Different and the Same

10 pm. The house is empty. All the lights are off. My parents are still out on their date. My brother has gone home to be with his wife. Kiara is with her boyfriend. It’s just me. 

I pace back and forth across the kitchen floor, pulling at one of my bright red curls desperately, as if trying to straighten it out. I’d spent the last ten minutes calling friends from high school, just hoping to reignite sparks that I was afraid had all but burnt out. I called six people. All of them either didn’t respond or told me they were with their boyfriends and would have to call me back.  

Sadie, no one cares about you anymore. If you went missing literally no one but your roommate would notice for a solid week.  

“That’s not true. Kiara would notice. Kiara and I talk all the time.” I argue aloud, trying to further cement the idea that the voice in my head is nothing but a big bully. 

No. She’d wonder about you and then figure you’re busy and go back to talking to Liam. 

“Whatever. Sadie, get a grip,” I whisper fiercely. “You’re being selfish. Get a grip and learn how to be happy for—once—” 

And then there was light.  

I whip around and feel the heat rush to my face as I spot my 27-year-old brother, George, standing at the entrance. 

Despite how I’m feeling, it doesn’t take a lot of effort to smirk and greet him with, “Come back for a Scabble rematch?” 

He scratches his strawberry blond head, glances to the side, and hesitates, just long enough for me to know that he’s picked up on my mood. 

“Against you?” he finally chuckles. “I’ve given up hope of ever beating you.” 

“Good. You never will.” I pull my jean jacket tighter and pray he won’t say anything. 

He stares at me, mouth open and eyebrows raised as if paused right before he could get his next sentence out. I narrow my eyes at him. “You good?” I ask. 

His mouth clamps shut, and he laughs that awkward, light, laugh of his. “Yeah, sorry. Josie left her book here and she asked me to come grab it."  

I roll my eyes and pull my jean jacket tighter. “Yeah, I know where it is.” I throw myself around and head toward the basement stairs, calling, “Maybe your wife just wanted a reason to kick you out of the house, so she left it here on purpose!” 

I don’t expect to hear a reply, but I know he’s rolling his eyes playfully at me.  

I bound back up the stairs, The Light Between Oceans clutched in my hand. Smiling softly, I push the book towards him. He thanks me and then shifts his weight from one foot to the other. The air around us seems to thicken.  

I smack my lips. “Anything else you—?” 

“Are you ok?” he interjects, so quietly I’m confused at why I jump in my skin. 

“Hm? Yeah, I’m fine.” 

He nods, once. Seconds pass. He still won’t make a move to leave. 

I become conscious of my breathing. “Was I a killjoy tonight or something?” I mumble. 

His eyes widen and lock with mine momentarily, before he quickly shifts his gaze again. “No!” he exclaims. “No, not at all but—um—Sadie, I can tell when you’re a little down.” He shrugs.  

I cross my arms and study my feet. George and I don’t talk about deep topics. 

What is he so worried about? 

Finally, I shrug and say, “Just feeling a little off today.” 

He gives a single nod again. “Ok.” He smiles at me. “Well... You know you can talk to me... if you want.” 

My eyes widen a bit and I nod slowly. I didn’t really know that, actually. I thought the two of us had a relationship strictly based on sarcasm and inside jokes. My mind spins a thousand miles an hour. Right as George is about to give up and head home, I find myself spilling my guts. I am sick and tired of arguing with my own head. Maybe reassurance from an outside source... 

George... 

“George?” 

He raises his eyebrows. 

Please tell me you and Kiara aren’t going to forget about me? 

“I feel irrelevant.” 

His eyebrows fall down again, straight past their resting spot and into a concerned furrow. “What do you mean?” he asks, his voice patient. 

Do I regret this already? Maybe. 

But the words come spilling out despite the voice in the back of my head telling me I’m embarrassing myself. My hands fly all over the place. 

“It’s just that... You’re married. Have been for a while, and that was normal to me. But... Kiara? My little sister? She’s practically engaged too, and she’s only 18. We were best friends growing up, but now she calls him her best friend. I don’t think she’s even... aware of the fact that—that she used to reserve that title for me but... Now she, and all my friends they—they all are dating and I’m afraid I’m becoming an afterthought in—in everyone’s life it’s like I’m just—disappearing and no one even n-n-notices--” 

George’s arms are around me before I am conscious of the way my voice is breaking and the tears that are streaming down my face.  

“Hey, ok, deep breaths. Deep breaths.” 

Hearing how I sound, I return George’s hug and try to focus on his heartbeat. My breathing is hard to slow, but I do, inhaling deeply and noting that George smells like Josie’s cherry blossom perfume. 

“I think you just need to talk to Kiara.” 

The suggestion makes my stomach tighten.  

“That’s the last thing I want to do,” I inform him, sounding like a 10-year-old who doesn’t want to go to bed. When he doesn’t chuckle like I expect him to, I begin to worry about just how concerned he is. 

“Why?” he asks.  

Feeling a bit awkward now, I pull myself out of his embrace, look him in the eye... and plop onto the floor, crisscross applesauce. He doesn’t hesitate to lower himself down with me, leaning against the counter behind him and sitting with one knee up. 

“What would I say?” I ask, throwing up my hands, incredulous.

“’Oh, hey Kiara. I hate that you’re happy. Could you not?’” I bug my eyes out at him and shake my head. 

He closes his eyes and smirks a little and I feel some of the tension leave my shoulders. “You and I both know that you don’t ‘hate that she’s happy’ That’s not the issue.” 

I swallow and pick at a loose thread in my pants. “Of course, I don’t,” I mumble. “But that’s what it will sound like to her.” 

He shakes his head. “No, it won’t.” 

I bring my gaze back up to his face, waiting for him to continue. He doesn’t. 

I smirk. “You're a man of many words.” 

His face twists in confusion for a second. Then he chuckles and says, “I don’t feel the need to expand when my point has been made.” 

My eyes try to roll to the very back of my head. "Yeah. Sure provided a lot of evidence there," I mumble. He chuckles again. 

The silence lasts long enough for me to notice the sounds of the house settling. Then, I say, “It’s just that... You know I had... mental issues in high school, yeah?” 

George shifts and his face falls. “Yeah. I mean. Mom and Dad told me nothing but the fact that you were struggling.  

I nod and push the curls out of my face. “It’s just that, by the time I crawled my way out of that hell around my senior year, she had already met Liam... I feel like I missed out on my chance to make memories with her before we... grew up... It’s all happening so fast and I feel... like... she wouldn’t even notice if we didn’t talk for months.” 

He bites his lip. “She loves you so much, Sadie. We both do.” 

The tears well up again. He reaches for my hand and squeezes.

“Would you call her? Please?” 

“She’s over at Liam’s.” 

“You don’t have to take long. Just call her.” 

“George —” 

He rolls his eyes and pulls out his phone. 

I narrow my eyes. “What are you doing?” 

He doesn’t answer. He dials a number. He waits. 

“Hey, Kiara, sorry.”  

“—it’s fine, is everything ok?” Kiara’s voice rings out as George throws her on speaker. 

My eyes widen as if I’d seen a ghost.  

“Why?” I mouth to George. He ignores me.  

“I think so, I was just a little worried about Sadie. Did she... seem off to you tonight?” 

A beat. “Yeah. Yeah. A little bit actually. Why? Is she ok?” 

“I think she’ll be ok; she talked to me a little. I think she’s feeling a little... left behind. Like people don’t care about her anymore. Like you and I will forget about her just because our partners are like, ‘all we need’ or something?” 

My face is bright red. The line is silent for long enough that I wonder if we lost connection. Then Kiara’s voice comes back, firm.  

“Well, that’s stupid,” she says. “Sure, things are... changing but she’s—It’s Sadie. I’m always gonna need Sadie.”  

George smiles at me and cocks his head toward the phone as if to say, “See?”  

I bite my tongue, smile slightly and wipe my eyes. 

“She needs to be reminded, I think,” George says. 

Kiara groans, “Oh my word, what, am I gonna have to smack some sense into her? Gol—What an idiot.” 

I stifle a laugh. My heart seems to beat more freely in my chest. Somehow, that is the kindest, most important thing I have ever heard her say regarding me.