The Egg Watch

I am dead. 

I am dead. 

I am dead. 

Please press the A and C buttons at the same time, then I shall be Kuchipatchi once more! 

If you were to press the A and C buttons at the same time, then I could tell you that I am a sweet, laid back Kuchipatchi who loves to eat and sleep (and eat!). 

And should you press the A and C buttons, at the same exact time of course, then you would know I am from the lush Patchi forest. 

Oh, and did I mention that I love to eat? 

But PLAYER TWO does not know any of this, because PLAYER TWO never fixed me. Instead, he stuffed me in this very small, dark, portable square.  

I wonder where PLAYER TWO is. And I wonder why he left me here.

My HAPPY METER has been very low for days. I have not passed the RED ZONE. I wish to pass the RED ZONE, so that I may be very happy and move to the ORANGE ZONE, then onward to the YELLOW ZONE, and eventually, all the way to the PURPLE ZONE. 

The last time I was even near the PURPLE ZONE was when PLAYER ONE held me. Her fingernails were painted blue. I liked that. 

PLAYER ONE was the best GAME PLAYER. She would clip me to her belt, keeping me close, and I’d hang there from her jeans. She’d pick me up, each and every day, and feed me many cakes and candy. She cared for me so well, I never got sick. Not once. 

I miss PLAYER ONE. I still don’t know why she stopped caring for me.   

Perhaps I have lost my purpose.

But that’s not what PLAYER TWO thinks. PLAYER TWO thinks I am quite special and will make, I quote, “a great gift!”

Speaking of, I hear PLAYER TWO laughing just now. He must be—

Suddenly, I am rattling against the walls of this tiny, dark square. Something is shaking me hard. I feel sick, and if my HAPPY METER could go any lower, it would. 

There’s a muffled voice, a few seconds of silence, then a loud ripping sound. I see a strip of light and feel more airflow. Ah, this is much better. I wait for the ripping sound to come again. 

It does. 

And in no time, I am in the hands of PLAYER THREE. I am most excited to be held again. It has been a long time coming. I only wish for PLAYER THREE to press the A and C buttons, at the same exact time, so that I can be Kuchipatchi once more!

But PLAYER THREE does no such thing. Instead he says, “What is this hunk of junk? Wait, is this a Tomigochee?”

For the briefest of moments, I think PLAYER THREE sees me, truly really sees me (even though he just completely butchered my PRODUCT NAME).  

And so I do my best to gleam up at him. 

But PLAYER THREE only glares down at me. 

Then, PLAYER THREE shakes me so hard, my batteries start to spin. I wish he would stop. 

Eventually PLAYER THREE says, “Why is there a skull on the screen? Aww man, it's busted! You know the theme here was retro, people, not defunct.”

I do not know what either “retro” or “defunct” means, but PLAYER THREE seems most dissatisfied with me. 

And all at once, I feel very small and very bad. I feel so very small and so very bad, that I wish to be back in that dreadful, dark, tiny square, so that I may be hidden from PLAYER THREE and the rest of the PLAYERS watching me.

I look around the room at all the other PLAYERS, some of which are sitting on the couch, the floor, or in chairs. And all of them are staring at me with forlorn faces. Finally I spy PLAYER TWO leaning against the doorway.

I am hoping, at the very least, PLAYER TWO will be smiling at me. But he isn’t. In fact, he looks the most dissatisfied out of all of them. 

PLAYER THREE mutters, “This has gotta be the worst white elephant gift here,” and then tosses me back into the dark, small square from which I came. 

I hit the side wall with a clink, then fall back into black.

I lie very still. 

And I know, this is where I belong.

***

PLAYER THREE begged other PLAYERS to “trade me” all night long. Eventually someone did. 

And I ended up back with PLAYER TWO. At first I felt much better, because PLAYER TWO was kinder than PLAYER THREE. 

But then, I noticed the way PLAYER TWO was looking at me. It was as if his HAPPY METER was at an all time low, too. 

So I stayed very quiet and very still. 

Until I heard her voice. 

Much, much later, I heard her bright, bubbly voice call out to PLAYER TWO.

“You ok Jeremy?” the voice said. 

PLAYER TWO sniffed. “I’m fine, Britt. Hey, what gift did you end up with?”

The bright voice, which sounded like sunshine, giggled. “That’s why I’m here. I want to trade, mine for yours.” 

PLAYER TWO was as confused as I was. 

I thought no one wanted me. 

PLAYER TWO said, “Are you sure? It doesn’t even work.”

I wanted to remind PLAYER TWO that if he were to just press the A and C buttons, at the same time of course, I would work perfectly fine.

But I didn’t have time to think about that, because just then the warm voice said, “I think it’s really cool, big brother. And I like the egg watch, just the way it is.”

PLAYER TWO sniffed again. “You swear it?’

The bright voice squeaked, “Cross my heart, hope to die!” 

After a pause, PLAYER TWO lifted me out of the dark square. 

And then I saw her.

She was a tiny thing, much smaller than PLAYER TWO. And she was bouncing up and down like a wind-up toy (don’t ask me how I know what that is). 

Then, PLAYER TWO placed me, in what would be, the hands of PLAYER FOUR. 

She immediately pressed the A and C buttons. 

And I noticed, right away, that her fingernails were blue.