Problem Solved

Today is going to be perfectly splendid, Edna Bunday thought as she backed her new Cadillac out of her driveway.  She smiled as she drove past her mailbox. The gardener had planted pink hydrangeas around it yesterday and they were lovely.  Her house and yard were the envy of everyone on the street. Afterall, the president of the homeowner’s association should set an example and that she did.  As she moved her gear shift from reverse to drive, she gave a friendly wave to Edith Sneadecker, the woman who lived across the street. 

Edna Bundy was persnickety but liked by almost everyone. She had planned the day’s errands with precision.  Her first order of business was to pick up her favorite black dress from the dry cleaner.  She knew she would be needing it soon and didn’t want to scramble at the last minute getting proper attire together. Next, she had planned a trip to the do-it-yourself pest control store to pick up something to help her get rid of a pest.  Then finally her favorite stop; the grocery store. 

She loved the grocery store.  She always took care to get a new shopping cart.  She detested the sound of squeaky wheels and didn’t want to put her items in a cart that was rusted or dirty.  Edna was buzzing around the store picking up items as she went.  As she pushed her cart along the isles, she was collecting the ingredients to make her famous hummingbird cake. It was so delicious that no one could refuse it. It was the most requested item for potluck at her church.  At the last church meal Father Pete mentioned her cake in the pre meal prayer and then finished with “and bless the hands that made it”.  It was loaded with pineapple, ripe bananas, toasted pecans and topped off with decadent cream cheese frosting.  As she turned the corner in the produce department, to select bananas that were just ripe enough to leech their flavor, she ran smack into an old boss that she hadn’t seen in years.  

“Hello Edna, how nice to see you,” he said and smiled.

“Hello Mick,” she said forcing herself to smile.

“How are you and how are things at the office?”

Edna had no want to exchange pleasantries with her retired coworker.  She didn’t care for him when she worked with him.  He was rude, egotistical, and had bad breath.  She wasn’t about to let bumping into him now slow her down.

“Everything is great since you left,” she said as her forced smile turned into a smirk and she pushed her cart past him with a sense of satisfaction.  She wanted to get home and start making her cake. She needed to set things right with her neighbor. Yesterday they had a small disagreement.  Edna was still mulling the conversation over in her head and was fearful she had been unkind. 

 Edith had knocked on Edna’s door at 8am and when she was invited in, she didn’t even have common courtesy to remove her shoes.  She just stood there oblivious to the fact that she was standing on pristine white carpet.  

Heathen, Edna thought.

“Do you know who keeps parking in front of my house?” Edith had asked.

“No,” Edna said.

“The car is blocking the afternoon sun and causing my grass to die.” Edith said knowing full well that the car belonged to a friend of Edna.

“No, I haven’t noticed a car,” Edna said as she put her hand over her chest pretending to be concerned and asked, “what happened to your hand?”

“Edna cut the crap. We both know what happened to my hand, who that car belongs to, and why it is parked on my side of the street instead of yours. 

The statement made Edna nervous. Edith had a plethora of reasons to cause trouble for Edna. The two disliked one another but pretended to be friends to stay in good standing with the ladies’ club.  Last year Edna had reported Edith for having a fence put up without getting a permit.  The county ordered the fence be taken down until the proper permit was acquired and Edith had to pay a 350 dollar fine. Last month she had reported Edith to the county for watering her lawn extra on days she wasn’t supposed to water.  Edna couldn’t help the fact that Edith was breaking the rules. Even addresses watered on Tuesday and Thursday and odd addresses watered on Monday and Wednesday. Edith was fined 150 dollars and got revenge by pouring weed killer on the flowers around Edna’s mailbox. Edna saw her do it and in retaliation had thrown a garden snake in Edith’s mailbox knowing Edith wouldn’t look as she reached in to pull out her mail.  Edith had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance that day for chest pain. Edna was outside watering her hydrangeas when the mail was delivered so she could watch. She pretended she couldn’t see or hear Edith screaming in dire panic as she tried to shake the reptile off her hand. Probably the biggest beef Edith had with Edna was the fact that she beat her at bridge every week when the ladies club met for the monthly card game and luncheon.  

The prior day’s conversation was on a continuous loop in Edna’s head and she was going to make things right.

“Edna cut the crap. Edith had said as her eyes narrowed. We both know who that car belongs to and why it is parked on my side of the street instead of yours. It would be a shame for Mr. Bundy to find out. We also both know why I have this snake bite.  My silence will cost you 500 dollars with which I will pay the fines that I incurred because you tattled,” Edith said as she opened the front door to leave. 

“Oh, AND one more thing, I want a cake like you brought to the lady’s luncheon last week by 5 o’clock tomorrow or I will blab your dirty little secret to everyone on the block including Mr. Bundy.”

“Fine,” Edna said as she slammed her front door.

How dare she, Edna thought.   I have more than just marked cards.

Edna stood in her kitchen meticulously mixing the ingredients to make her cake.  She carefully scrapped all the batter from the sides of the mixing bowl ensuring that not one shred of pineapple was left behind.  The last thing she added before baking was the rat poison. 

As she slid the cake in the oven to bake, she thought this ought to shut the bitch up.