Here

ASHLEY

Shadows danced on the table around my hands as the yellow car light glow shone through the gaps between the vinyl window stickers. Waitresses wiped crumbs off the counter tops and packed away leftover pastries as the day merged into night. I basked in the calm glow of the café, soaking up the atmosphere. My sanctuary, my home.

Would I miss it? How could I not? This angelic town where bad things did not happen. I’d built a name for myself here, my medals a springboard into a mountain of opportunity. But would I miss it enough it to return? Not many people did return once they left, this was a steppingstone town, forever changing yet holding history, our history. Of course, we would return.

“Hi, are you ready to order now or are you still waiting for someone?” the waitress said smiling. Her eyes were blank, emotionless, I could tell she just wanted to her shift to end. It was the same feeling I had experienced many a time when working here.

“No no, I’m waiting for my friends, they should be here soon. Thank you though!” I replied overly excited. She shrugged and walked away, not hesitating to ask me if I’d like any drinks as was customary. I didn’t blame her.

My excitement borders onto delirium as the days to leave draw nearer and near. I thought it was a nice idea, gathering everyone for one last meal, one last laugh, one last memory before going our separate ways. Of course, we’ll keep in contact, update each other on important life developments, road trip to each other, but my heart sighs knowing it won’t be the same. The four of us in the four corners of the earth.

I jump every time the café doorbell rings but it is never any of them. I’ve stopped looking now. My knee shakes the table as it bounces making my excitement tangible. They’ll arrive soon. I busied myself folding and refolding my napkin, tightening my ponytail, anything to dissipate the thrill in my veins, to stop planning out the flow of the evening in my head.

“Sorry”.

My cheeks flush, I raise my head turning around to identify the voice I grew up with. I see him, his hair messy from the wind outside. He looks puzzled, probably looking for us, for me. I wave at him, beckoning to the table. I watch as he walks over, the excitement inside me extinguished as I’m suddenly, strangely sad to be leaving here.

BLAKE

Pushing the door of the café open I feel its warmth envelope me. The familiar smell of brownies and tarts brings a smile to my lips. This may be the last time I come here. I look around fondly at the place, so many memories, celebrations; my first match, my first date – in fact most of my dates, my friends. I look over and see Ashley sitting alone at the table, the same spot, same booth we all met. It was fate that brought us together and now it is fate that pulls us apart. I’d have thought Freddie and Laila would have been here by now, I’m usually the late one.

I’ll miss them Ashley, Freddie and Laila. It’s no secret how odd our group is; the athlete, the academic, the artist and the entrepreneur, all from different backgrounds yet somehow, we all complement each other perfectly. The perfect friends for the perfect boy. That’s what everyone in this town thinks of me: perfect boy, perfect grades, perfect home. A perfect life as though it was a picture I’d painted. If my life was a painting it would be an abstract in different shades of red for the screaming, shouting, the bruises, bleeding. There would be a small dot of yellow in the corner, symbolising my escape and them. If it wasn’t for my friends, I would no longer be in this world, from either my own doing or his.

Someone pushes past me, giving me a nudge back to the present.

“Sorry” I mumble, still confused.

Strange how somethings resurface at the happiest of times, as if we are our own worst enemies quenching our own happiness. My commotion seems to have caught Ashley’s attention; I see her frantically waving at me, like I wouldn’t have seen her strawberry blonde ponytail from the short distance. This is a small town and few people have strawberry blonde hair. Seeing her makes me feel calm, the hollowness in my stomach is gone and my throat is no longer caught in my chest. As I walk over to her my thoughts clear, I’m grateful to be leaving this town, to be out of here.

FREDDIE

Easing the brake, my car slows to a stop in the parking lot of the café. I arrive alone. I had offered Laila a lift, but I knew she wouldn’t have accepted, she has been somewhat distant lately, her eyes, glazed darker, like a light has dimmed. I’ve been meaning to ask her what’s wrong for some time now but can’t get her alone. Ashley is constantly sewn to her side, as if they are each other’s oxygen. It doesn’t seem the type of thing I should drop a text about.

Slowly, I reached behind to the passenger seat grabbing my green wool jacket. I knew it had gotten colder outside since I left. The car park was behind the café so I couldn’t see inside to know if she was if she was here. I was a little late and had got worried texts from Blake wondering if I was ok. I imagine they were all sitting there, Blake with paint still on his arms aloof and outnumbered as Ashley whispered to Laila. Laila’s lips slowly upturning at Ashley’s words. I smiled to myself. This was it. The last time we would all be together before the three of them left.

A sadness washed over me, I am happy everyone is carving their futures, fulfilling their dreams but there’s a fear inside me, a fear that their successes mean I am a failure. Seeing them stepping into the opportunities pooling at their feet felt like a knife in my ambitions. I knew this emotion and I knew it well, jealousy. What I could have been if it weren’t for my situation, the people relying on me, my burden. People say how honourable is it that I’m looking after my family, but I don’t feel proud. I feel suffocated, choked and robbed.

I try to push the intrusive thoughts aside. I am no less than the others, I have my own goals, my own responsibilities, I tell myself, trying desperately to soothe my insecurities. Today is meant to be a day of happiness, friendship, love. I don’t want to taint my memories; I want to remember us all happy. I unlock the car door and step out onto the gravel, closing it as I put my arms through my jacket. This café was the heart of the town, everyone came here, it was a place for togetherness. Walking round to the front I notice my surroundings, people were leaving; families who’d finished their evening meal, friends talking about there plans for the weekend, how much homework they had to complete. In my periphery, a girl, presumably a waitress whose shift ended, walked into the distance. Her thick black hair dancing around her in the wind. Laila? She dressed like Laila, black leggings and a denim jacket. Laila. God how much I’ll miss her. As I walk to the cafe door pulling it open, I am afraid, afraid of how everyone is moving on without me and how I would be left alone, here.

LAILA

My feet twist and tilt as my canvas shoes dig up the uneven gravel beneath, the soil painting a goodbye onto the cream cloth. Arms folded across my chest as a barrier to the cold I sink my chin close to my chest. I trudge forwards with my jean jacket collar drawn up around me, shielding me from the lashes of the wind. My leather bag bounced against the suede of my black leggings with every step I took. My hair loose and unruly, throwing a tantrum in retaliation to the angry wind. I already have a painful headache just from knowing this will be an ordeal of a night.

I can see the light of the café in the distance, a warm orange ray against the purple sky and grey trees. To anyone else it would seem scenic, pretty even, but I no longer see beauty in the world. My legs slow, I do not want to be there and I do not want to be going there, but I have no choice. It would be more effort, more explanations needed as to why I didn’t want to go. So, I’m going in the hope that as usual Ashley would be too commandeering to allow the attention to fall on me, Blake to dumb and Freddie too absorbed in her to understand something was wrong. My façade hasn’t slipped; they’ve believed I’ve been fine for this long now, another hour or two won’t be difficult.

I was almost there, close enough to hear the bustle of noise coming from within. Everyone is buzzing with the excitement of leaving, I know it, there’s the feeling of electricity radiating from them whenever we are together. I am eager to leave here too but not for the same reasons. I’m not excited for the future, for new opportunities.

I am running.

Running as far and as fast as I can. Running from the past, hiding from the what happened to me. Fleeing a town where everything haunts me, leaving behind only my ruins.

I can’t live here anymore.

I need to start fresh, forget what happened here, happened to me, build a new identity. I know I will never return here, no matter how much Ashley organises, or Blake pleads or however much hurt I can imagine in Freddie’s eyes. The past must stay hidden and I must go.

I start to feel overwhelmed as I draw nearer, I can see their faces in the booth by the window, Ashley’s and Blake laughing. Where’s Freddie? My thoughts questions but I’ve already made up my mind.

I don’t want to be here; I can’t be here.

Swiftly, with intent I turn on my heels and march back in the direction I came in, at least I saw them one last time I think as the distance between me and the café grows. Seeing them, happy, smiling, confirmed what I had been feeling for weeks now, there is nothing left for me here.