I Wish I Had What They Had

“You’re better than this, Yona.” My mom said “You could have-”

“Stop.” My brother cut her off.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me,” Parker continued as he stood up, slamming his fork with a piece of chicken on the end back onto his full plate of food. “Do not talk to her that way, especially about school, especially now.”

“She’s my daughter-”

“-and she’s my sister!” He slammed his fist on the wooden table “Don’t talk to Fiona that way!”

“Speak to your mother kindly, son-”

“Oh don’t even get me started with you.” Parker snarled as he moved closer to our mother’s boyfriend. “Don’t call me son because you aren’t my father and you never will be.”

Steven started dating Mom when Dad died, though it’s been three years and she’s allowed to move on, but it just feels off. I just thought it was because they just started dating and that we just had to get used to him, but Parker never warmed up to him. As he kept yelling at Steven, Mom covered my little sister’s ears. His yelling became inaudible, and I could see Steven restraining from yelling at my brother, his face fixated on his eyes, darting his gaze towards me, Mom, and my little sister Lily for a short while until I scooped Lily up and brought her to my bedroom, locking the door behind me while I heard Steven start to yell.

“What’s happening Yona?” Lily said in fragments, throwing her arms at me as I set her onto the bed “Who is brother fighting?”

“That’s Steven, babe.”

“Who’s Steven?”

“Mom’s boyfriend, his name is Steven.” I answered as I layed on my back on the bed, pulling the light brown blanket onto me and Lily.

“Why do you call him Steven?” Lily questioned as she yawned. She reached for the frog plushie that was sitting next to her and pulled it tight.

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you call him Steven?” She repeated “Isn’t that Dad?”

I froze. I forgot.

Lily never met him. Lily never met her father, our father. He died before she was born, days before to be exact. He went missing coming back from France, his flight back to Brooklyn was delayed, so he was going to stay the night with my grandparents, Mom’s parents, but he never got there. Missing posters went out in France, but word never got out to us until he was announced dead days before Lily was born and when she was, we weren’t aware of his death because nothing was sent to us until Lily was a week old. 

At that time, Parker was in his first year of college, but he still lived at home. The two of us mainly took care of Lily when we weren’t in school, leading our mom into depression for months before she got back on her feet. When she did, Lily turned one year old and went back to work, which didn’t make it any better for us not seeing her. We were lucky to even see her in the morning, and I’m talking about early in the morning, around five in the morning or so.

“Yona?” Lily snapped me out of my trance.

“Sorry babe.” I patted her head “Take a little nap, okay?”

“But-”

“-you need to sleep-”

“-but-”

“Lily.” I said in a stern voice, turning off the lamp light “Please take a nap.”

It took until Parker and Steven finished yelling to fall asleep, which followed a loud door slam. When I went back to the dining room, I found Parker’s white shoes gone and Steven and Mom in the kitchen doing the dishes and putting the food away. Mom signaled for me to come and help, but I knew I couldn’t.

Even her face was saying it.

I walked to the door, threw on my dark green jacket and black boots, took the house keys and phone from the countertop and left. Wherever Parker went it couldn’t be far since his car was here, but then again he could have gone for a run. Where could he have gone?

Maybe to one of the shops outside of the neighborhood? Or did he go to his friends? I don’t even know what shop he would have gone to, and there are too many to count. He probably went to his friends, right?

Right?

I jogged to the front of the neighborhood and crossed the street, ending up in the community across from us. I took a couple of twists and turns to find his friend’s house, Anthony. From the front door, I heard faint male voices that sounded like teenage boys, one was Anthony’s. I rang the doorbell to no response but the voices stopping, and then a ring on my cell phone.

Ring ring, ring ring. Ring.

“Hello?” I said.

“Go away.” Parker harshly said.

“Well hello to you too-”

“Fiona. Leave. Now.”

“Parker. Cut. It. Out.” I broke up the words as I mocked him “Come home.”

“Is Steven still there?” He asked. The way he said Steven was in the tone of voice in which he yelled at him in, which signaled for me to just end the phone call there, but I didn’t want to.

“Sadly, but-”

He didn’t care. Of course Parker didn’t care. 

All he wanted was Steven out of the house, and out of our lives, but he also wanted what was best for Mom.

But not in this case. He didn’t care.

Of course Parker didn’t care.

I went back to the house after that, taking a stroll through Anthony’s neighborhood and mine before heading back home at nine. Lily was still in my bed when I got back, so I just let her sleep there instead of having to deal with her crying for me to take her out of my room. 

I scrolled on Instagram for a bit before going to bed, sitting on the beanbag on my balcony. I saw all of the nice family dinners people were having, with their parents.

Both of them.

I saw family-friends, and I saw nice siblings not arguing with each other all the time and babies who actually look happy. That was all I saw before I went to bed. I couldn’t see any of it for any longer. I felt like I was going to explode.

I wish I had what they had. I wish I had a nice family dinner and I wish that I had a nice family that didn’t argue all of the time.

But I knew that didn’t exist, not in a million years would I find that, no matter how hard I tried or how much I looked.

My family will always be that family. My family will always be the family that argues nonstop just for their benefit.

My family will always be that family.

I wish I had what they had. I wish I had a nice family dinner.

I wish I had what they had.