The Day the Light Died

(Trigger Warning: This stories contains suicide.)

If you could go back in time to one moment, what would it be? It’s such a simple question. Most people say something silly, cause you know it would never happen. For me, it would be May 17th, 2011. 

You see a lot happened the days leading up to May 17th. We were in highschool, Bryan and I. We were friends. Good friends. He was a strong person, and he never let his feelings show. See if I had been a better friend, I wouldn’t be in this situation. It was the last week of school when everything went downhill. I had noticed a slight change in him over the past month. He was always so happy, but that last month of school his smile only dimmed. He never told me anything, and I never asked.

Tuesday afternoon, I walked past his car and heard him crying. I stood and listened to him and it felt wrong. He was so tough and I knew he would only be embarrassed if I said anything. Eavesdropping was wrong so I left. I figured he’d talk about it when he was ready to. 

Later that night I was finishing my final project listening to music. I was still thinking about Bryan and decided to give him a call. He answered after a few rings, but his voice was distant. 

“Hey fool, what are you doing?” I asked jokingly, trying to lighten his mood.

“Nothing. I’m just thinking.” He replied. He didn’t even attempt to reply with a comeback. 

“Well I hope you’re thinking about your project. It’s due tomorrow and it's worth half of your grade.” I said. I know he had mentioned he wasn’t even half finished.

“Is it really due tomorrow? I haven’t finished it yet.” He said, his voice indifferent. He didn’t mention anything crying earlier, so I knew he didn’t catch me eavesdropping.

“I could come over and help you. When we finish, we could watch a movie. I’’l even let you pick it.” I hoped that would make him happier but he still sounded quiet. 

“No, I'm actually tired. I’m not feeling too good. I’ll do it later. I probably won’t even go to school tomorrow.” He said softly.

“Are you alright?” I asked nervously.

“Yeah, I think I got the flu or something.” He said.

“Well if you need anything, I’m here. I’ll bring you whatever you need.” I replied. He sounded off. He definitely sounded like he could be sick.

“Yeah, I know. Look, I have to go.” He mumbled. I sighed.

“Alright. Text me if you need anything. See you Thursday.” I said. 

“Sarah.” He said as I was about to hang up.

“Yeah?” I asked. I heard him sigh.

“You’re my best friend, you know that right?” He asked. I couldn’t be sure, but I thought I heard him crying softly. He tried to cover it up with a cough.

“Of course I know it. And you know I feel the same way about you.” I said. We said goodbye and hung up. I sat there for hours that night worrying about him. I wanted to go to his house, but if he was sick, he wouldn’t want to hang out. I would have to tell our teacher to give him an extension for the assignment. Around 11:30 I closed my notebook and got ready for bed. I had everything done and was half asleep when in my subconscious I remembered I left my phone downstairs. I fell asleep without going to grab it.

My clock woke me up at 6:00 that Wednesday morning. I went through my routine of getting ready for school. I went downstairs and saw my parents sitting at the table together. They were dead silent. 

“Morning.” I said, grabbing my phone. I saw I had a text from Bryan. I saw it was from midnight. He must have decided he wanted to hang out after all. I hoped he wouldn’t be mad that I never answered. I heard my mom sigh, so I turned around and saw their facial expressions. 

“Is everything ok?” I asked. I saw the look they exchanged.

“Sarah, can you come sit down for a minute?” My dad asked. I swallowed nervously. Was I in trouble?

“Of course.” I replied, sitting next to my mother. She was deadly pale and she looked like she had been crying.

“What’s wrong? You guys are scaring me.” I asked. My dad took a deep breath.

“Honey, Bryan is dead.” He whispered. At first I was confused.

“What?” I asked. Had I even heard right? Did he really say that Bryan was dead. My mom started crying, and in that second I realized two things. 1. My parents were serious. Bryan was dead, and 2. I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore. Even though I knew the answer, I had to ask. 

“What happened?” I asked. My voice sounded strangled.

“He killed himself around midnight. His mom found him dead at 4:00 this morning. She said he cut his wrists.” He said. I felt hot tears stinging in my eyes. They silently spilled over and started flowing down my face. I looked down at his message. There were only two words. “I’m sorry”. His last words to me. Those two words would forever haunt me.

All through the next several years I wondered if I had gone to his house that night, if it would have made a difference. Would he still be alive? He was in more pain than anyone ever realized. I never really knew why he did it. His mom showed me his note. All it said was he couldn’t take the pressure of faking happy anymore. I wish I had hugged him that day at the school. He was crying, and I left him. I left him alone when he needed me the most. I’d go back to that day over and over again, just to go to his house and help him through it. May 17th. May 17th is the day the light died for me.