A life well lived

Deals with loss. Mild sexual content.

Eliot passed on Thursday the 26^th of January. It was sudden. I don’t think forewarning makes any difference. Maybe that would have been worse. The person who was my entire world left and yet the other world kept turning without him, indifferent. Throughout human existence, every single human being, bar a few deemed divine, have been thrust screaming into this world, with no consent, and then left it. Every single one. Billions. It’s inconceivable, but undeniable. There is no escape. They say it is the great leveller, and yet so many of us dream of a world beyond this where a select few that adhere to certain principles can re-establish hierarchy. Good. Evil. Who gets to draw that line? The circumstances of those deaths are innumerable. No comfort is to be found there. Birth and death are the only things we all have in common. From the moment we take that first breath our paths diverge. Nature. Nurture. I think Nurture. But no matter what life we live, we converge for one final moment. A last breath. What a terrifying and yet liberating thing. Unity. In a world where survival, idealism, greed, even love, wreak havoc, there is that one moment where all that means nothing. A single breath. I find it comforting. No matter what life takes from me, it can never take that.

Eliot was a staunch Catholic. There are some things that love can overcome. This one was almost too big a hurdle. It was his family. He loved his family, most of the time. I was never having a church wedding. His God probably wouldn’t appreciate someone standing in a holy place and thinking, ‘geez this is boring’, as the ceremony rolled on and on. I had endured a few. There was compromise. Outdoors, a priest, a kitchen timer. Well not really, but my glare did the job. Any children we had would not be christened. That was a battle we never had to have. Don’t misunderstand. I do not hate religion, but I believe that embracing that religion is something that should be done after careful thought. A baby cannot make that choice. From birth many of us are denied free will. There are so many options available. I wanted my children to explore and chose what makes them happy, what gives them comfort and hope. I made my own choice very early in life, to the horror of my protestant lineage. I chose to live by my own principles, take responsibility for my own mistakes, take my own path. I believe that after that final breath, there is nothing. It wasn’t an easy decision to make. As a person of science, I behold the night’s sky and drown in my own insignificance. My chest feels tight. The infinite, the unknowable. Amid all that I am already the nothing I will become. It is terrifying.

I endured the funeral service. ‘It’s what Eliot wanted’, is probably true. But to me, that had no bearing on my choice. Eliot, my dear sweet, thoughtful, adventurous, loving Eliot who I had known since I was seven, was gone. His opinion was void. What mattered were those left to grieve, and the ceremony was important to them. They expected me to kick up a fuss. His sister was all poised to attack. I disarmed her with a platitude.

Toby and Christine stood beside me. I think she cried more than I did. A lot of people cried more than I did. That had nothing to do with my beliefs. I’m not a crier. Eliot knew that. Eliot knew everything about me. There was a function after at the RSL club. His footy team framed his jersey. It looked nice. There was a team photo below. It was going in the clubhouse. Eliot had a lot of friends. Many of Eliot’s Uni friends that I had adopted came from every corner of the globe. It was a tragic, unfortunate circumstance, but it was a reunion Eliot would have loved to be at. It was why things were delayed. People in his profession tended to scatter. We all told 'Eliot' stories and laughed and laughed.

None of my family went inside the church. Some of the Irish, no matter how far removed from their heritage, cannot let go. They were there at the club but didn’t interact. Not that they did that at the best of times. I couldn’t sit with them. For mum it was all about Dad. For Belinda it was all about her. For Mathew it was an opportunity to play the pokies.

Eliot’s family saw it as an opportunity to cut ties. Not openly so, but I felt the cold rising even then. The laughing did not go down well. It’s funny how they can ignore that part of Eliot. His friendships. His love. Eliot loved me. He told me every single day and I told him. Eliot was a romantic. Flowers on Fridays. Date nights. Not to mention the other nights. This side of Eliot, this important side of Eliot, was jettisoned. In its place rose the idolised version. Perfect son, with the perfect job and the perfect life who was looking down on them from heaven. Wife? A blemish to be overlooked.

His friends? They laughed their asses off at all Eliot’s wonderful imperfections.

Eliot’s Uni friends couldn’t stay long.

I only saw Eliot's friends from footy when I bumped into them at the shops.

Toby and Christine were different. Toby had been in my life almost as long as Eliot. Christine and I went to high school. Toby and I went to Uni together. They knew they were all I had. I tend to let one person into my life at a time. In that way, I’m a lousy friend. Before Eliot and I realised our feelings were mutual, Christine was that person, then there was only Eliot. I didn’t ignore Christine, but it was her who had to make the effort. She did. I love her. Eliot passing left a huge hole. Toby and Christine stepped in to fill it. I was managing. I would have my moments when I would fall apart, but I would get up. Toby and Christine were one of the reasons.

About four weeks later, Toby and Christine and I went to dinner at one of the restaurants Eliot loved. I’m not one for carbs. For Eliot they were a staple. We had a great night. Christine has a wicked sense of humour. Toby is an extremely intelligent guy but slow on the uptake when it comes to Christine’s jokes. It’s hilarious. He was OK with the laughter being at his expense. We drank, but no more than usual. None of us were the sort of people that, like Eliot, would stagger home and pass out and think it was a good idea to do that again. Christine had to be up early, so Toby and I pushed on. The four of us used to splurge on Gold Class at the movie theatre when anything Marvel came out. There was a new Spiderman movie. It was brilliant, but confusing. Not the movie. Toby. Part the way through, Toby took my hand in his and never let it go. I don’t cry much but I do get emotional. I was the butt of jokes when it came to movies. If it is funny, I laugh. If it is scary, I scream. If it is lame, I call them out. People throw popcorn. If someone hurts Spiderman, there are sobs and shaky breaths. Toby took my hand then. It was comforting. I missed it.

We went for ice-cream and then Toby dropped me home. Eliot was the one who collected the house keys on the way out. I got to the door and realised what I had done. Toby was waiting until I went inside. He saw me lean back against the wall and bang my head. Toby said I was a flake, which was true. He had a spare. He was our 'mind the house when we are away' guy. We headed to his. I insisted I would get a taxi back. His unit was on the second floor. It was clean, but untidy, nothing I hadn’t seen before. It was his nature and he embraced it. Eliot was a neat freak. I was OK with that too. Toby tossed me the keys and then asked if I wanted coffee. I did. We talked. Not about Eliot, about each other. Toby had his own practice. I was the fool still in the hospital system. We exchanged war stories. I got up to go and was on the way to the door when Toby took my hand. I turned. He said he wanted to talk to me about something else. We went to the lounge. I didn’t want to know. Whatever Eliot had done, it didn’t matter. That wasn’t what he had to say. He apologised for the theatre. He said he wanted to explain. He pre-empted it with, ‘I don’t mean now. I know it will take a long while to get over Eliot.’ I knew. I knew Toby liked me when we were teenagers. We were inseparable in Uni. He said his feelings never went away. He said Eliot knew and would joke about it. Eliot also knew Toby would never cross that line. Toby said he would like to remain friends and he didn’t want to make me feel awkward, but he didn’t want to deceive me either. He apologised for what he did again. It was weird, but when we went out the next week it was all good.

Christine brought Natasha. For once she didn’t have to work. We went on a harbour cruise. Not our usual, but Natasha won the tickets. It was really nice. The boat was huge and fully glassed. There was a bar, and a dance floor. We drank enough to loosen up and then danced. Eliot didn’t like to dance. He was happy to watch us behaving like idiots. We did. None of us were great dancers, but we made up for it with enthusiasm. It was a brilliant night. Christine and Natasha were going to stay. I had forgotten it was their wedding anniversary. Toby and I headed for the train but got distracted on the way. A bar with a karaoke night. We used to go with the group to cut loose after exams. Toby can actually sing. I have a decent voice. Eliot was amazing. Toby and I had a few more drinks and then did a duet. It was getting really late, and I was on call the next day. We had missed the last train, so we got a cab.

Toby’s was closest so we stopped there first. I don’t know why I got out. I don’t know why I followed him upstairs. Toby said nothing and opened the door. I put my bag on the counter. Toby came up behind me. I felt his breath on my neck. There was that shiver. I turned. Toby’s eyes met mine. He said he was Toby, not Eliot. I said I knew, and I did. That was it. Toby was gentle, as if he was giving me time to stop whenever I wanted, but then it got to a tipping point, and he stopped asking. Neither of us held back. I didn’t run away in shame afterwards. I stayed. Toby was looking at me when I woke. I knew what he was thinking. Would we be OK? Would I let the guilt push him away? Would our friendship be over? I told him that I didn’t regret it, but I needed time to sort out how I felt. I said we would be OK.

I didn’t go out with them the next week. I had to work. Toby and Eliot were all I thought about. What Toby and I did was all on me. I crossed the line. In truth I enjoyed crossing the line. Eliot was gone. No amount of time would change that. I would always love Eliot. But only six weeks had passed. No one would understand how I felt about Toby. A year? Two years? When was it right to move forward? I would never have intentionally dated, but Toby was there. Toby had feelings for me. Toby had always been by my side. I realised I had feelings for Toby. I knew what everyone would say. ‘Did I cheat on Eliot?’ ‘Eliot would have hated this.’ I never even thought about cheating. If Eliot was here, I would never have turned to Toby even if he told me how he felt. Eliot knew about Toby's feelings and didn’t push him away. Eliot's opinion now? The past cannot be changed, and the future can only be lived by those that are still with us. Wait? Elliot and I were only married for three years. Life is short. I waited for Eliot. I waited for his family to accept me. A year was lost. A year that I could have been lying beside him.

By the following week I was sure. I would not wait again.

I went to Toby’s. I called ahead. I said I needed to talk. When he opened the door, he looked resigned, as though he had already guessed my answer. We had coffee and I explained. I told him my rational. I told him that from my perspective Eliot wasn’t a barrier. If he wanted to go ahead with the relationship, we would either have to keep it secret, or face the blowback. Toby looked surprised.

He said he hadn’t expected this. It was his turn to need time to think about the consequences of going public. He asked my opinion, and I didn’t want to hide anything. Things got intense. I couldn’t stay.

We spoke to Christine and Natasha first. They were thrown. Christine was really close to Eliot. They knew neither of us had ever betrayed each other. Christine thought about it and then said love was precious. No one’s opinion would have stopped her from marrying Natasha. Anyone that made it about them were left behind. Some of the relationships they lost hurt. Still hurt. I knew all about those. Natasha’s family won’t speak to her. They even tried to set her up on a blind date with a guy after the wedding. Toby had more people to lose than I did. He was still in contact with a lot of Eliot’s friends. He was still undecided.

We made it public two weeks later. I had basically been living at Toby’s. We both knew this wasn’t going to be a rebound fling. I didn’t do flings. It was all or nothing, and Toby had been waiting long enough. We decided to sell both our places and get a bigger apartment closer to the city. Eliot was the one that did all the maintenance. Things were already getting out of hand.

Toby’s family was fine. They just wanted to see Toby happy. My mother said my father would role over in his grave despite being cremated. Belinda was worried about what people might say and how that affected her. Mathew said ‘Cool’ as he walked past and headed for his PlayStation.

Eliot’s family found out. First, they attacked me physically. His mother came to the door and slapped me across the face the moment I opened it. She then barged in with Eliot’s brother and moving boxes and started to take things regardless of who they belonged to. When Eliot first passed away, I let them have the things they thought were important. Some had me on the floor in tears. This was too much. I got angry. I called Toby. He called his friend who arrived before they finished the third trip. Philip is a detective. He threatened to charge them with assault and trespass. He made them unpack the car, which they did by throwing the boxes into the yard. Things were broken. They didn’t come back but they challenged the will, saying I was having an affair. That didn’t go anywhere but held up the sale of the property. Someone wrote 'whore' on the garage door. Someone keyed my car. Someone killed all the grass in the front lawn. There were other things.

Hell. If there is one, they reserved a place.

We both lost friends. Like Christine said, some really hurt.

Toby and I have been together for fourteen years. We have two children that are not christened. We have new friends. We still have to endure my family, but Mum changed when the kids were born. It was all about her grandchildren and Dad took a backseat. Eliot’s family eventually moved on. We are happy. Life is still hard, there have been plenty of highs and lows, but Toby and I still love each other. We talk about Eliot. Gone, but never forgotten. My advice. Life is unpredictable. We never know how long we have, so love. Love whoever you want however you want. Don’t wait. Don’t take other’s opinions to heart. Find people who get it. It won’t be easy. Too many of our fellow human beings poison this world with their insecurities and prejudice. Endure. Thrive. There is nothing more important on this earth than loving and being loved in return.

One day I will take that last equalising breath with no regrets. In my opinion that is a life well lived.