Payback

The rain tapped relentlessly against the funeral parlour's street facing frontage. Inside, in a tastefully decorated side room, with her favourite daffodils, looking out on the streetscape, lay Joan Kelly's mortal remains. To the unskilled casual observer Joan looked pretty much dead but the truth was that she was fully alive just not in the conventional sense of the word.

Her family and friends visited the funeral parlour's warmly decorated side room. They came very sad that Joan had passed but happy that she had a long life and this thought gave them some comfort as they looked at her lying in state. As the crowds milled around the corpse exchanging condolences with Joan's extended family in keeping with the respect that is required in these sad occasions, everyone seemed to forget the most important person as they moved effortlessly from one person to the next. But Joan was noting every little detail and every little snub, however minor,  and every little slight was going to be avenged.

There's something about death and the spirit that shackles both until after the burial. The corpse clings onto the spirit until the burial has taken place and for some reason the spirit can't get away, not yet anyway. However Joan's spirit was active, alert to all the fake platitudes, wise to the snubs, noting all the despicable behaviour and adding these to past transgressions. Joan was doing the retribution books just like in life when she worked as a bookkeeper and now she found that plenty of people's balance sheets didn't add up - she'd have to rectify that situation in the interests of fairness and Joan was always a fair-minded individual.  

Let's wind back the clock a few hours and allow Joan a voice, it's only fair and, like Joan, we are fair-minded people.

Take it away Joan -

Her son in law David approaches the coffin quickly, showing little respect.

'So you're well able move fast when it suits you. You'll have to do a lot more than that to shift that enormous weight you're carrying around. Bet you haven't had the energy to get up on my daughter in years you useless fuck.'

David leans over the coffin and exhales.

'Ever hear of mouthwash? Breath stinks like a dog's. Maybe my daughter is catching a lucky break that you're not trying to mount her. What was she thinking marrying you? You really are such a useless bastard. All you care about is poncing about in that little sports car of yours instead of looking after my daughter.'

David said to his wife Eleanor, 'She looks so serene now. So at peace. We had our differences, she and I, but I know deep down that she loved me.'

'Deluded to the last. I never loved you. I was always ashamed that you were my son in law and I felt so sorry for my beautiful daughter for getting hitched to such a loser. But, in the interest of fairness, my daughter must carry some of the blame. Guess I'll have to haunt the two of you once you get around to sticking me in the ground.'

Joan's daughter in law Mavis walks slowly up to the coffin and peers at the contents.

'Mavis you whore. I know well what you've been up to when my son John is hard at work, that young neighbour you have is giving it to you hard each afternoon. Look at you, butter wouldn't melt to your mouth. You play at being the dutiful wife while banging any local talent you can get your claws into. John unfortunately has to shoulder some of the blame too, how can he not tag what's going on? It's beyond me. Another two to haunt, looks like I won't get much of a break. Who's next with the pity visit?'   

Beryl, Joan's other daughter in law, drops casually by the coffin.

'Well well if it isn't the Thief of Bagdad. I know you've been stealing from me every time you visit. Stealing my gold, stealing my jewellery, stealing my money and whatever you can get you greasy hands on. Do you think that I wouldn't notice? And do you really think that I'd ever forgive you for stealing from me. My poor soon Michael, my poor pet, all he could see was your big knockers and he couldn't resist, sap that he is. If only there was a way I could alert these funeral parlour folks here because you're sure to steal anything that isn't nailed to the floor of this premises. You stole my rug with the sheep's head that was beautifully embroidered by my sister. You are in for the mother of all haunting when I can ditch this dead body.'

Out of a total of ninety eight people that paid their respects that day only forty seven approached the coffin, maybe out of guilt who knows but you can be sure that those forty seven had their cards well and truly marked. Joan was fair but also she had a firm belief in discipline and is, because her spirit is very much alive, an avid believer in retribution and harsh punishments which are seen by her as a method to correct these malevolent behaviours for the greater good of society. And, allowing Joan to be a little selfish - she would gain huge amounts of pleasure in the process of dishing out these punishments.  

'It's my turn to narrate. You weren't too bad, a bit too safe perhaps but I'm taking over.' Joan said to me in a dream. So people, who am I to go against this lady. It's been fun but I'll hand the story over to Joan now.

'Ok glad he's gone. Time for a little narration. Let's clear up a few details.'

'I' will now mean me Joan Kelly. When I speak I will put quotes at the beginning and the end of my speech but no said Joan or Joan said, you get the idea.

 'I was buried three days after lying in state in that godless parlour. I can see the irony with Jesus rising on the third day and all that goes with that biblical piece. It made smile when I realised but my smile quickly faded as I checked my notes. I know I have promised a haunting or forty seven to be exact and I will deliver as promised. The thing is however no one gives you any guidelines - no manual exists, well none that I've seen anyway. I did try to gain entry to heaven but some beardy said that I didn't measure up, the cheek of him. Not to worry, the other place is much more my scene anyway. Unfortunately they had no space available there leaving me in a limbo situation. At least they put me on the waiting list, good fair-minded people down there. Now for a bit of narration.'

'I read my notes in great detail. Actually I read them thousands of times. The plans came to me easily. I decided that instead of banging doors and making floor boards creek, beds levitating, crockery smashing and all that other Hollywood horror, I was going target what these individuals valued most. I won't have time to go through all forty seven but I think you'll enjoy what I did to my son in law David, and my two daughters in law Mavis and Beryl. Blood however is thicker than water so I decided to leave my children alone, maybe I'm getting soft in my old age after all.'     

A week after the funeral David decided to go for a spin in his beloved Maserati. David did notice that he had been gaining weight in the last week at quite an alarming rate but put it down to his routine being upset due to the funeral and taking time off work. He opened the driver's door and struggled for about five minutes to get inside. Once in position he checked that he could operate the car and discovered he needed a lot of readjusting of the driver's seat and the overhead and wing mirrors. Satisfied he took her out for a run. She felt good and they raced along the quiet back roads where very few travelled in mid morning on a normal working day. Very satisfied with his drive he then became ravenously hungry. He headed straight for the drive-in and ordered a mammoth of food. He couldn't get over the amount of food he ordered, it was as if he wasn't in control - Word to my dear reader: I'm in control. He parked the car in a quiet spot and began eating.

When he finished his colossal meal he immediately felt hungry again so he drove back to the drive-in for round two. He repeated this for another three times before he was satisfied. He then drove home and no matter how hard he tried or how he contorted his body he just could not get out of his car. The fire brigade were called and two hours later David was extricated from his Maserati. The brigade had to remove the roof from his beloved car. David is house bound now and in very bad health. The Maserati, his pride and joy, had to be scrapped. Eleanor filed for divorce and left him in his own filth - Word to my dear reader: Job done.

Within a few days of the funeral John Kelly returned to work. He was genuinely upset and very about his mother's passing but realised that life goes on and bills need to be paid. Mavis waved him off to work and gave him a peck on the cheek together with a little hug. Then Mavis did some household chores before contacting Carl her young neighbour to see if he'd like to come over for some afternoon fun. Carl agreed and Mavis busied herself preparing for his visit. It must said that Mavis was quite the looker for a woman of her age and Carl thought himself lucky to be in position to give one or a few in these otherwise dull afternoons. But when Carl arrived all primed and ready for action, he found Mavis in the bedroom and she wasn't in good shape at all. She explained to Carl that she had developed a strange intimate rash and her pussy(as she called it) was very sore, far too sore for any sexual activity and she also told Carl that she just wasn't in the mood and didn't want to see him anymore. Carl stormed out of the house in a rage. Mavis didn't blame him but she knew that this ailment was going to take a long time to heal. She got an appointment with her local doctor who prescribed various creams and tablets but nothing worked and her condition confounded her doctor and other doctors she went too. She lost all interest in life, in sex, in marriage. John and Mavis divorced within a few months citing irreconcilable differences. Word to my dear reader - 'She deserved it. I have a special hatred of whores.'   

Beryl looked at her haul, it was quite impressive. A number of gold bracelets, diamond earrings, silver necklaces, various gold charm bracelets and then there was the special rug with the sheep's head, it wasn't actually a sheep's head but a swan's head: 'Ok so I got that wrong but I was an elderly woman, don't judge me to harshly.' But while Beryl was examining her ill-gotten items she noticed a loose floorboard in her bedroom. She had no trouble removing the floorboard as she used to power-lift in college. She found a rather large box which she removed effortlessly. She wondered if it belonged to her husband, maybe it contained some porn he wanted to keep hidden from her. She opened the box and discovered four gold bars - she couldn't believe it. They must be worth a fortune she said to herself. She remembered a theft at a bullion storage facility recently but doubted very much if Michael had anything to do with it, he was after all incapable of theft unlike her. She was busy calculating in her head how much the bars were worth and had already spent most of their value when there was a load bang at the door followed by an incessant ringing of her doorbell. It was the police who came with a search warrant and they arrested Beryl and confiscated the gold bars. She would be convicted because her fingerprints were all over the bars and her image mysteriously appeared on the surveillance footage. She would spend six years in jail. She and Michael shortly divorced and Michael is currently dating a lovely girl with sensible smaller knockers. Word to my dear reader - This was particularly sweet for me.

'Well my dear readers there you have it. I'm not going to go into any further detail on what became of the others that rubbed me up the wrong way but similar punishments were or will be unleashed on those people too. What I'd like to add is that their punishments were or at least will be far and away milder than the three people I unleashed my special haunting on. In my humble opinion, and, in this case, my opinion is the only one that matters here, they deserved it. Plus, if you analyse the full facts, I did set three good people free from bad marriages and bad lives that were going nowhere and, who knows, would've ended up in more misery or even bigger tragedy that may well have involved innocent folks so I would like to be remembered as a saviour of innocent lives, nowhere near Christ the Saviour, I'm don't think of myself as remotely near his league(He still won't let in by the way, I had another try but was turned away) . Next time you have to visit a funeral parlour to express your condolences I'd advise you to be extra respectful when approaching the coffin and if you pray then mention the other dearly departed in your prayers and they too may well credit the good side of your balance sheet as we're all fair minded in the spirit world if you play by our rules. Who knows, they may overlook you when they set their sights on who to haunt so finally my advice to you is pray harder as you wouldn't want to get on their bad side. All this haunting and narrating is extremely tiring, yes spirits get tired too. I'll bid you goodbye with these final words - GO AWAY.'