14 comments

Funny Crime Speculative

If I bring you breakfast whilst you’re in bed, a simple “thank you” would be sufficient. None of this “How did you get into my house?” bollocks. You didn’t even compliment me on the fluffy eggs nor the sizzled-to-perfection sausages. I had to drive three hours just to find the perfect smoky marinated sauces for the dish, you ungrateful bitch!

And yes, I know I screwed up a little on the mushrooms. They were burnt, and I guess I tend to be quite salt happy. But that doesn’t mean you are allowed to be ungrateful for my kind gesture. Oh, and it doesn’t mean you should call the police on me! That is certainly not a good enough thank you. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?

Thanks to your little phone call, I now must leave town for a little while. I will probably come back soon enough. No doubt I will be greeted with that awful little piece of paper which screams “restraining order”. I am so sick of those little fuckers. I’m collecting them like they are my gateway into Heaven. No matter where I go, I seem to get handed them. I think there are only a handful of states I’m legally allowed to reside in. Colorado, Texas, Arizona... Wait no, not Arizona. Not anymore. I’ll check the chart and get back to you on a definite list.

But I think it’s bullshit. You women are bullshit.

Every day, you lot moan about wanting a thoughtful guy. One that brings flowers without asking, does chores on his own will, that will do little tasks to show their love. But when I do it? No, it’s all “Who the fuck are you?”, “How did you get into my house?” and “I am calling the police!”. Sigh. Women are just so hard to understand.

And now I must change my appearance yet again to escape being noticed. No doubt you have posted my face all over social media, without my permission may I add, and there will be angry folks looking for me. So, I have done what any sane person would do: shaved all my hair off. I was aiming for the sexiness of Vin Diesel. It didn’t really go to plan. I now look like a sad egg. You have removed my happiness and I am now a sad egg.

“But it wasn’t real love!” You will probably protest.

And, sure, you’re right. It wasn’t real love in the movie theatre sense. With fireworks, dim lights, and nails scratching down backs. And to an extent, I guess you can’t count it as real love since you didn’t even know that I existed. But it was real to me, darling. Very real.

You are beautiful, and I am not just saying that I promise. I’m not going to lie, you’re not the prettiest girl I’ve fallen for, but you have potential to be in the top six. Maybe top five if you wore a little more makeup.

I fell for your cascading fiery hair and those dark, alluring eyes. You wear a lot of red to match those (what I am assuming would be) soft tendrils of hair. I’ve imagined they feel like feathers. Can you confirm this?

Celia, my love, you are like a danger sign. It enticed me straight away. Perhaps you would be the girl who adored my kind gestures! Who wouldn’t run away screaming! Who would take me into their loving arms and make my life complete.

But you didn’t. You, like all my other failed relationships, ran away screaming. I really truly thought it would be different with you. I expected more and you’ve let me down. Such a shame, such a waste of potential.

So now, I’m bald, sad and driving to find my new home. It’s quite difficult when you have to avoid certain towns and cities (thanks a lot, restraining orders). But I’ll manage.

I’ve removed those sticky contact lenses which coloured my eyes brown, and I’ve replaced them with green. And I have applied a little fake tan- you know, the dove moisturiser from Superdrug? I saw it on your bedside counter and immediately bought some myself. Good stuff.

My new identity is slowly forming.

I’ll replace my scraggly rags for some nicer clothes. Well, I can’t afford much right now after I lost that job. Apparently stalking the women in the workplace is “offensive” or something? Not quite sure. I think it’s pure bullshit. And I wasn’t even following her, I was following her friend. Hah! As if I would risk losing my job over that ugly slob!

I think I will go to California, start a new life there. Mum will be proud of me when I tell her my new lie: I got a raise Mum, I will tell her excitedly on the phone, California! Sales manager! They love me so much they’re doubling my salary.

I’m sure she will be so proud of her successful and ambitious son. Maybe she will ask that I come visit her- it has been quite a while since I visited her in Houston. I just have to wait six more months before I’m allowed back. Until then, Mumsy will just have to settle for my lies. I’m a busy man mum, I can’t just run back now that I’ve got such an important new job. They need me here!

The mountains now surround me, and there is a glistening lake to my left. I can smell the almost-bitter air as I speed up a little faster in my tiny little car. I will have to ditch this tin can soon, but I think I will get as far as I can, so I do not have to walk as much. Last time, my blisters had blisters!

I just hope my new neighbours and townsfolk will be welcoming and kind. I could really do with a friend right now; It is incredibly lonely having to pick up and move every couple of months. Even now, as I look at the satnav which reads eight hours left of my journey, I know it is not a promising idea. I will never be able to live happily until women learn to have some respect for a gentleman with kind gestures.

Sigh.

It’s going to be a long drive to happy. 

May 07, 2022 18:36

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14 comments

Erich Cliffe
15:05 May 19, 2022

I'm always a fan of the unreliable narrator who thinks he is right in his actions (very Humbert Humbert). I think it's interesting and I'd like to read more to see where his story takes him and if he ever sees the error of his ways. I liked: "I now look like a sad egg. You have removed my happiness and I am now a sad egg." I really, really didn't want to like the narrator, but this made me giggle.

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Holly Guy
18:13 May 19, 2022

Hello, thank you so much for commenting on my post! I really appreciate it, so thank you. And yes, I am in love with this style of narration! I'm a sucker for a twisted, alluring and unreliable character who is usually insane! Glad you liked that line, It made me laugh as I wrote it!!

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Jay Mc Kenzie
21:38 May 19, 2022

"I now look like a sad egg." Brilliant! He's obviously awful but it's coming from a 'good' place (kind of!) but he has zero understanding of social norms. I got a sort of Eleanor Oliphant vibe. Well done.

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Holly Guy
08:25 May 20, 2022

Hi, Jay! That line seems to be quite popular, it's great! Haha! Yes, you got that exactly right. I find manipulating the social norms within stories to see whether morality really stands, really interesting. As in, can we say that the narrator is a "good" person with all their "good" acts, but at the same time grant the victims their reasonable fear of him.. Thanks for the comment! :)

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Philipe Nicolini
23:27 May 17, 2022

Hey. Please praise yourself...many of your stories start with an action hook; awesome. This one is particularly lovely with the juxtaposition of "breakfast in bed" by a man who loves too much. I think he is probably misunderstood and would fight off a fellow serial rapist for her honor. She needs to be stalked by the best --he is in training. She is his teacher. They are probably bonded and mated by so much more than his 3 hour sausage. Oops. Sorry. I kinda like the story.

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Holly Guy
12:07 May 18, 2022

Hi Philipe, Thank you for taking the time to comment on this story, it means a lot. I'm really glad you liked this story and I love your analysis of the main character. I find it interesting that you see the potential good in him and that perhaps they have a bond. Thank you again for the commment!

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Philipe Nicolini
23:17 May 17, 2022

Clapping. I don't like the cussing. This why Hannibal Lector is such a great character; he's classy. -love the pacing -voice is pretty decent...but what would happen if he was more artful than fuck/shit/etc.etc. He's bald and I would hope that the Texan would be old enough to be slapped my his mamma for such words. He dresses his trophy. Bravo. He takes his victim as a fashion influencer. Lovely. I wish you twisted the ending. Character motivation: one dimensional male that is socially absurd....a million warnings... Have him die by ...

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Holly Guy
12:10 May 18, 2022

Hi Philipe, thank you again for another lovely comment. I really do appreciate the compliments and constructive criticism. I appreciate that you do not approve of the cussing, and to an extent, I agree that perhaps it could have been re-written with alternative words. But I really do think that words like "fuck" have an impact not many other words do. It's so powerful, just like my twisted character. Thank you again for leaving constructive criticism, I will take this into consideration in future stories.

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Susan Sidell
22:26 May 17, 2022

What a fun read! The part about collect restraining orders made me literally laugh out loud!

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Holly Guy
12:11 May 18, 2022

Hi Susan, so glad you enjoyed it! I really do love writing twisted and damaged characters who have a little comedic flare about them. It's a theme which runs throughout my work, so I'm very happy that you like it!

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L. Maddison
16:37 May 17, 2022

Sinister and funny… the bitterness of being a ‘sad egg’ is brilliant. This guy, creepy and damaged as he is, just talks right out of the page. I adore your take on this prompt.

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Holly Guy
12:15 May 18, 2022

Hello! Thank you very much for this lovely comment. Twisted humour is my thing! I'm very glad it has been well received and enjoyed.

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Thom Brodkin
14:13 May 14, 2022

I’ve often said true love is when the person you stalk stalks you. Poor guy hasn’t found it yet. Are you the person who wrote the book You? 😀 Seriously though, great use of first person and I love Holly Guy funny. It’s a genre unto itself. Are you from across the pond? You use mum throughout the story even though it’s set in the states. It’s just a small thing but for consistency you might want to use mom. All in all, though, another Holly Guy classic. You’re recommended once again.

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Holly Guy
16:07 May 14, 2022

Haha, thank you so much, Thom! Yet another lovely comment.. I'm from England and I'm sure it comes through in my writing! Thank you for pointing out my dialect miscommunication, it didn't even cross my mind whilst writing! I will remember this for next time :) My recent story 'Death's new Pet' also includes much humour so I think you might like that one too ! Again, thank you for taking the time to leave such a lovely message- it's really appreciated.

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