Addicted to Feeling Lost

You know when you're stuck in a cycle that never seems to end?

Yeah... after a while, it feels sort of intoxicating.  

You get used to living in a routine where you get your hopes up, plan up for the future, start daydreaming, get a burst of energy in the mornings, do your make-up, do research for your plans, apply for that new job, only to be told no and then you're back at square one. 

Back to your cozy little world. 

Sometimes, you might even dare to dream. Build up that start-up, become a writer, do the things you love, and such. You start to prepare. Plan up for the future, start daydreaming, get a burst of energy in the mornings, do your makeup... you get the drift. 

Then that dream shatters before your eyes. Too many closed doors, no money, no connections, no one has an interest in your dream, no one buys that product, no one supports you. 

“You should give up, it's not worth it.” 

“It's better having something secure than risk it all.” 

“You have a basis on nothing. How can you expect to grow?” 

“Do yourself a favor and don't do it. Bet on security than chase some wild dream.” 

You hear all of that and it discourages you. But eventually, when you start hearing it so often, you get used to it, even start to believe what's inside people's closed minds. Like an indoctrination, repeat it often enough while stating it's the truth that eventually, people believe it without question. 

You believe it without question. 

Eventually, someone comes along and supports you suddenly. You don't know this feeling. You feel weird. You don't like it. 

"Say, when are you writing that book? I'd love to read it!” 

“Do you need some help to move out? You can live with me until then, but certainly you will be one step out of your parents’ house!” 

Then you start feeling pressured into doing the things you wanted to do, but now you don't want to because you now feel it's all just an obligation to the people who support you. 

Hence the vicious cycle. 

You're grateful, you truly are, but all you hear is someone trying to fix your problems for you, even when you know that's not the case. You just don't want to get pushed into doing something you don't feel ready for. 

Then again, you never truly feel ready for anything. 

Because you are intoxicated by your comfort zone. You're intoxicated by the sense of false security. You're addicted to feeling lost. Because feeling lost means security, it means safety and it means staying within everything you ever known. You are not obligated to face the terrifying unknown future; just stay where you are, and you'll be fine. Yet, you know you're missing out on things like the possibility of enjoying your own place, your own success, your own freedom, your own financial security, and your own car. You miss opportunities because you're afraid. Afraid of change. You don't want to be rehabilitated from that addiction of feeling lost. 

Then you start to get desperate fighting an inner battle where all you can see is FAILURE written on your mirror reflection-- 

“HEY!” 

I snap out of my thoughts and turn to face my sister. “What?” 

She gives me this sad look. “You have potential, and you can achieve it, but... don't give up.” 

“... It's too hard anyways. Why not?” 

“Because giving up is easy.” 

She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. “You know, sometimes people just want to help you, they don't mean to try and fix your problems for you.” 

“Right...” I ignore her completely. 

Yeah, people say that. They say it a lot. Slowly, I get wrapped up in my thoughts again, spiraling down the rabbit hole she had just pulled me out of. 

It's like some doing drugs. It's hard to stay away from it even though you know it's bad for you. You get so accustomed to the feeling of the addiction running through your veins that you just can't stop. 

It's the same way with negative feelings. 

It's the same way with depression. 

You just don't know how to live without it anymore. At least in my case, I can't remember a time when I didn't have it. I don't want it. I want to get it out of my head, but at the same time, how can I? 

How can I when feeling lost is all I've ever known? 

“You need help. Please let us help you.” 

Sweaty hands, wide eyes, tear-stained cheeks, jumpy legs. Breathe in, breathe out. 

Sometimes I wonder, what's it all for? Is it worth it? All my effort and my sacrifices? A lot of the times it feels like it all goes down the drain, right next to a big pile of shit. 

“And what if I don't want your help?” 

She looks at me with that pitiful look I cannot stand. “We'll just be here for you when you need us, alright?” 

With that said, she stood up and left, leaving me alone with my overwhelming thoughts. I know it's not an ideal way of thinking but, I can't help it. I do want help. I really do, but simultaneously, I have this overwhelming fear of the future, traumatized by so many of my failures and bad decisions I just can't help but take comfort in feeling lost. It's familiar even though it's not cozy. 

You're stuck in that never-ending cycle of toxic comfort. 

Get your hopes up, plan up for the future, start daydreaming, get a burst of energy in the mornings, do your make-up, do research for your plans, apply for that new job, only to be told no, and then you're back at square one-- 

“Stop, stop, stop...” I whisper to myself. 

But how do I make it stop? How do I do that? Do I even want to? Is it alright for me to stop? But if I stop, won't just all my effort be for nothing? 

“Breathe, breathe, breathe...” I chant. 

I need to stop for a minute and rethink my thoughts. I must convince myself that it's alright to accept help and that it's ok to leave your comfort zone. 

“But maybe I'll stay here a little longer...” 

That's what I always say to myself. 

...then I go back to being addicted to feeling lost.