Why Do I Keep Breathing? / Videotape

Inhale.

And so, the air we breathe no longer offers vitality; it kills as much as it takes life. It reeks of burning metal, the dampness of abandoned concrete buildings, and the unholy aroma of rotten flesh. The air is death. Every inhale is a step closer to seeing your God. Jesus Christ, Buddha, Vishnu, Allah, it doesn’t even matter, everyone is painfully desperate to see what’s on the other side. These days, the thought dying is more of a relief than a worrisome burden. “There is nothing left to live for,” a friend of mine would say every day until the day he finally passed. He didn’t die of an illness or any natural causes, he made the decision of taking his own life away before any of that would happen. He drowned himself in his own bathtub. He chose to go that way because at least he wouldn’t have to breathe in anymore of this sickening air around us before he went. I can’t blame him. It really does hurt, breathing does. Every day the pain worsens. You can feel your chest tighten more and more like someone put a boulder on top of your chest, and every time you breathe someone adds a pebble on top until you can’t even inhale anymore. What a shithole this place is. How can you live in a world where doing what keeps you alive is also what kills you?

And then there’s you. 

You in your tattered floral dress that was once vibrant yellow with bright red roses, but now just a pale brown color with faded red circles that no longer look like anything organic. You telling me the same story over and over again of the cat you loved when you were a child and kept weeping for endlessly after he got ran over by your dad’s car. You tying your hair into a ponytail when you’re about to get serious every time we have an argument, getting ready to issue your final statement, the killing blow – which usually always has something to do with a mistake I made in the past that doesn’t really have any significant connection with the argument we’re having. You sweating profusely like a world class athlete in a post-game interview when you have a hard time trying to solve a sudoku puzzle. You crying when you fail at doing something you tried really hard to accomplish and then you being furious at me, beating on my chest with your fists, for encouraging and consoling you instead of telling you that you failed and made a mistake – and then you getting even more mad at me for laughing. You and your stare that defines elegance and a smile as pristine as the sight of starlight in the night sky.

Why do I keep breathing?

It’s because of you and your stupid dress. The scent of your dress that seduces my nose as I clutch your hip section and bring your fragrance nearer to my face. Your scent of roses, which reminds me of the smell of the local flower boutique where my mom used to bring me when she went to buy flowers for her garden. It’s the type of smell that makes you breathe slowly and deeply to really appreciate the aroma. Something about that scent keeps you dreaming. You still somehow make me dream, and I hate it, but I also can’t help myself. 

What was that song you loved again?

Videotape. I forgot who the artist was though. I didn’t really like the song much, but you forced me to listen with you when you felt like listening to it. We would sit together at the couch on a Friday night with the vinyl record playing by the fireside. It just wasn’t my type of song. It had an experimental, complex, and melancholy sound that I could appreciate, but it never really hit me. I didn’t find it catchy, it sounded too depressing for me, and the falsetto voice of the singer made it very difficult for me to understand the words. But you continued to force me to listen with you anyway. You even explained the meaning of the song to me once. The song portrays a dying man recording his emotional last good-byes. It’s about a man who chooses to die alone and says his goodbyes through the videotapes of himself that he recorded. The man does so because he doesn’t connect emotionally at the present, so he decides to show his real feelings after he has passed. And so, week after week, we listened to the song on Friday nights with you resting your head on my lap. Although I didn’t really enjoy the song, I loved wasting away time brushing your hair and feeling the heat of your breath caress my skin. It took me a while before I could finally understand the lyrics and have the song stuck in my head.

I can already hear the song playing in my head right now,

“When I'm at the pearly gates

This will be on my videotape, my videotape

Mephistopheles is just beneath

And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days

And I have it all here

In red, blue, green

Red, blue, green”

Nights like those seem so long ago when you look at the state of the world these days. It’s only been a few years since the world went to shit, but it feels like we’ve been living in this hellhole all our lives. You are my escape from the world. That special scent emanating from your old dress is enough. It helps me remember the world before. It brings me to happier times as cheesy as it sounds.

My memories of you play on my head like it’s a videotape in itself.

“You are my center

When I spin away

Out of control on videotape

On videotape

On videotape

On videotape

On videotape

On videotape”

My vision fades to pitch black, but I can still feel your warmth against my chest. We’re having a slow dance together. The feel of your dress’ fabric is nostalgic. It doesn’t look like how it used to, but it still feels the same as it did years ago. I take one more sniff of your scent. I start to cry. 

Videotape continues to play in my head. The melancholy nature of its melody overwhelms me with feelings of dreamlike bliss. I understand the song now. I understand what the dying man portrayed in the song feels. The song is a heartbreaking goodbye filled with regret. The song itself is a videotape. 

I sing the lyrics myself,

“This is my way of saying goodbye

Because I can't do it face to face

I'm talking to you after it's too late

No matter what happens now

You shouldn't be afraid

Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen”

Exhale.