Drowning

This is my first creative writing that I am putting out into the world and I wanted to also add a content warning. The story contains mental health problems, death, and eludes to suicide.

"I quit” 

The two words that changed my life forever. It was any other day. Nothing special just wake up, eat breakfast, practice, eat lunch, more practice, eat dinner, and sleep. Nothing different nothing special. As a kid I was told I was special but, why? What made me so “special” maybe it was the fact that I wasn’t special was what made me special. Parents and coaches alike made sure I knew I was special though made sure I didn’t waste my talent by following my dream and not theirs.

If I could describe my childhood in one way it would be PRESSURE. Not the pressures many suffer through now as children but pressure nonetheless. pressure from my parents to outperform get good grades and hold a job. Pressure from my coaches to be the prime example of what my peers should strive for. Pressure from society having to keep a steady social face and not to mention girls too. The worst pressure wasn’t anything external though it was internal. The crushing pressure consuming me the pressure of what if I’m not anything special and I disappoint everyone around me. So pushing myself was the logical progression and trust me I got better way better and I just kept improving. 

From the age of 16, anyone who cared in the country knew who I was from sports reporters to college scouts. My path was laid out nice and clean for me. So I followed it never daring to stray too far into the woods. It was exhilarating to play the rush I got was unmatched granted so was I. Even though I was unmatched that did not mean I got out of practice and practice was anything but exhilarating closer to exhausting exertion. Had a few big scares early on In my career I shared my fair share of possible career-ending injuries. 

It May seem there is no reason to complain my life is wonderful. That’s the problem right there “My Life” was not my life but many people made it their life too. I did not get to make choices in my life. Not what I ate or did. My schedule was designed to be the most maximizing. I didn’t even get to choose who I could talk to out of fear of distractions from my practice. Matches were the only time I truly get to build unmonitored friendships. 

At least that's something that came out of this that's good. I meant a few close friends. One of those friends was Olivia. The first time I remember seeing her was when she was playing and she was demolishing. Around her, the pressures faded and I was just me and I was only mine. The way she moved in and out of play was as similar to a river carving through a canyon. But only when she acted did the current rage. I remember my parents finding this out and prohibiting me from leaving the coach's sight because she may be a distraction that was the last time I would see her for seemingly forever. But she wasn’t part of my path.

The years went by just as the matches did growing reputation. There was finally a choice I got to make for myself and that was what university I could go to. Of course, even if it was my choice my parents had their favorite and the optimal one for my talents to thrive. Thrive they did the skill grew and so did the competition making it a fun challenge and leading to rivals and notoriety amongst my peers but, as the competition grew so did the pressures. It felt as if I was in dark and freezing water and couldn’t tell what was up and what was down all I felt was the last breath leave. I had hardly any time for class work between getting the right amount of sleep and practice and I had an even worse social life with hardly any friends the only people I could talk to would be the professors. 

The next couple of years are a blur sometime within those years though I think early on I lost my mother she was only 56. Couldn’t attend the funeral though I had a match that day and “she would’ve wanted me to go to the match” according to my father. At some point, my father finally stopped controlling my actions and handed them over to my coaches and managers I don’t remember when that happened. Some points still stick out. Those were the times I got away from it all and got to be myself which was a rare occasion. One time was when while I was in my dorm some kids came door to door asking to see if anyone wanted to join a club. I knew that wouldn’t happen but I wanted to see what it was about and they were meeting in the floor lounge that night so I went and It was a blast. I went to a few other meetings to build more friendships and what was nice about these was that they knew who I was and not what I can do. I meant Flora at this club. She was the first flowers to bloom in spring. But you can't enjoy the same flowers over and over again and she showed me that. The break-up was hard for me because it was only my second serious relationship and also the fact that I was the fault within the relationship. It got hard and I thought I was hiding it enough until my coach finally noticed saying things about how poor my performance has been recently and that I need to step it was the tipping point where I thought it might just be better to stop. As I’ve reiterated it was a blur probably to mask what was real. The next thing I remember is being told about this amazing opportunity and how perfect it was for me and it truly was perfect. 

It was a school specifically for this. there would be practice every weekday and on the weekends competitions whether they were within the school or with others. What made this school so special is the fact that school work came first. I got accepted. It was especially easy to assimilate due to my notoriety. What made this school so special was not only the escape from as much pressure from school work but also the people within it who knew what I was going through. The first time I had peers of similarity. The school as it honed my skills also finally gave me the chance to spread my wings socially. Funnily enough, I knew some of the students there back from my high school years of competition. I even got to reconnect with Olivia. It was looking up Olivia and I started a relationship and we also dominated in competitions we were the definition of the power couple but behind closed doors, Olivia was the power. Early on I was still struggling with Issues. But she was my foundation. 

After a year or two within the school, I had an opportunity to play at a level that as a kid was unimaginable but there I was. I was overwhelmed but excited this would be my first truly major competition since switching schools and I was in an amazing spot in my mind. The competition was going to last two weeks but Olivia swore she’d be by my side the whole time. Starting was amazing I felt free and hearing Olivia cheer reassured me that I was me. A few days in I was the next match to play I was preparing to play doing my usual rituals and such I look back to Olivia and she wasn’t there and I swore the world froze thoughts flooded into my mind but what bothered me slightly more was the affect one person could have on me. I brushed it off as she was doing something and she’d be back but by the end, she was still not there. That had to have been my roughest match in a while. I rushed off to find her. She was nowhere to be seen. I finally get a call from the hospital, she was getting a snack before my match and she passed out. She woke up before the EMTs arrived but they still took her to the hospital. She made sure no one would tell me though so I didn’t worry.

After hearing that I rushed to the hospital my mind rushing just as much as it was before. I felt like I was sinking back down. when I arrived at the hospital she was just sitting in her room as elegant as she did anything. She explained to me that the doctors said that she was probably dehydrated but they’d keep her here overnight for precautionary measures but then she would be released. She promised she would be fine saying that I should go home to get rest and I trusted her and did that. She was back the next day. 

It was the second to the last day of the competition and at breakfast, something was off with Olivia I couldn’t put my finger on it and she promised it wasn’t anything just nervous for me. Playing the match and hearing her cheer was refreshing. I flew through the competition that day. On our way to dinner to celebrate while we were walking she collapsed. I tried and tried to wake up I called 911 but I couldn’t get more than a few words out. “Help” “Collapsed” “Come fast”. The flood gates broke everything came rushing out. The ambulance ride was a blur other than me fighting to make sure I was with her the whole time. She didn't wake back up until three hours after we got a room. The doctors told me that she had cancer and it was bad, they had told her the first time she collapsed. When she woke up I questioned her why. Why would she lie to me? Anything that she told me I couldn’t understand it sounded alien to me. While in my frantic question she just pulled me and told me “ I didn’t tell you because I only have a few days left and I loved seeing you at your happiest and wanted that to be my last thoughts. The last breath escaped from my mouth as I wrestled with the consuming current to orientate myself upright. She begged me to play the last match and promised she’d cheer for me from the room. I didn’t want to but she made me promise to. The day came after a night of no sleep as my coach is preparing me for the final match I head out and while I was out under all the lights and eyes of millions I got a call, it was Olivia she passed away. With that after fighting with the current, I slipped unconscious. I tried my best to play making stupid mistakes, and my coach yelling at me. Me yelling back at him it escalated till threw everything down and yelled 

“ I quit”