LOST TEENAGE MIND

"Are you coming tonight?” 

A text message popping out of my notification bar from my friend, Julie, inviting me over to her house for the planned sleepover. Taking a pause, second-guessing my world, I doubt going to her place tonight. 

“Sorry, can’t”, I replied, as my social battery ran out for today. Rolling over my bed as another message arrive. 

“Oh okay, something wrong? That is seemingly cold of your reply.” She wonders for why I am no longer a social butterfly, little did they know, it was never I. 

Thinking to what I am going to say as my eyes slowly closing, I am already sleeping, leaving her message on seen, it is never on purpose. Forgetting to tell her that my place is under community quarantine, my so-called friend decided to kick me out of the team.

The lockdown seems to be taking forever, days be passing unknown, and time, it no longer matter. The coronavirus pandemic is taking away my teenage life, and people I called "friends". And classes held online is just not my thing, it got no life but an error sign on my internet connection. I’m skipping this class.

Peanut butter sandwich on my left hand, too sticky and too dry to swallow, and the other hand holding a smartphone, secretly smiling over a silly boy’s texts. Addicted to social media that is becoming my therapy, it is an entertainment for my lonely life.

“Put your phone away from the table or don’t eat at all, Grace”, Rita, my mum, with a countenance that was not seem to be unfrown for so long, lessons her daughter. 

“You don’t even pray anymore, thanking God we have food on our table, what is up with you?”

Pretending to be unbothered, mama’s words went in from one ear and out to the other. Drinking water to unblock my throat from the dry sandwich she served, I ran to my room and locked the door. 

“Truth or dare, or random 21?” a message sent from an internet friend. With stirred up feeling of excitement rouse, my boredom will now be cease. 

“Random 21”, I replied, waiting to begin. 

Ding! A notification came, it is now starting. Looking at the picture with a list of 21 questions and dares, they are seemingly off.  

“I don’t think I will continue”, trying to end the conversation from a strange man I never even knew.

“Oh babe, yes you do because you will have to”, what a creep, I pause, foreboding, it is here.

 “What do you mean?”

Within a second, a familiar photo was sent. “And?...” trying not to freak out over a horror scene that came in front of my eyes. Staggers and shivers, my worst nightmare plays out to this reality, and I can’t seem to wake up but watch as it unfolds slowly.

 “This is you right?” talking about the nude photo I have sent to a guy from previous ‘situationship’, for the sake of what I thought is love, an act that can no longer be undone, I wanted to be gone.

“You must be kidding, no” trying to get away.

“I kid you not, you are hot”

A compliment I am done swallowing from the mouth of a hungry dude begging. “Don’t take this long”, sent together with a screenshot list of my relatives account.

Sitting in panic, mind blocked, everything inside of me accepts the fiasco. 

“Tell me what to do, I’ll do it”. As I try to think of other ways, but my mind no longer works fine with all the worries filling. 

Being instructed, I became a slave, following everything from thrusting and moaning, to putting a smile on my face. Everything happens very fast, what role am I playing? A dirty darling is what I think.

 From a dirty past, when will this last? It is now a routine, I am becoming their breakfast.

Like a dagger slowly getting stab and twisted, created a hole in my lungs, I can no longer breathe.

 For how long and how many should I send to the audience that seem to be always thirsty. I’m afraid I will always be a game to play.

“I can no longer take this anymore, I need your help.” Only then I have the courage to ask help from a friend who, I think can help me in my situation. “What happen?” he asked.  

Even with embarrassment, I tried my best to let him know. I never care to be judge by him anymore, I am more of needing help. 

“I’ll try to help you with that”, he said and I sigh with relief. 

Still, days and nights, every single time I die with the guilt and regrets that haunts me entirely. Life’s a hell I created my own, with my own¬ one wrong move, one wrong choice. My one wrong life?

Foreboding, foreboding, foreboding, a knocked from my intuition came again. Why is this feeling creeping, could this get any worse?

“Send”, came a message from my friend.

“Dude? What are you doing?” yes, it’s the foreboding, and no not you, please.

For something I did not expect. You too? I crippled, like I am lying on a road getting crushed by a heavy equipment slowly and surely deep in my bones. For someone who I trusted so dearly could depreciate me, and it’s heavy.

Looking at my family who knows nothing about me and never will, mama and papa who are busy at work, very hardworking, a sister who is always in love, and a little brother, a newbie to this world, but so was I, and I think, I still am. 

I would not dare to give more problem, they had enough.

I am facing this alone for I have done this my own. I’m keeping it quiet, they never have to know, and even if they knew, they’ll have nothing to do, it was done.

For someone who study political science, the laws, and the human rights, why did I go dumb? Where was my brain? Where did it go?

For I, who, as everyone remembered, was once innocent and pure, a quiet kid, always receiving the “most behave’ ribbon, good at her academics, only then to become stupid in life. She, who chooses the right letter of the correct answer, only to end up choosing the wrong brother. 

For an introvert to come out too soon from her cocoon trying to fit in, her ignorance, is she to blame?

 What is this life? For betrayal that only comes from whom you trust. And regrets that can only be realize when it was already done.

Looking at myself and then to others, comparing paths that’s completely different than mine. To the choices I made, I have a puzzled and a completely lost teenage mind.  

-END-