Puddles, Rain, and Forever Sky

I step out of the gray, monotone building and immediately feel the unwelcome heat on my face. I glance upwards towards the Sky, noticing her cheery and bright disposition. Giving an air of nonchalance and peace as if unbothered by the current state of my life. Her cloudless expanse mocking my dreary attitude. I fight against the urge to roll my eyes. What was I to expect? That the earth would show compassion? That she would mimic my gloomy appearance? That perhaps I would find someone, something to share the burdens of my struggles? That maybe, just maybe, someone would care? 

“Good one, Kiera.” I scoff to myself. 

Yet, even as I reprimand myself for the ridiculousness of such a desire, I cannot help but yearn to trade destinies with the beautiful expanse above me. Why should she be able to thrive over this fallen world, while I struggle to survive amidst it? A lone tear escapes, trickling down my face and onto the ground before I can wipe it away. 

“How pathetic can I be?” I say to myself as my eyes dart around ensuring that my internal monologue was not obvious to the growing crowd surrounding me. 

In my perusal, my mind wanders to each person and the lives they lead. For the first time, I find myself questioning if their stories are anything like mine? Do their eyes hide the secrets of broken hearts and shattered dreams? Do their mouths lie as mine does when it smiles out of courtesy instead of true emotion? 

My curiosity peaks as I take in my surroundings. My gaze led to a woman clothed in a beautiful red blouse with ruffled sleeves and a black pencil skirt. She has an air of sophistication around her. Long auburn locks are tucked securely in a neat bun at the nape of her neck. Her gate is swift yet assured. The confidence she carries grows more intimidating as she approaches. She is the epitome of success that I could only ever dream of being. Although the closer I look, the more I notice her eyes. Her eyes depict a much different picture. A picture of a woman afraid to be anything less than perfect for fear of not being enough. A truth hidden under the mask of composure she so carefully curated. 

I tear my eyes away as she passes by and I notice a young man. Dressed in black sweatpants paired with a still damp, dark gray t-shirt. The sweat glistens on his forehead from the workout he must have recently completed at the gym a few doors down. He’s not even aware of the people around him as his eyes are glued to the device planted in his hands. No doubt consuming an immense amount of video evidence convincing him that he’s not man enough. His faltering smile says it all. The weight of insecurity and expectation is too heavy for his grin to bear. 

I continue this examination of the world around me, finding that each individual possesses such a unique story behind every clothing choice, every hairstyle, every skin color, every wrinkle, every mask. A magnificent assortment of cultures and experiences, hopes and fears, failures and successes melding together in a sea of unawareness. 

“What a frightening speculation,” I murmur to myself.  

Not one of these people have given notice to the others. Or if they have, they could not bother to care. So busy. So focused on their own destination. Each so enthralled with the simulated world they idealize in their heads and the conceptualized world they find at their fingertips. Unfortunately, they ostracize the authentic one in front of their very eyes. 

The stark differences between the people I’ve come across today create a collage of beauty that cannot be replicated. Sadness envelops me as I acknowledge I am the only one still enough to witness it. A longing springs forth. To be seen the way I have seen. A pining to be declared beautiful because of my distinctive characteristics. A desire to be fully known and entirely cherished. 

My attention travels down to see my feet still standing in front of the courthouse, fresh divorce papers in hand. Reality once again rears its ugly head and brings my people watching to a direct halt. A new wave of anxiety crashes to the surface of my mind as I am reminded of the journey ahead. My fingers tremble as I clutch my bag closer to my body. Three kids. I have three kids to care for by myself now. Three kids that require a strength I do not possess. 

“How am I going to do this?” 

The plea barely leaves my lips before a familiar pang erupts in my head. My fingers carefully find my temple as I attempt to rub away the growing headache. The pain only furthering the chaos within my mind. 

“Take a deep breath Kiera. Just Breathe. Remember this was the best option for you and the girls.” 

I let my conscience guide me to a more resilient mindset. Determination takes over as time brings clarity to the situation at hand. 

“This was the only option for the girls” I say, correcting my conscience with complete conviction. Knowing that those little loves deserve so much more than my mere existence can supply. 

“It’s the only option for me.” 

The whisper leaves my lips in hopes that it will ring true. That I am worthy of happiness. Praying that my life will not amount to a woman all encompassed with the pursuit of happiness that she refuses the joy of the present. I look to the Sky once more as I begin the trek to my new apartment waiting for me at the start of my new life. For a split second, I witness a cloud that so closely resembles a smile. Not one of mockery, but of understanding. A welcoming smile that calls forth friendship. Though as soon as it’s seen, it dissipates. Leaving me baffled at the surely impossible exchange. Only one profound conclusion comes to mind. Perhaps I was wrong. I may not have been the only one still enough to see clearly today. Maybe I have already made a friend. This new life may not hold such dire experiences as I originally imagined.

The next few weeks are spent unpacking in more ways than one. Unpacking belongings and furniture. Unpacking years of emotional trauma due to an addiction that was not mine to carry. Unpacking the heartbreak of a marriage drowned in a sea of failed ultimatums and unwavering beliefs. Unpacking the future pain my children will walk through because of a father that failed to love them due to his inability to love himself. Unpacking the life I lived to prepare for the life I will build. There were tears upon tears shed. The memories of the love I once shared and the hardship I once faced dancing on the floor of my mind. The bitter mixed with the sweet. The love swirling with hate. The juxtaposition of what I am leaving behind creating unnamed emotions within. The only consolation coming from the one place I never thought to look. 

UP.

She quickly became a listening ear. A trustworthy confidant. Forever constant, never leaving, always there when I needed her. The Sky. My Sky. A surprising friend. The place I will forever find comfort. Through rain and snow, sun and clouds, storms and peace, she brings such insight to my life. Precisely as she had that day outside the courthouse. She brings an awareness I didn’t realize I was missing. A compassion for mankind. An understanding of seasons and time. She displays a strength and steadfastness that I hope I will one day possess. Sky, a worthy, albeit peculiar, companion. 

Nature’s gift to me. 

God’s gift to me. 

Reminding me that I am one of many enduring hardships on this planet. 

“One of many.” I repeat to myself. A mantra of inclusivity and understanding.

“I am not alone. Not isolated.”

“I am one of a community that needs help, needs strength, needs a friend.”

“One piece of a whole that needs a Savior.” 

Through my beloved companion Sky, I found that Savior. A Being who is said to be seen in all of creation. God himself. How could I not accept Him as the truth when I’ve seen Him first hand? I’ve seen His love in the way she bestows her light every morning. I’ve seen His peace in the colorful arrays of her evening wear. I’ve seen His mercy in the rainbows that flood her depths after a plentiful rain. I’ve seen His grace in the light that breaks through on cloudy days. I’ve seen Him in each and every portrayal of Sky. The creation mimicking the Creator. What a beautiful, prosperous friendship must it be that she thought to introduce me to Him? 

The time I spent with Sky, and therefore God, became the healing balm to my injured heart. I cannot give you the exact time or the precise day. Just that one morning my head arose from the pillow absent the tears. I greeted the day as God intended, with rejoicing and gladness; fully embracing the new mercies available. The pain had vanished. Hope was restored. 

My quite visible transformation seeped into my kids as well. Those amazing little girls became well acquainted with Sky and fell deeply in love with everything she stands for. She is loved by them dearly and they are protected by her fiercely. She took the time to present them to God, who stood waiting with open arms. My greatest blessing has been witnessing my children in their exchange from fatherless to fathered. From forgotten to loved. By myself. By Sky. By God. What more could I ask for? What other success could I strive to achieve?

I now march through life with a different light and a newfound perspective. One that does not solely focus on myself and the problems that just so happen to tag along. A perspective that also includes the people around me. The ones that feel alone as I did. The individuals that believe no one cares, as I did. My fresh start at life has given me a renewed purpose. To be for others what I so longed to find for myself. A true friend. I would have never known what that looked like without her.

So as I look through the window of my new beginning, and I see that Sky is blessing us with her drops of love, I cannot help but tell the girls to grab their raincoats. No longer are the rain and clouds mere imagery of a bleak soul. They represent a strength that I found I do possess. The strength my children need. The strength this world needs. So, instead of rebuking the rain or hiding away, we find ourselves drenched. Completely soaked and completely happy. Wet, messy hair flying loosely around as rainboots make footprints to the beat of the rain falling on the ground. Dancing and joy. Laughter and love. 

“This is what Sky taught us.”

I look up with immense gratitude as the beads of heaven’s water kiss my skin. 

“This is what God gave us.”

My memories of the woman, the young man, and the countless others I’ve encountered along my journey swarm my thoughts. 

“This is what I will help others find.”

One of many.

Never again alone.