doors. It’s what my father would have done.

But instead, John held me tighter.

“Shelly, it’ll be ok.” John sounded calm as he brushed a piece of hair from my face. “Jaxon seems fine. He told me that sad at first, but when I said it’s a special secret and he can be a part of the fun as long as he didn’t tell any of his cousins, he got excited. Plus, I can still wear the Santa outfit for Christmas dinner.”

My heart lifts slightly at the news.

“Really?” I asked. John nods. “Jaxon isn’t upset? And neither are you?”

“Nope,” John smiles, shaking his head. He rubs my shoulders before grabbing the box that I had placed all the pieces to the Santa outfit in. He chuckles as he opens it. “You silly woman. I love you. Let’s put the Santa outfit back in the closet and get dinner on the table.”

I smile and nod.

We both stand and grab each item – placing it all back neatly in the closet. As I walk out the storage bedroom, I hear Jaxon brightly shout to Foxy, “Get the ball Foxy! Good girl!”

I guess today wasn’t as devastating as I had thought. As we walk down the hall, I glance over to the bathroom cabinet where I keep another small secret. With all the internal chaos I had created, I hadn’t quite taken the little test I had picked up yesterday from the drug store.

I smile, realizing that we may just have another chance at this.