From a distance

I loved him long before I laid eyes on him, even before my consciousness perceived his presence. My soul more than anything yearned for him but I feared he might not love me back.

If I could have my way I would have taken him into my arms and never let go, I would have hidden him from everyone else and treated him like the treasure I knew he was but I resigned myself to watching from a distance.

Every day I wrote him love letters, and hid them in the trees and in the flowers, in the butterflies he would see on his way to school and in the clouds he would lay down and watch from his backyard. I was so excited when we learnt how to ride bikes together, though he didn’t really notice me then. I blew him cool kisses in the wind each time he tripped and fell, it was the only way I could comfort him, I gave him warm smiles in the sun every time he went out to play, it was the only way I could celebrate with him.

Heaven only knows how high my joy was the day he said he wanted to be friends with me, all thanks to his mother introducing us to each other. I was determined to be the best friend I could ever be, I was determined to win his heart.

We walked to school together every morning, letting our imaginations run wild as we tried to make the long walks seem shorter. We both worked up the perfect plan for asking his high-school crush out, and watched it fly out the window the moment looked in our direction ( gosh she was really pretty.) We stayed up late together, working on his college essays, and celebrated together each time he passed, we wept into each other’s arms when his girlfriend broke up with him.

His pain was my pain and his joy was my joy, I was happy with this but…

I wanted more…

I wanted more of him and I was more than ready to give him all of me, would he ever see me as more than just a casual friend? Will I always just be someone he remembers when he needs something? Day after day I battled with these thoughts, as I watched him grow more and more distant, he no longer called me over to study with him, and we stopped staying up late working on essays. He started dating more and more girls, each relationship worse than the last. I wanted to tell him that what he was doing wouldn’t fill the void Christie left and that hurting himself wouldn’t make things better. I wanted so badly to fix his broken heart, I knew I could if he would just give me the chance…

We didn’t talk so often anymore, at times I really thought he’d forgotten about me, only for him to call and surprise surprise its only because he needed something. I was back to watching from a distance as he graduated with a first class, as he met the girl that stole his heart (not that I was jealous.) I started missing the former days, back when things were simpler and I had more of him.

I held his hand in the waiting room, trying to calm him down as his wife went into labor in the next room, and I stood by as relief, love and so many other emotions washed over him as he held his daughter in his arms. His friends and I all lent a hand when he moved into his new house. I would have loved to be the one to support and provide for him and his new family, but I knew he wouldn’t agree to that so instead I helped him find a job, it was worth it seeing him so happy.

I was there when the problems got worse, when the job wasn’t paying as well as it did before and the bills were getting too high. When the drinking started getting out of hand and the antidepressants just weren’t as effective anymore. His wife would call me almost every day in the middle of the night, bruises all over her cheeks. She had nowhere else to go, so I advised her to go back to her mom and dad, we agreed it would be best if I was left with him.

The nights got lonelier, I tried to comfort him but I knew deep down it wasn’t me he wanted. I wanted him to know how much his daughter needed him, how his wife still loved him, how if he didn’t try to fix things he might end up with so much regret, and how much I still loved him. I told him every night, but I guess his heart was just too broken.

Days turned to weeks and weeks to years, his wife found another man who makes her happy and his daughter who was too young never knew the difference, and no one would ever tell her. One by one he stopped talking to his friends, maybe they got bored of him or maybe he felt bad watching them be so happy and successful.

He blamed me for leading him to a bad job, for not supporting him enough, for causing his wife and daughter to go away. He said I wasn’t there for him when he really needed help, that my being with him was a curse because it only brought bad luck…

I knew it was the alcohol talking, that’s what I told myself and I would have believed it if only he didn’t mention my name with such disdain that it breaks my heart each time. Each and every day his hatred for me grew all the more, we didn’t talk anymore, but I still visited him. This is my foolishness and my folly, I still loved him with the entirety of my being…

I still talk with his ex-wife, her new husband treats her well, the daughter got two brothers and she grew up to be a smart young lady. His old friends are doing well too, everybody’s heading towards retirement soon, we often met up and reminisce about the old days, about their campus adventures and before we realize it his name has already popped up a few times, then we end up talking about how he could party all night but still make it to class on time the next day, how he could down bottle after bottle without the slightest sign of getting tipsy…we’d all start silently thinking how sad it is that his drinking finally caught up to him, and how sad it is that he had to go too soon…

I was with him as he lay on him bed, tightly grasping his hand as his breaths grew weaker, the doctors were trying hard but deep down we all knew… His hand went limp and he breathed his last. The ceremony didn’t take long, not a lot of people attended. His friends all brought a flower, in their eyes he was a good man and by their words they painted him as such. His daughter wondered why her mother wept at a stranger’s grave, it would only occur to her much later that she has that stranger’s eyes. All I could do was comfort them, deep down I almost wished they knew that something far more important was happening somewhere else…

There he stood, as perfect as the day I first saw him. We had all the time in the world, there was only me and him. As he stared at me I saw awe and reverence, realization and understanding, despair and so much regret written in his eyes. I slowly walked over to him and pulled him into my arms, heaven only knows how long I’ve dreamed of this moment. Eternity passed with us in each other’s arms and I was finally ready to begin that which I had been putting off.

“I’m sorry”

 I whispered as I broke free from the embrace, and walked back to my throne.

 One by one the records of the life he lived were opened and we went over every moment, all the achievements and the failures, all the good and all the bad. Every few moments I’d sneak a glance at him, I could feel his fear growing and it broke my heart to see him so afraid of me, I still loved him, but with that being said, I had to do what needed to be done.

 After what seemed like an eternity, a verdict was reached, I looked into his eyes, they were begging me not to do this, but in that moment I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be anymore, I was above all else a judge and I knew no partiality.

I closed my eyes as they took him away, it was only when his cries for mercy couldn’t be heard anymore that I finally broke down…