I wasn't lost, not yet

I don't share my thoughts, I don't know who to share with and even if I had someone I can trust, I don't see the point. My family enjoys my company and I don't feel the need to impress them. My work colleges aren't interested and busy at work, and my therapist would always say the same thing: "I see right through you, you aren't trying hard enough". So a tip for people who tend to get lost: Don't ever take a deture. never. And addictions. Don't indulge in thinking about yourself. It's called selfish. When I grow up and have a family of my own, getting lost is not a option. Kids are always need attention, you let you eyes off them for a second and your life can be destroyed. The reason I want to be rich and famous? I can have a babysitter 24/7 just for my little ones. hmmm, I want kids so someone else does all the work. I can present them to my friends the same way my parents presented me, like a plant that grown to be a tree. Like a investment. when I retire they will support me finincially just the same way my grandparens relied on my parents. That is a different story. Back in the days, people worked forever. The very first people who retired were people who saved money. cash. If you worked hard all your life but not smart- If you never went to school and wasn't educated, well mister you had a problem. because wellfare is always for people who can't afford a minimal standard of life. Kinda like me, who relies on publishing a book that somehow would be noticed by some luck. well this is my first me reaching out to the world. I like it when new ideas form. I like to think in a creative way. I feel at times I carry a burden and one day I will sit down, sit down and never have the strengh to stand up again. I need a quiet place to sit in write. My appartment is a quiet space. I need my appartment to welcome me when I wake up, and tuck me in when I fall asleep. Lord please bless me with a successful story and give me guidance. For: "It took a few seconds to realize I was utterly and completely lost." Hmmm, maybe more than a few seconds. I started wondering where am I going in life only recently. I half-left half-quit my long lasting job as a detective. A force stronger than I have ever experianced forced me to live. The streets once filled with foul activity now clean and full of life, were calling. I answered their called and raised the bet. I roamed those streets, full of purpose yet not knowing what will be my next move. It seemed I was on a path leading to success but I felt like a fool. I felt deceived. I hoped to be that man who is famous, well loved and cherished. A standing figure in the community. I've loved my self and pushed and pushed. It's very hard to be in control and to be loved. I've forgotten who I was and what I enjoyed doing in life. Depressed maybe. Sometimes when I was in pursuit of success I often asked myself too many quistions, full of dought and regreat. My better half inside me was revoulted. I never went to college. I tried but was rejected. I knew too much. Now that I have time I can learn French, I work in a book store and meet custumors, I'm not scared of being shot or have to carry a side-arm. While on the force the question of life and death wasn't always our primary concern. We would often joke about things like that. " Better aim a little better, Eli, or maybe let me lead the break-in". The police was my proffession and coleges my brothers. Money wasn't success. it was a means of food. I started as cop on the street, doing patrols on foot and car. The hot days for best because people were off the streets. I had no dought that meant they became new people, but the action was at night. " Always patrol around a Café with a bathroom". "Be freindly to your freinds and vigillant to your enemies." Some wisdom, amazing. I want to thank the police force, who always work so hard and risk their lives every day. It's people that don't see any fiancial benefits and due their job purely to enforce the law, retain order and serve the country. I want to also thank any readers who read even a little of my rumbling. I myself wasn't in the police but I never was against them as well. I want to support the comunity and people in need. It always breaks my heart when people come to the book store and can't afford a book. The bookstore I work in sells used books only. I do have a military backround which has held me back for many years. I have completed my military service many years ago and never regreated any of it. It's just that sometimes our body isn't ready to accept who we became as we serve and put our lives in risk so people can go to sleep peacfuly at night. I am fortunate to have stayed healthy and had a meaning full life. I find writing a theraputic thing to do. Reading has always been a part of me and spending many hours always brought me joy. Sometimes I enjoyed the ride more than the destination. I can relate to people who like to always step back and let the spotlights be on their freinds, colleges and family. Many hours of life we spend waiting, when we aren't satisfied but don't know what we want. Wroking in a book store has brought me great joy, discussing with customers over certain book and we also have. I want to end my story by reaching out once more and hope I won't stop smiling and never stop believing.