Through It All

TW: Mention of Suicide/Self Harm

Looks like Mister Casanova is here! Wow, aren’t those some gorgeous roses? What’s got you blushing like that Leah? 

I am not blushing Nurse Carroll; can you please just send him in? 

Alright, alright. No need to be so defensive. I’ll send him now. 

Hi, thank you for driving to come see me. Um Jessie, are you okay?

Why are you pacing around and running your hands through your hair. You seem nervous, are you alright? 

Are you serious? Am I alright? Leah you’re the one in the hospital right now because you tried.... You tried... 

Look it’s alright, we don’t need to talk about it. 

But we do, I’m sorry. You’re not here because of me, right? I mean obviously you are to some degree. But it doesn’t have to do with me only, right? Because I would feel horrible about that, and I could never forgive myself. That would’ve been a terrible thing Leah, do you know that? I mean I understand but-- 

Jessie, please take a deep breath and relax. I promise you did not land me here, okay? I just... life is hard, and I didn’t know if I could do it. But I’m where I need to be now. 

Are you sure? I just want you to be okay. I brought you some snacks and food because they said you haven’t been eating, which you know you need to do. And I know we’re not dating but I still brought these flowers because I thought they might help to brighten up the place. 

Thank you, Jessie. I – I – don’t know what to say. I want to have an explanation for you and tell you what we are but -- 

Leah, that last thing I want from you right now is for you to make any major decisions. Don’t worry about me, you should be worrying about yourself. You were seconds away from not being here anymore and all you can seem to think about is explanations. You’re trying to make sure everyone’s taken care of – me, your friends, your family, school, work. At the end of the day, who cares? None of this fucking matters unless you’re here alright? Alright!? 

Jeez, yes okay. I’m sorry Jessie. Are you crying? I didn’t – 

Look, I don’t wanna know the why or how. I just care that you’re here right now and that I can wrap my arms around you. God, do you know how scary that was? Getting that news and not knowing if I was gonna get to see you again. I can’t imagine how scared and alone you must’ve felt. I’m sorry you got to that point, and I wasn’t there for you. 

It’s gonna be alright. Okay? I wanna be there for you too. Fuck, I didn’t realize that I’ve been crying too. It’s just tough to feel so hopeless and low like this for days on end. Like nothing matters, like there is no point to all this. Its just suffering and pain and loss and I didn’t think I could do another day of it. I just don’t understand why I’m here. I’m not needed. You’d all be fine without me. 

Leah, I wanna read you something. Last night when I got the news, and I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t talk to you because you were in here, I wrote something. 

Uh okay, what did you write? Like a love letter or something? Oh shoot is it actually a love letter? Sorry! I didn’t mean to make fun of you Jess. 

Just shhh let me read it out loud alright? I don’t want you interrupting. This is hard enough for me as it is. I don’t like reading my writing to other people. 

Sir, yes sir! Consider my zips lipped. I mean my lips zipped. See! That put a smile on your face. Hey, don’t you roll your eyes at me! 

You’re so annoying. Let me just read it to you. Ahem, 

He loved her because she was art 

She wasn’t art because she was perfectly symmetrical, with no bumps or edges. 

Or because of everything she was, it was because of everything she wasn’t. 

If art made sense, then no one would be one of a kind. 

Love is interpreted however you want. 

It’s the freedom that makes it so beautiful. 

She made people feel, 

Feel exhilarated, 

Feel ecstatic, 

Feel euphoric. 

But she made him feel found. 

Like a buoy bobbing through the vast ocean, he had nowhere to hold onto. 

Did you know that he nearly drowned out there by himself? 

But the security in her eyes and the purity in her heart were enough to pull him out. 

Love isn’t always pretty though. 

On the contrary, sometimes it can be reckless and messy, and it makes you long for the time from before. 

But then again that’s what makes it love.

Jessie, that was beautiful. I just, I—I don’t know what to say. 

You don’t have to say anything. But please know that you are needed and loved. It might be selfish, but I need you. And just so you know, I would follow suit if you ended it all. 

C’mon Jess you can’t say that. 

I don’t care; you know it’s true. I told you already, Leah. I just want you to be happy and I would give the world for you to have that. You deserve it. And I know I am about to make an already hard goodbye even harder, but I have to say it. I love you, Leah. 

Jessie I – I wanna say it back because I feel it too, but I can’t. I don’t

wanna let you down someday. 

You could never let me down; I will be here for you. No matter what the future holds. If you want me, I’m yours. 

Alrighty folks, visitation hours are up! Get your goodbyes and hugs in now and please proceed to the check-out desk. 

Jessie don’t go. Please. I can’t take saying goodbye again. I’m going home, I don’t know when I’m gonna see you again. It could be months, who knows? 

Hey no more crying alright? Don’t worry about that. Focus on getting better. I told you already, just say the word and I’m gone but until then I’m going to be by your side. 

Sorry to interrupt Jessie, but did you not hear the announcement? Time is up. 

Sorry about that Nurse Carroll, I’m heading out now. Goodbye Leah, I love you. 

Goodbye Jessie.

------ 

And that is the story of how I knew that this man standing in front of me today truly loved and cared for me, even back then. And I was right. Here we are five years later through better and through worse, in sickness and in health; you’ve truly stood by my side. 

We have laughed, cried, smiled, and fought. We have faced many challenges and battles. We have become hardened and weathered from holding the storm at bay; and yet, we have also made each other laugh so hard that I fell off my chair in an Olive Garden and got us kicked out. 

Ha-ha, I appreciate the laughs! That’s a story for another day. 

Jessie, when I look into your gorgeous green eyes, I am so thankful to be able to call you my husband, to see you become the father of our children, and to grow old by your side taking care of you as you took care of me that day in the hospital. I couldn’t imagine a more perfect day to exchange vows and marry the man of my dreams.

I love you, Jessie.