A Journey of Self-Discovery

People define bravery in different ways. Some see it as standing up for someone that cannot stand up for themselves, others see it as simply getting out of bed for the day.

How do I define bravery? For me, I see it as stepping outside my comfort zone. Let me share my story with you.

My name is Marie. I won’t dive too much into my past and my childhood, but lets just say it wasn’t the greatest. I had to learn to fend for myself at an early age, look after my own needs, as well as my siblings.  Even though we experienced a lot of trauma, I was still very shy and quiet, the awkward kid. I didn’t want to be noticed, to be seen, I wanted to blend into the background for the rest of my life.

I grew up, got a job, met someone and we were inseparable for years. Even after I discovered I wasn’t happy, I still stuck around. Never thinking I was good enough, I would constantly seek validation from anyone who would look my way. I never cheated on my partner, but again, define cheating. Lots of people see it in different ways. I guess in a way, I did cheat emotionally on him a few times.

I met Michael when I was 17 and we were together for 13 years. He is an amazing person, but as I grew, I felt he wasn’t growing with me. I desperately tried to keep the relationship together and happy, but I had my own traumas that I hadn’t faced yet. I didn’t believe I had any.

Until I met him, a friend through a friend. She was dating him, she wanted me to meet him because she trusted my judgement.

We met him at a pub, and from the moment he sat next to me, my whole life changed. My soul recognised him, everything got turned upside down. My life for the next year was about to become the most chaotic its been.

My friend, Serene, she met him through work, his name was Matthew. He was proactive, sweet, thoughtful, funny and seemed to have his head screwed on pretty well.

Things between started off fairly well, until he started to get to much for her. She had started to ask me to talk to him for her, she was under the impression he listened to me.

Being who I was, I obliged because I would do anything for her. I started to talk to him, and he soon found out that I was very unhappy with my life. He was a certified life coach and started to help me with techniques I could use to “break the glass ceiling”, as he put it.

There was something about him that made me feel alive. We started to become very good friends, talking almost every day while his relationship with Serene fell apart. I helped them both through it, I became the mediator between them. Some days were good, other days were bad. I invested so much of my time and energy into their relationship that mine started to suffer.

The day came that Serene was due to move out of her ex boyfriend’s house. She had finally found a place to move out to. Myself and a couple of friends, as well as Matthew, were meant to help her move her stuff. Two days before move day, I had a mental breakdown, wanting desperately to not be alive. Even though I was going through a rough time, I still showed up on the day to help them move.

Matthew had gotten wind of what had happened and waited for everyone to be out of site to confront me about it, embracing me in a massive hug and asking why I hadn’t contacted him. As close as we were, I didn’t think we were that close, he was my friend’s boyfriend after all. I thought it was odd, but it was nice to have someone care like that, I promised him I would contact him if it ever happened again.

Things between Matthew and Serene started to deteriorate very quickly and they both became heavily reliant on me being the one to deliver messages. I started to see Serene for what she was, and started to distance myself from her, while Matthew and I became the best of friends.

Then it happened. Serene and Matthew broke up, I stopped talking to them both for a couple of months and tried to concentrate on my relationship with Michael.

I reached out to Matthew after a couple of months and wished him good luck with something he was going through. I wasn’t expecting a response, but he replied and we started talking again.

Michael didn’t want me talking to Matthew at all and saw him as a threat. It created a lot of turmoil in my relationship with Michael and with my family.

I was the care giver, the door mat, the one they ran to with all their problems. My whole life was spent like this, and I’d always felt like a caged bird, never being able to do what I wanted in fear of being rejected by everyone around me. If I wasn’t useful to them, I was nothing.

And then it happened, it finally happened. Id had enough, I left Michael. My family turned against me and the only one that was there for me was Matthew. I started to go over his house, and spend time with him. He lived far away, so I started to stay there over the weekends.

There were periods where he would stop talking to me, he ghosted me for whatever reason. But I persisted, I would message him until he spoke to me. We would work through things.

There were never any romantic feelings for each other, but we relied on each other heavily.

Things eventually progressed between us, we never dated, but it was definitely more than a friendship.

He ghosted me 3 days before my birthday and took 3 months for him to finally answer my messages, telling me that he didn’t need or want anyone in his life that he wanted to concentrate on himself and his kids. That was the last I’d heard from him.

I miss Matthew, every single day. Its almost been 6 months since he told me he didn’t want anything to do with me. You know what the hardest part of all of this was? It triggered a spiritual awakening and I had to seriously step out of my comfort zone and work through things I never in my life imagined that I would have to deal with. The other hard part of all of this? I soon learned that Matthew was actually my twin flame. Its why my soul recognised his. If you are someone who doesn’t know what a twin flame is, or someone who romanticises it, I beg you to go and do some research, I wouldn’t wish this journey upon anyone.

He is on my mind every single day, I can feel his energy all the time. I will never be rid of this, no matter how hard I try. I hope that he is healing, the way I am. I pray that he will find someone who will love him in a way that he needs. I gave my soul to that man. I don’t think I will ever get the answers I wanted, I will never understand or know fully why he chose to leave. My heart hurts for what we could have been.

There is so much more to this story, but I think that’s enough for today.

Being brave, to me was stepping outside my comfort zone and embarking on a journey of self-discovery and healing. I will forever be grateful for having met Matthew, for having my life be turned upside down and wrecked from the inside out. If it weren’t for him, I would still be on the same merry-go-round.