At Least I Still Have My Shoes

“So, what’s the catch?” I toss my head back, gazing up at the glittery sky above us but not really seeing it. It’s funny how one day you wake up and what used to be so full of magic just isn’t so special anymore. Like how for no discernable reason there's a million little lights dangling from some invisible ceiling in the sky and we have no idea how they got there or why they got there or why they choose to stay there for eternity, shining for us and asking for nothing in return. Some nights we selfishly soak up all their light, hoping to take some of it home with us. Other nights we don’t even look up.

And that’s just it. When did Carter stop looking up? 

 I used to be a star. A supernova. A constellation of tiny little fires blazing in the sky. Fuck, I was the sky and moon and earth and every molecule to ever exist, even the ones undetectable to the human eye. I used to shine so bright that I would blind Carter, but he would still keep staring straight into my sun. Now he was putting sunglasses on, a big floppy hat, SPF 9000, and sprinting for the shade.

When did I become…too bright? Or when did someone else outshine me?

“There is no catch.” Carter keeps his eyes on the road. He’s driving at a responsible pace, which is so un-Carter-like .I can’t help but remember the times when he’d shout “no hands!” and we’d fly down the road on his Harley, howling like a pair of endangered animals that just escaped the zoo. People would stare and I’d imagine it wasn’t because of how obnoxious we were but because of how in each other's presence we gave each other limitless permission to take up as much space as we needed. We’d grow and grow and grow until our bubbles burst and we’d have to blow bigger ones to bounce around in. Together, we could scream into the abyss, look an enemy dead in the eye and yell, “fuck you!” or walk straight into the hungry mouth of any monster. There is safety in things that would normally scare you, if you have someone with you. That was Carter. He was my safety net. Other people didn’t have that. A person that would never see you any different, even if half your face burnt off or you lost all your limbs in a tragic accident. He was the type of friend who would burn half his face off just to match you, so you wouldn’t feel alone.

But what if one day the earth shifted? What if one day he didn’t want to slay dragons with you anymore because behind one of them had been a beautiful princess? A princess that demanded all of him, not half, in order to keep her satisfied. What if the princess thought you were too dangerous for him and she wanted to keep him locked away in her castle, where it was “safe”? 

I wrap my arms tighter around Carter and hug him like he might float away. He leans into me for a second and then his whole body jerks away like it has better, more comfortable spaces to fit into.

“The catch is that I’ll never see you again.” I press my nose into the cool leather of his jacket. It’s comforting, like the underside of my favorite childhood pillow on a hot summer night. 

Carter says nothing, confirming my worst fear. 

I swallow the tears begging to escape. If they break free, they’ll tumble out endlessly. 

“We’ll always be friends.” He says flatly.

“We’re not friends anymore.” I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to look at a world that suddenly seemed so empty. A life that I once saw as an exciting adventure was now looking like the set of a horror movie. Any second the floor might collapse beneath me. Maybe it already had. Maybe I was falling at such a fast rate, I could barely feel it anymore. I wasn’t sure how I was going to navigate life by myself. It’s like I had been blessed with a book that held the secrets of the universe and someone, a stranger who already owned the world and didn’t need the knowledge, stole it right from my fingertips the second I thought I was safe. 

“How can you say that?” Carter slams on the brakes. He looks over his shoulder at me, his jet black hair falling into his eyes. “You said it yourself. We’re forever friends.” 

I rest my forehead into his back and groan. I want to hit him, something, anything. “It seems like you don’t know the meaning of forever!” I yell. 

“Yes, I do. I’ll always be here for you.” He slides forward, squirming away from my touch.

“Forever means you don’t leave!” I’m off the motorcycle now. Pacing back and forth on the side of the road. Cars zoom by, swishing my long blonde hair this way and that, making me as messy on the outside as I feel on the inside. 

“Forever means we grow up. We grow apart. We move forward. But we still care about each other.” He veers off onto the shoulder and angrily pulls out the kickstand. 

A tear leaps from the edge of my eyelid to its death on the hot pavement. I can’t help but feel jealous of it. At least its suffering has ended. “Why am I something you feel you have to move forward from?” I whisper. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Carter sighs, leaning against his Harley. “ I just mean that…it’s just, I have someone else in my life now.”

And just like that. My safe space had never really been my safe space. I had simply been a guest at a hotel. A placeholder who had funded an establishment while it waited for a higher paying customer. Suddenly I was standing in the street, holding my suitcase with no one to call. I had no parachute for my fall. All I had was trust, but now that was gone too. 

“But…what did I do?”

Boom. Crash. Broken. Just like the other times someone you loved didn’t love you back quite enough. 

“You didn’t do anything…” Carter trails off, searching for words. I want to reach inside him and yank it all out. The truth. The lies. The ugly. The beautiful. I’m hungry to know every detail of why this had to happen. 

“I’ve never felt more worthless.” I choke out. Ugly words start pouring out of me. “Disgusting. Not good enough. This is how you make me feel.”

“That’s how you make yourself feel.” He looks at me like I’m a stray dog in need of saving but he’d rather adopt the shiny new puppy at the pet store. “You know I love you. But the problem is that you don’t love you.”

“I love me. I’d never leave me like this.” I kneel to the ground. A line of fire ants marches past me. Even bugs stick together through thick and thin. 

“Because you can’t.”

“Technically I can.” I argue. “ I’d kill myself if I could.”

“Sure, you could.” He glares, “But you won’t.” 

“Fine. Then that proves I love myself.” I kick at the ants, angry that even bugs with tiny brains possess more empathy than my own ‘best friend’. “ If I hated myself, I’d jump in front of a train or something.”

“That’s crazy. You’re crazy.” He looks around as if searching for a witness to my madness. There's no life behind the eyes that would normally light up at my jokes. The change is evident. He is not the same. We are not the same. But I’m still the same. 

All gone. The person I knew, all wrapped up and locked away for someone else to open. 

“Don’t tell me…if you love something, let it go.” I blink. “ You’re picking her because you love her more.”

“She gives me more of her.” He states, matter of factly. 

I look down at my shaky hands. It was true, even if I’d never fully admit it. And that was the problem with me. I never did give anyone all of me. And this was why. The leaving. The leaving hurts too much. It rips and tugs at my skin. Makes me feel like this body that I never chose, that was selected for me by some divine being, is defective in some way that everyone else can see but I can’t. It leaves me with a feeling of wanting to cover up. To never be seen again. 

“I can’t wait forever for you to maybe one day become a full person.” He continues. 

“I am a full person.” I pat him on the shoulder as a weird sort of numbness spreads through my body. It’s at this exact moment that I know nothing like this will ever happen again. I won’t let it.

“I’m happy for you.” My tears are drying up now. The water reserves inside of me have clogged up. I don’t plan on ever getting them repaired. “But don’t fuck it up. Because you just fucked us up. And you can’t unfuck this. Once I’m gone, I’m gone.”

“I know.” He says. And the fact that he is okay with that, with cutting us in half and leaving me lay there to bleed out is what finally sets me free. That is the catch. That no one will ever catch me, except for myself.

Carter steps back on his motorcycle. Eager to jet off into the sunset. Already thinking about his princess waiting at home for him. Maybe some people do have someone waiting at the finish line for them, arms open and ready to welcome them home night after night. Lucky son of a bitch. 

Carter zooms off without a goodbye, like he can’t wait to get away from me. I don’t bother watching him drive away. The less memories I have, the better. I don’t want it replaying in my mind over and over.

I collapse on the side of the road and stare up at the sparkling sky again. What once seemed so vast and beautiful and full of possibility is suddenly like a life sucking vortex. Forever is no longer comforting but completely and irrevocably terrifying. If space has no end point, can we ever just pause and breathe?

I think of my favorite movie. How at the end the main character passes out on the side of the road with nothing but the clothes on his back. He is heartbroken. Alone. This is The End of his story. It’s not the end of mine. I wish it was. A car pulls up beside him. A man gets out and rips the shoes right off his feet. He lays there unconscious, unable to stop strangers from stealing from him when he has virtually nothing left to take. Another car comes. A boy picks him up and places him carefully in the backseat. Maybe it's a criminal. Maybe it's his best friend coming back to save him because best friends always do…right?

I lay there and wait for my car to come.

It never does.

At least I still have my shoes.