Amongst everything in my life, you were my favorite. When my whole life was in chaos and in war with itself, you were there to hold me tightly. You made me believe in things that I didn’t believe in before. You made me do things that I was scared of. I was afraid to go against my parents but you thought me to live the life for myself and to think only about myself. You thought me being selfish is sometimes a blessing in disguise. I didn’t believe you at first. But when life gave me lemons that I didn’t ask for, I understood what it means to think only about myself.
I think I should call you a blessing in disguise. You were never the person to worry about the bigger picture. But you always worried about the smaller things that I considered to be insignificant things. I thought my life was unfair but you, you who had nothing but miseries and sad endings though it to be just the opposites, just like who we were. We never liked the same things. God, we always fought for different things. We never agreed on anything except that one time when we bought my Nana the purple sweater because you thought it would look good on her too. People called us opposites. I don’t know if it was fortunate or unfortunate but we were exactly that. Opposites. If I was the moon you were the sun. I once called you mean and myself as stars. But you got angry. You said you can’t be the moon and I can’t be the stars simply because we don’t belong in the same world. That day I was hurt. You knew it too. You had a sweet way of talking and making me do things that I never want to. That’s how you got me to sleep with you.
With time I did realize what you meant back then. We were indeed in two different worlds but not because we were opposites. You were that kid everyone liked. Everyone loved hanging out with you and playing with you. I didn’t like it. I don’t know if you did. I thought you did. You always had that nonchalant smile that I fell for plastered in your face. You were happy with everything. From being the center of the crowd or just walking your dog in a deserted road. I thought that’s exactly you were. Innocent, lovable and adventurous. For me, you were everything that I never had and I never will. I was always the one in the shadow never out in the light. We went to same places and associated the same people. But they knew you and not me. They always ask who I was whenever I went you and you always gave the same answer. Just someone you knew. I didn’t take it to heart. I believed you cared about me the same way I did about you. That’s why I did let you enter my world. My world where I kept everyone at a distance. My world where I was insecure the world.
You were that perfect person in everyone’s life. You were good at everything you did. Studying, playing, working or simply working from one classroom to another. A crowd would always follow you and cheer you, even when you said you were just being you. Even then I didn’t take it to my heart. Because I knew, at the end of the day, you would always make me yours. That you always considered you being mine and mine alone. You never said it. But your actions spoke for you, when you put your arms around me crashing your lips into mine and letting me taste the mint flavor that always lingered in your lips. It showed with the way you caressed my hand when we were walking down the road to buy groceries. It showed when you came inside me and called my name in a way that no one called me. I thought it did. I believed it did.
I let you into my world and even allowed you to make it adventurous. You were shocked when you heard I haven’t travelled anywhere. Not even to a forest or to a beach. The very next day, you took me to a beach and said you want me. You said I was part of you. You said you won’t let me go until it’s the very end. I believed you. I always believed your words when before, I was suspicious of everyone. You took me to the forest and asked me to marry you. You asked me to be yours forever. I said yes in a second. That day, your smile made me melt inside. You took me into your arms and made me yours. Even when you did things I didn’t like, I still didn’t tell anything. Because, for me, you were that existence I was afraid to lose. Even when you stayed out, playing with your guys, I still didn’t say anything even when I was afraid of darkness. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of the monsters that roamed. When I said it you, you took me into your arms and said sorry and kept me in your arms the whole day.
I thought we were exactly that. A pair that couldn’t live without each other. I believed it. I thought I was incomplete without you. You took the most space in my world. Even when my body gave in, I still gave you everything that could possibly give. You said I was the perfect you. You said no one can replace me in your life. You said you’re incomplete without me. And every word you said, I believed them. I believed you even when sometimes I was against the things and the way you handled some things. I believed you because I didn’t want you to know. The reason why I was guarded. Why I didn’t let anyone enter my world. Why I was anxious when I was in a crowd. And why I was afraid of dark and walking at night. I thought I could keep everything hidden. I thought if I didn’t tell you, we could be happy. But everything kept crashing down.
You wanted a smaller version of yourself. I wanted too. We tried everything we could. But I wasn’t blessed with one. And you changed. You changed into someone I was afraid. When you found out the truth, you cursed me. You pushed me completely away from your life. You didn’t let me explain. You called me disgusting. You said I deceived you. You said I used you. I said I didn’t. I said I had my reasons. But you didn’t believe me. You completely shut me out from your life. Even when my health was leaving me, you stayed out for days and didn’t come back. When you came, you were wasted. You didn’t listen to anything I said. I became invisible to you. You said I wasn’t enough for you. You said you had enough of seeing me. You said you were tired of me.
Just then the director called out. He talked with a loudspeaker and announced, the script would finish with the last line. And it did exactly that. He gave me a final look and said before leaving,
“I’m never going out with you again.”