Happy Birthday to Me

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

by Diane L. Goodman

I am jolted awake by a squeeze. The squeezing has been happening for a few days, but it is getting harder and more frequent. It doesn’t hurt, but the walls of my little cell are closing in. As if it hadn’t been getting tighter and tighter in here already.

I stretch both legs and arms as far as I can. I can touch all the walls of my cell now. I remember when I had so much room in here that I could do jumps and rolls back and forth. Now there isn’t enough room to play like that.

I can still kick, though. I do that now. Kick, kick, kick.

I open my mouth and fluid rushes in. Then out. My chest rises and falls. I've been doing this more lately.

I bring a hand to my mouth and suck on it. This is something I just discovered. I was waving my hands around and one found its way into my mouth. Sometimes I get a finger in there.

I listen to the sounds. They are all around me. All the time.

Slosh, slosh. That’s me, swaying and squirming, awash in nice warm fluid.

Whoosh, whoosh. Thump, thump. Slow and steady. They lull me to sleep and wake me up.

But my favorite sound is not like the other sounds. It isn’t there all the time, relentless and unchanging. It is a soft murmuring that I hear frequently. It sounds like “um ma um ma.” I love this sound. I know that it’s just for me. Sometimes I kick in response. Then I feel gentle pressure and stroking.

More pressure. And another sound. This one is lower and sounds like “uh da uh da.”

I play a little game with them. I do some kicking. Um Ma presses on me – I know the special touch – and I hear the soft murmuring. Then I hear Duh Duh and a firmer pressure. I stop kicking. The pressure releases. I kick again. Firm pressure again. I stop kicking.

I find that I can do “mm mm mm” and “duh duh duh” with my mouth. They feel differently. I can do “mm mm mm” pretty easily. “Duh duh duh” is more difficult. I practice “mm mm mm” for Um Ma.

Another squeeze! And the thumping is faster than usual. I won’t be able to get back to sleep if this keeps up. I kick in protest.

I hear Um Ma. Then Duh Duh. Then Um Ma again.

Now I am upside down, a position that I do not like. I am being moved, jostled. My cell wall presses against my head.

Then a sudden vroom! I jump!

More movement. Humming. Gentle swaying. This is nice. I fall asleep.

Squeezing awakens me again. It is more frequent, more violent. I am afraid. It is so bright that the light permeates the walls of my cell. I have to close my eyes. What is happening?

I twist and turn. More squeezing. And now I am shaken during each squeeze.

Now pushing. Something is pushing me headfirst into the wall. Wait, no! There is an opening in the wall. It is so bright out there!

But the relentless squeezing and pushing continues. My head is forced through the opening. I panic. I don’t want to leave my cozy cell!

Then the rest of my body slithers out.

I am being held by a pair of large hands.

It’s bright. It’s cold. It’s loud.

Something is put into my mouth, sucking out fluid. Then the same thing is done to my nose. I don’t like this!

I open my mouth and let out a wail. I startle myself! Wow! I AM LOUD!

I cry some more, as loudly as I can. It feels good.

Then I am passed to someone else. Even though my eyes are closed, I know that it’s Um Ma. She envelopes me in her arms. “Michael,” she croons. “Welcome to the world, Michael. I’m your mama.”

Mama.

Oh, this is wonderful. I forget all about the indignity of being ejected from my little cell. This is so much better. I stop crying.

Something warm and soft is wrapped around me, and another soft thing placed on my head.

Then they take me away from Mama! I start crying again. My wails echo off the walls. I am laid on something hard and cold. I squirm and roll. I need to get back to Mama! But I am held gently and firmly in place.

“Eight pounds, two ounces.”

“Twenty-one inches.”

Then I am with Mama again. Don’t let go, Mama!

I mouth “mm mm mm.” She pulls me closer. I’m hungry. I root around and my mouth closes on something. A finger? I suck on it. Fluid fills my mouth. It tastes good! I suck some more.

Mama strokes my head. I fall asleep.

When I wake up again, I’m confused at first. I’m not in my little cell. I don’t hear whoosh, whoosh, thump, thump.

Then I remember. I was taken away. I was scared. I shake now, remembering my fear. But Mama was there, and then I wasn’t afraid anymore. Where is Mama?

I wave my arms and start crying. Pretty impressive for someone only eight pounds, two ounces.

Someone picks me up. It’s not Mama.

“Pretty good pair of lungs you got there, young Michael.”

It’s Duh Duh! I know that sound. I stop crying.

“Can you open your eyes for Daddy?”

Daddy.

He feels secure, but I want Mama. And here she is! She cuddles me.

I do open my eyes a bit and look around. I see a little shadow, standing alone, far away.

“Missy,” Mama calls. “Missy, come and meet your new brother.”

Missy.

The little shadow approaches. She stands next to me. She stares at me for a moment. I try to open my eyes more. Still too bright, but I can see her. Eyes, nose, mouth. Just like me.

Then the corners of her mouth turn up. She bends over and presses her lips to my forehead.

“Hi, Mikey,” she says. “Happy birthday!”

Mama. Daddy. Missy.

And I am Michael.

Happy birthday to me!