Lost In A Maze

"Please don't do this to me," Rosy let out a muffled scream. Her vocal cord didn't let her vent her angst. She felt like she was trapped in a box underneath the water. Shallow, fast breaths escaped her being. She felt a tight knot in her chest, and she twitched. Her face turned blue as she experienced labored breathing. Her legs felt weak. "Happy anniversary," the shrieks from the neighboring house shook her world. She trembled and sweat beads danced on her brow. The air conditioner wasn't of much help. The wall separating the houses was thin like a tissue paper letting the conversations drift through it. The music that played in the background got under her skin. It triggered her frayed nerves, and she covered her ears with a pillow. She drew her knees closer to her chest and buried her head in it. Her stomach churned. The tear glands were on a strike, and she felt a burning sensation on her kohl-stained cheeks. 

The myriad emotions bottled within her made the juices in her gut go wayward. Holding onto the bedpost, she tried to stand up. Patterns of different colors danced before her. Tumbling across the table and tripping here and there she made her way to the bathroom. A gushing sound similar to a waterfall echoed in the washroom. The vomitus dripped down her chin. She splashed the ice-cold water on her face and stared at the reflection. Her eyes were lost amid the dark circles. The crowfeet at the corner of her eyes stared at her. The smile lines and receding hair line were prominent. What has she become? She was just in her mid-thirties. But her reflection suggested something different. 

She walked out of the washroom and opened the cabinet. Down went a glass of wine. One glass followed the other, till she lost the count of it. She felt like she was trapped in a maze. The more she tried to get out of it, she found herself stuck in the same place again and again. "Please don't do this to me," her words stuttered. A young, confident and alluring woman had transformed into a woman engulfed stuck in the maelstrom of apathy. She was slipping down the rabbit hole and the light at the end of the tunnel was bleak. Life slipped from her fingers like sand. Scenes from the past gushed before her. She landed on her knees and palms and crawled her way to the cupboard. A minute later, clothes were strewn all over the floor. In the corner lay a bottle. She reached for it and tried to open it. The bottle slipped from her hand and fell to the floor. She picked up two pills that were stuck in the carpet and shoved them down her throat.

Fluffy clouds caressed her cheeks, and a soft breeze made her tresses sway. The imagination of her tour in the sky came to an end when she fell with a thud. She lay on the floor staring at the mosquito flapping its wings and reminisced her days of yore. She was fifteen, when she had the first traumatic experience. One night, as she indulged in a book, she heard some voices. The muffled voices had become louder. She couldn't make sense of what was happening. She carefully tiptoed out of her room and made her way to her parent's room. The door was left ajar, and she saw that her parents were engaged in a war of words. After a heated exchange, her father pushed her mother away and walked out of the room, banging the door behind him. It was followed by similar incidents. Before she knew, her parents filed for a divorce. A custody battle ensued. They hurled ugly accusations at each other. Each one tried to prove that the other was unfit to be a parent.

"Please don't do this to me," she had pleaded, and tears cascaded down her cheeks. "Please drop the suit. I need you both to be together. We are a family, remember," her pleas went to deaf ears. The hallway was a witness to her angst. Her mother had won the battle. Though the court had permitted her father to meet her once every fortnight, her mother made sure that it didn't happen. Rosy missed her father. Her grades fell. Her mother married a man of her choice and left Rosy uncared and unattended. She couldn't stand her stepfather and moved to her grandmother's place. 

Her grandmother tried to shower her with love and warmth. But it was too late. She had already made her choices. Some really bad ones. She got into bad company and spent day after day meandering through the dark alleys narcotizing herself. What she thought as the gateway to heaven was a free pass to hell. Her grandmother had sent her to rehab. She came out, a changed person. She took up a job. A small time one. She was doing well for herself when she met Edward. He was Mr. Perfect, or she assumed that he was. He was everything she wanted to be. After a few casual dates, they moved in together. For the first time in life, she was happy. She had everything she wanted. A home to call her own, an amazing partner and a beautiful life that others could only wish for. 

A year passed. Edward was in the shower when his phone chimed. Rosy ignored it but the continuously blinking screen made her grab it. "Honey, my heart beats for you. I miss you." read the message. It felt like somebody had pulled the rug from beneath her. Edward was cheating on her. For don't know how long. Tears clouded her eyes and anger clouded her mind. She confronted Edward and the next thing she knew was that she was on the street. Her home, her man and her life everything seemed to be a lie. She was back to square one. She was back to her grandmother's house. It wasn't long before she laid her hands on alcohol and other substances. 

A few months later, she found herself in the rehab. No matter how hard she tried, she ended up in the same place again and again. After spending more than six months, she left the rehab. Picking up the bits and pieces she tried to start over again, but it wasn't easy. The words like "I love you" or "Happy anniversary" or a couple indulging in PDA irked her. They became a triggering factor and she had panic attacks. A bad day, panic attack, alcohol, a pill and a night's sleep, the incidents happened on a repeat mode. She was stuck in a dingy maze. She considered seeking help more than once, but she had quit even before she tried. 

Sunrays streamed through the curtain and fell on her face. She glowed under the radiance of the sun. The previous night seemed hazy and like a dream. Her body ached and her head was bruised. She poured herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table. Her neighbors who had according to her caused the previous night's turmoil were out for a walk. They were holding hands and were full of love for each other. Rosy's soul ached. Her heart stirred and she was feeling dizzy. "You deserve to be happy," she heard a voice from within. She wasn't going back. Not to that hell hole. She decided to seek help. She dialed a number and said, "I need help." 

An hour later, she drove to the office was found herself in the waiting area. A receptionist guided her to the doctor's office. Rosy greeted the doctor and said, 'I need my life back and I need your help." The doctor smiled and the session began. She has taken the first step. A baby step. She would soon find her in a better place. A happy and peaceful one. Until then she will hold on. She will not give up on herself not this time.