I'm April. I'm Four.

I’m April and I’m four. I like it out here on the porch in the sunshine. I can see all the birds and plants and trees and squirrels on my Daddy’s farm. I just sit here and smell the air and watch. I like it outside better than inside. So do my sisters, Maggie and Daisy. We share a room. Our room is where the warm stove is, so it feels good when it’s cold outside.  

Sometimes we leave our room and get into bed with Daddy. There’s only one other room in the house and that’s the kitchen. Daddy’s cooking always smells good.  

Daddy’s inside with my sisters. The doctor is there, too. I don’t like going to the doctor, but Daddy takes me for check-ups sometimes. I can tell when it’s time to go, so I hide under the bed.  Daddy always finds me.

Maggie is sick. She’s 14 and super smart. She’s way smarter than me and Daisy. But she can’t walk anymore. Her legs stopped working, so Daddy carries her. He makes a funny sound when he picks her up and walks weird when he carries her. She can’t go potty by herself anymore either. Daddy has to help her.

Daisy’s not sick, but she likes to be close to Maggie because she always has to know what’s going on. Daisy can run faster than me and Maggie, even back when Maggie’s legs worked.  Daisy can jump higher, too. One time Daisy was in Daddy’s garden and caught a rabbit.  Me and Maggie were so proud of her. Daddy doesn’t like us in his garden, but he didn’t punish us.  He took the rabbit from Daisy and cooked it. Daisy got to taste the stew first since she caught it. She hasn’t been able to catch a rabbit since. I’ve never caught a rabbit before, but I chased some.

They’re talking inside about Maggie being sick. I can hear Daddy crying. He cried a lot when Mommy died. I don’t know why because she has been happy and free since she died. That was a long time ago and I don’t remember her much, but I remember her smell. She smelled different when she was sick.  

Daddy talks to Mommy a lot. He’s silly because sometimes when he talks to her, she isn’t there, and sometimes she is there, but he doesn’t talk to her. Like when he cooked the rabbit stew, Mommy was standing behind him with her arms around him, but he only talked to me and Daisy and Maggie.  

Mommy likes to sit in the rocking chair in our room. She smiles and talks to us. I like to get in the rocking chair with her. She tells me the same thing Daddy does, that I’m the little cuddler. They both like to kiss my head. I like that.

Mommy is always happy now. She’s buried near the trees with other buried people. Daddy calls it a family plot. That’s a funny name. Trevor is buried there, too. Sometimes he’s with Mommy and he’s always so happy. He wants to play with me and my sisters. They remember him better than I do. Maggie remembers him best.

Daddy and the doctor are coming outside. I don’t want the doctor doesn’t see me. He might want to look in my ears and open my mouth. They stopped on the porch, but I can’t tell what they’re saying. The doctor has his hand on Daddy’s shoulder. Daddy’s crying. Daisy just came out of the house. The screen door slams.  

Maggie wants to die. She’s tired of being alive. Maggie wants to be with Mommy and Trevor. Maggie will come visit us after she dies just like Mommy and Trevor do. She will feel good and be happy and not be tired. She’ll get to use her legs, too. She wants to run with Trevor again. They used to do that a lot before Trevor died. Trevor was almost as fast as Daisy, but Trevor never caught a rabbit.

Daisy and me want Maggie to be happy again. We want her legs to work, too, and not hurt anymore. Daddy’s just sad.  

I heard him ask Mommy why she died and left him all alone, even though Mommy is around him all the time. So is Trevor. I wonder why he can’t see them like I can. Maybe he’s afraid to die. That’s silly too. He doesn’t know how free he will be. Mommy and Trevor are free. They feel good all the time and visit whenever they want. They never get sad or cry. They are always happy. They make me laugh and smile.  

Mommy and Trevor love is different than my Daddy’s love. Daddy’s love is like sunshine. Mommy and Trevor love is like that, too but more. Sunshine plus running plus kisses on my head plus catching a rabbit.

The doctor got in his truck. He’s leaving. Daddy and Daisy walk to the shed. I follow them.  

“Hi Daisy.” I give her a bump.  

“Hi April.” She bumps me back.  

We follow Daddy. He starts digging with a big shovel. He uses his foot to push it in the ground. He digs and digs and keeps crying.  

Me and Daisy follow him back to the shed. He gets a wheelbarrow and pushes it to the porch.  He goes inside and I hear him make that sound when he lifts up Maggie. I see him come out of the house carrying Maggie. The screen door slams. He puts Maggie in the wheelbarrow.  She’s still. Daddy puts his hand on her head.

Then Daisy and me see Maggie. She’s with Trevor. They are jumping around and chasing each other. Mommy’s there, too, laughing with her hands on her knees. I look back at Daddy and he is pushing Maggie. I can see her long ears and tail over the side of the wheelbarrow. Then I look back at Trevor and Maggie playing. Trevor’s tail hits Maggie in the face and she laughs and chases him. She is smiling and her tongue is hanging out. Me and Daisy run to them. Daisy gets there first. Daisy’s a good runner. Mommy’s scratching me behind my ears and kissing my head.  

I love when she does that.