A Small Prayer Spoken By A Sinner

To get what you want, you have to know exactly how much you are willing to give up.         

I have heard many times of the self sacrificing speeches of those around me. Lines saying how they would give their all, their everything up, for the one they love...however, I never understood why one would say such things for when the time comes, they hesitate and refuse to give up what they swore they would have before. Now they let go of it at a moment's notice. I have learned from all of this that human beings are very selfish and that they lie. I am no exception of that natural fact. However, I have come to understand that, to get what I want in life, I must know exactly how much I am willing to sacrifice in exchange for it. There is nothing free in this world. We live in a society with a give and take relationship established. That I understand. Humans...truly are incredible beings. There are no other creatures in this world that are as complex as them.

If someone says, “I understand how you feel.” or “I know everything about you.” One must come to understand that, those words are nothing but absolute utter lies. No one can ever truly understand another. Humans are so abstract, containing an uncountable number of emotions and personalities that, being able to define one trait of their characteristics is nothing but a lucky guess. That is why I chose not to trust the words of others easily or at all in fact. For humans are very foolish, greedy, and say things they do not mean in order to achieve what they want. But, that is how they survive. That is how we all survive. We will do anything to get what we desire...even if it means the inconceivable…

“Everything I did was for my own sake...I did nothing wrong, but at the same time, neither did I do anything right. Yes I know...this deed can never be forgiven and that is why I’ll carry this burden with me to my grave.” I said aloud to the silent audience that lay before me. An audience which can never hear the words I spoke or even come to understand the meaning and intent behind it. The reason for that is—what lay before me was nothing but lifeless bodies dropped one atop another and spread out in ways humans could not easily bend. Bodies tangled with one another and stained with a deep dark red. A red that smelled so acidic and strong that it stung my eyes and made me want to heave over and pour out everything that was inside of me. But I didn’t. I held it in, including my tears because I didn’t want to defile this place anymore than I already have done so. 

“...I’m sorry...I’m so sorry.” I said in a tiny whimper. I had to say something, I had to apologize even though I knew it was useless. I had to say something to the innocent lives I have taken. Lives that I had no right to steal in the first place. Maybe what I had just said was to put my mind at ease, but I wanted to think of it as a small prayer. A small prayer spoken by a sinner…

Suddenly I heard in the distance the cries made by the sirens of police cars. In my left ear I heard the static noise of my ear piece coming to life.

“...019...report on status...I repeat...agent 019...report on the mission.” The voice was hard and stern but for some reason I couldn’t respond immediately. After a couple of seconds, I put my hand to the ear piece and said, “This is 019...the mission...has been completed.” I didn’t bother to really hear the rest that was said through the comm. I knew that what was being said were instructions on how to leave the scene of the crime and the next assignment. But all I could hear in the background was the incoming sires that grew louder and louder and I knew the police were approaching closer and closer. I didn’t have much time left but still, I was unable to move from that spot. I was frozen in place, being held there by the bloody Hell that lay before me.

I turned my gaze towards the clock on the wall and saw the clock broken and the time stopping at 3:15. “...I guess that time works.” I said under my breath...then I started to walk straight through the bloody bodies that lay before me. Careful as to not step on any of them.

“It was the perfect time that marked the end...or rather should I say the beginning of the sin I have committed...the time that I have died...where I have killed myself over and over again.” I thought and came to a sudden stop. I was standing in the middle of the cathedral and looked above me and saw the mural of the heavenly sky, with angels flying around and humans draped in white cloth, reaching their hands towards the mythological figures. Surrounded by nature. A vast variety of flowers with animals from a time long since forgotten. I saw paradise and I knew, I would never be able to enter it and see it with my own eyes.

Suddenly I heard the entrance to the front doors burst open behind me.

“What the...what is this?!” I heard a young man yell.

“I need to leave.” I thought. “Or another life might be taken away by…”

“Stop right there! This is the police! Don’t move!” The young male police officer called out from behind me.

“Tch...I’m too late.”

“Don’t make any sudden movements! Raise your hands up slowly and turn around and face me!”

“...Please...leave and pretend that you didn’t see me and I might just spare you.”

“Sir, did you not hear me?! Raise your hands above your head where I can see them!”

“I’m...begging you.”

“This is your last warning! Turn around with your hands behind your…”

“And this was your last warning too…” I slowly turned a bit to the side and saw how shaken the young police officer was. Even his voice sounded so terrified.

“I…”

“Raise your Goddamn hands—”

“I’m sorry.”

“Bang!” 

The sound of a gunshot. The smell of gunpowder. The sickening sound of a body drops lifelessly to the cold marble floor. I raised my head towards the ceiling once more. The noise of static in my ears. The sound of wailing sirens. I tried to burn the image of paradise into my mind. Then I closed my eyes.

“When will this nightmare come to an end?”