A night in Berlin.

Her long brown hair was tucked under the pillow her head was resting on. It was five am and the sunrise shone its cold light over her small, frail body wrapped in a flowery silk gown. Her pale skin contrasting with the royal blue coloured bedsheets worried Claudia. She knew her daughter was no longer 10, yet she looked just as fragile. 

It had been a rollercoaster of a year. After waving Isabel goodbye at the Berlin airport in August 2017, she had suddenly felt a wave of freedom engulfing her - in the best of ways. She finally had the apartment to herself which meant that she could walk around naked if she wished to do so, and never had to worry wether Isabel would be home for dinner or not. The apartment was hers, all of it. 

All three children she had given birth to, had left to follow their calling. She just needed to find hers and with time passing by, she knew it was of the highest importance. After a month of trying out new hobbies; pottery, painting and knitting, she realised that to find something bigger and of greater impact, she had to change. It was her 60^th birthday in a few weeks, and the ideal excuse for her to, by then, have a new life purpose. She gathered her favourite biographies, flipped through them while annotating every page mentioning a peculiar emotion, she had not yet experienced. Listening to Bossa Nova songs, drinking whisky and imagining a new dimension through fantastic books, she let herself dream about a different life. 

After what felt like days of research, Claudia packed a backpack with more books, toiletries and a personal journal, as well as a small suitcase with carefully handpicked outfits and a pair of sexy kitten heels. If most celebrities had become what they were thanks to a specific a-ha moment, a sudden enlightenment of sorts, she would go hunt it down in the places she had longed for all her life.

Rio de Janeiro was on top of her list. Last time she had visited the city, Brazil wasn’t as dangerous, it was an oasis for love, jazz music and fashion. She had just graduated with a law degree and before being stuck in Berlin, her country of adoption, she had decided to jump on a plane to meet an ex-lover, still somewhat in love with her. Bruno had welcomed her at the airport with flowers and a full smile, his eyes gleamed when she hugged him. The warmth of his embrace and the softness of his hand when he grabbed hers were marked in her heart forever. Claudia wanted to feel this way again. That exact sentiment of freedom and love intertwined in a storm of fuzzy happy emotions. 

Berlin-Tegel’s Airport was huge but nice, offering a lot of sunlight and places to hang out at, to observe travellers moving from one terminal to the next peacefully. Claudia brought her luggage along and sat in one of the Starbucks in the departure hall to relax, and text her children. She hadn’t yet announced her quest for a better retired life. If she had another 20 years to live, she wanted to make sure it would be the best decades of her life, at least the most interesting. Typing with a certain fearlessness, excited about the journey ahead, she explained all of it; from dropping off Isabel at the airport to trying out new hobbies, reading biographies and finally, that enlightened moment - the hour she realised that to find that very purpose she needed to go find inspiration somewhere else. 

After reading the short story she wrote, she pushed send and laid her mobile phone on the coffee table. She found herself catching a breath as the texting had forbid her to do so… all those emotions, she took another sip of her green tea and headed towards the tall dashboard hanging on the wall. No terminal number yet, worried she had missed it, she rushed towards the lady seating at the information desk. 

“Hello there, could you please point me to my flight nbr X4Z5 to Rio ?” Claudia leaned her elbow on the table, taking another deep breath. 

The woman seemed confused, “Sure, I’ll look into it right now” she was staring at her monitor clicking away furiously. Claudia, growing impatient, straightened herself up and asked “so?”. 

“Well Mrs ….? “ “Mrs. Fedrina”, “Well Mrs Fedrina it looks like your plane has been postponed to this evening”. “Oh no… and so what do you suggest I do now?” “Well, the airport isn’t responsible for the delay, I recommend that you go to the airline desk and talk to them, or check out and wait in a hotel near the airport” her confident smile convinced Claudia. 

She thanked her and dragged the suitcase towards the exit. “At least it isn’t cancelled, it’s just a matter of hours” she mumbled. 

Isabel was reading her mom’s text as she got out of her plane on German ground. A light feigned gasp came out. Here she was, about to surprise her… Nothing ever good came out of stupid surprises, she thought. After picking up her checked-in baggage, she headed towards the waiting hall. She paused her walk to think about her next move. She definitely wasn’t ready to knock on her older sister’s door, nor get into town and book a hotel room for the night to leave the next day, but without a key to her mom’s flat, she had no choice. She rolled her heavy luggage filled with treasures to the nearest hotel and checked in for a night. Depleted by the prospect of staying in another hotel for another night, she only shrugged her shoulders when the receptionist offered her complimentary champagne.. Why would her mother do such a thing at soon 60, it made no sense. She didn’t get any of it… she tried to text back in a manner that would make her usually conservative mother think twice, but she was too worked up to do so. The champagne slowly got to her head and as she was on her way to the bedroom, she noticed a Burberry trench-coat hanging by the bathrooms’ door. She dropped her luggage on the tiled floor, and searched for her mom. That old Burberry trench coat had to be hers. Aware of her sudden luck, she called her mother’s name out a few times. No answer. She ran and grabbed the coat to smell it. She’d recognise her mother’s perfume out of a thousand. It wasn’t hers - the cinnamon, butter and whisky scent was missing. Defeated she walked back to the reception and asked for another complimentary glass of champagne to smother her pain. 

She seemed so melancholic that I had no envy to spare her from another glass of cava. The hotel had that stupid rule that only one glass should be offered, and the rest should be paid for - but I just couldn’t do that to her. Her almond shaped brown eyes were red and her skin was closer to transluscent than pale. Her long brown hair were curly and all over the place. She must had just woken up from a very long flight. Disoriented, heart broken and tired. Of course, I’d be kind. 

Her erratic behaviour when seeing the trench-coat hanging by the ladies’ bathroom surprised me though. Where had all that hasty energy come from? I was pretty sure that by then she had been dumped by some lover who had promised her the world. Wasn’t it always the same story though? Beautiful women entangled in some complicated relationship where men ruled their world no matter how smart they were. I felt for her. She wasn’t much older than me, but her eyes could tell a lot more than her words and so, when she gave me her last name I knew I’d remember it forever- Isabel Fedrina. What a name. 

After handing her that second glass, staring into her eyes and wanting to help her figure out life, I retrenched in the back office. She wasn’t going to hang out after finding out that that trench coat didn’t belong to the person she was obviously searching for. So I refrained from adding to my casual “yes of course” and rested until I was needed again. 

Airport hotel life was weird, people fleeted around with their raw emotions. It was rare to see them twice after helping them check in, so they didn’t care much about showing their true selves. 

Later that day another woman checked-in. She was ravishing. Short hair framing her high, delicately defined cheekbones and glittering small curious dark eyes. She reminded me of Isabel in a way that I couldn’t tell. Without sharing her details, she started a long monologue about how she had decided that life was too short to be taken for granted, that travelling was the only hobby that made sense if one wanted to grow, to become someone that mattered. She told me about her daughters, her small flat in Schönefeld and how excited she was to return to Brazil where she’d met an ex-lover 35 years ago.

When eventually she heard the first long sighs building behind her back in what was soon becoming a queue, she muttered: “Sorry darling, I realise I haven’t been able to tell anyone about my latest plans and you’re now on the receiving end, I shouldn’t have hijacked your precious time this way” even her high pitched laugh had a certain quality to it. I nodded, smiled and asked for her passport a second time. She slid it on the counter and when I opened it, I blinked twice. “wahhh I see!” She was the one Isabel had been looking for: Claudia Fedrina. 

Claudia could tell I was utterly confused. After a minute of mumbling, fumbling around with her documents, I said: “I believe your family is here. Ms. Isabel?” 

Claudia whispered in the young receptionist’s ear despite the rummaging from the crowd waiting to check in. She knew if she met Isabel she would have to tell her a lot more than what she was ready to share. Her only option was to flee and find another hotel. Yet it was getting late and the idea of sleeping in some dorm in a cheaper motel wasn’t welcoming. She took her key and rushed upstairs. 

This was becoming awkward. Two women from the same family in the same hotel, one happy the other sad. My head was twirling with melodramatic thoughts. Did either of them need help, should I follow Claudia and make sure she doesn’t harm her daughter, would she? 

Isabel looked heartbroken when the coat didn’t belong to the person she wished owned it. I tried for a while to picture myself in her shoes, as a young man attracted to her, in fact both of them, despite the age difference, I tried to understand. I promised myself to run upstairs would anything feel off… my shift was about to end, it was midnight and I never met either of them again, so I left. 

Claudia was seating against Isabel’s door, wondering if she should knock once again, or leave her alone. Surely she would want some kind of explanation… She had slipped a napkin under the door asking her daughter to meet for dinner but she never showed. It also never occurred to her that Isabel may have been in Berlin for another reason than to see her. What was she hiding? 

A thirty-something woman would have secrets and that would be normal, but a soon sixty year old lady wasn’t expected to have any secrets anymore, or was she? How would she ever be able to explain the furtive kisses, the short embraces, the early morning walks and now, that trip to sunny Brazil? What other lie would she be able to fabricate when facing her daughter’s sulking look? 

She drew circles with her index on the carpet in the hallway, going over it again and again, until her finger went numb. “It’s my life, Isabel has her own. I have to catch those last sun rays in Brazil with Bruno. It’s been too long”…. She picked herself up and trotted towards her bedroom. Lighthearted, feeling in control of her life - again.