A travel in time

When Emma learned about the death of her mother, she didn’t feel sadness. Or rage. Maybe a little bit of regret, but not right away. The relationship she had with her was complicated. She was grateful for being born – she had a good life, exactly as she wanted it, but she had also missed a lot because her mother was not in it. For years, a lot of questions tormented her, but she was never able to search for the answers she needed. Part of her didn’t want to dwell on a person that never chose her. But the pain haunted her sometimes – a void she would never be able to fill, especially now. Perhaps that was the reason she changed her mind, but she was too strong headed to admit it to anyone, herself included.  

Emma knew little of her mother, Sophia, but she knew enough to hate her. Her father had told her about how she gave birth to her and after a while, she disappeared. She never said goodbye, didn’t leave a note. At least, if she did, Emma would have something to hold on to. All she had was that bitter feeling at the pit of her stomach every time she thought of her. Her father had raised her well, he taught her manners, he paid for her education and continued to support her now that she was in college. Financially, they were doing okay. It was the emotional part that was challenging.  

Not only had she been deprived of motherly love for her whole life but she also had no idea about the reason of her disappearance. She supposed that by now, if Sophia wanted to find her, she would have long ago. Emma grew to be self-dependent, a little temperamental and more careful with her feelings than she should. She was also kind and brilliant, disciplined and honest, a quick thinker but also impulsive. She knew that some of these traits belonged to her father, but she also wondered if the rest were hers and hers alone, or if she shared them with her mother. 

Her father rarely talked about Sophia but he’d given Emma some pictures she had of her. Sophia had bright brown eyes and long auburn hair, which she had always been jealous of. Emma had been stuck with her father’s dark eyes and hair, but at least she had her aquiline nose and dimples. Emma wished her father would share more about the Sophia he knew, before she left. She thought that if she could understand her mother better, maybe she would understand why she’d left.  

Emma spent a lot of time feeling sorry for herself but when she focused a lot on that feeling, she thought of her father. She had grown up without a mother, which was terrible, but her father had been abandoned by the love of his life, with the duty of raising their daughter solely in his hands. She couldn’t even imagine how horrible that must have been and how he still went on without her. He tried constantly to fill the gap Emma was feeling and she took more care of her than he did himself. Of the many things Emma blamed her mother for, this was also one of them.  

She had no love for her mother, a practical stranger, but for all her life, she had an itch to love her and be loved by her. Even as she grew older, she would dream of her coming back to her family but now Emma knew that she’d had a choice, and it was neither her father nor her. However, she had a choice now and it wasn’t choosing her mother, not quite, but close. She was offered the opportunity of ten minutes with her, and although it would never be enough, it would satisfy her curiosity, at the very least.

Emma didn’t know why her mother had never visited but she knew that her egoism and pettiness had stopped her from looking for Sophia. Well, not anymore. She could find out the truth now, even if she couldn’t get all the answers. Those were all the thoughts that were running through her head as she held the time machine in her hand. 

‘Ready?’ she was asked by the stranger. 

All Emma could do was nod before she pressed her hand on it.  

‘Remember, ten minutes only.’ was the last thing she heard before white light flashed around her.

Instantly, she felt her body move, not just her parts but her insides, too. Time-traveling was scary and dangerous, but she felt brave and determined. The only thing that unnerved her was the place she would land on. The stranger told her she only had to think of the place and the time she wanted to go to. In a heartbeat, Emma had chosen to go back seven years ago on her sixteenth birthday.  

She found herself on the place her parents met, her mother’s favorite park. Emma was certain she would find her there, but she was still shocked when she caught a glimpse of the hair she’d always envied, dancing in the chilly wind of early spring.

Sophia was sitting on a bench a few feet from her with her back turned so she hadn’t spotted her yet. Emma wasn’t certain if she would recognize her or not. Suddenly, all the scripts she had thought of and planned vanished from her mind. The moment her mother’s eyes landed on Emma’s; she knew exactly who she was. All Emma could do was inch closer, until they were centimeters apart.  

The first thing she noticed was the way the sunlight danced in her brown eyes, bringing out yellow stripes in them. Clearly the photos hadn’t done her enough justice, but she would never have believed that unless she saw it for herself. The second thing that caught her attention was the way her mother’s lips curved into a smile which she hadn’t expected. 

‘Emma.’ she said as her slender eyes welled up.  

Sophia seemed to be struggling – she got up and took a step towards her, tried for a hug, then back down again. Emma didn’t make any movements, she wasn’t certain if she wanted to be touched by her, at least not yet. 

‘Sit.’ Sophia patted the bench on the empty place next to hers. 

All Emma could do was comply, that was the whole point of her visit, to get closer to her. Yet, she felt like her mother was so far away from her, so far out of reach, and a feeling of lostness creeped up. Maybe she was overwhelmed, maybe a little awed, too. She didn’t know where to start, which questions to ask first, which answers to avoid. She definitely wouldn’t tell her that in seven years she would be dead and Emma begging her to come back was out of the question. That had to be Sophia’s choice and Sophia’s alone. 

Emma sat down and took a moment to look around the park she’d heard about but had never been to, until now. Green canopy trees covered the whole area while butterflies were swaying among their leaves and the blooms of the bushes on the ground. Children could be heard playing and singing all around with their families resting close-by. She felt a pang in her chest, then, for the lack of memories like this one. Hatred crept up but she didn’t unleash it yet. She didn’t know whether she would. 

‘So, this is where you met dad.’ Emma forced herself to say. 

‘Yes.’ her mother said, breathless. ‘I remember it like yesterday, it was the first week of September, the fifth. Nineteen ninety-eight.’ she smiled. 

Emma couldn’t understand how such a person who remembered these details would give up everything. She could comprehend if she seemed indifferent but the look in her eyes and the soft smile on her lips showed care. She also couldn’t ignore the dimples on her cheeks when her lips turned up, in a distinctive way like hers did. Emma hated how much she saw herself in her mother, she never wanted to be like her, not ever. But maybe it was inevitable, she’d always been scared of that possibility. Maybe she had come here to prove herself wrong. 

‘You remember stuff.’ she said with as much acid as she hoped came out. 

‘I do. Of course I do.’ Sophia looked hurt almost. She clutched her hands tighter and focused her gaze there. ‘I gave birth to you sixteen years ago, but you look so much older now, like a woman. You remind me of myself.’ her mother looked her in the eyes then. 

‘I’m nothing like you.’ she retorted, even if she knew that this was not what Sophia meant. She crossed her arms. 

‘You’re half-like me.’ Sophia smiled, maybe she knew that she was losing her daughter, but she couldn’t lose her no more than when she abandoned her. 

‘I would never leave my daughter behind. Ever.’ she replied. Before Sophia could answer, she added ‘I just want to know why.’

That was all she ever wanted to know. She couldn’t believe that she’d spent so long in her life, not knowing the reason her mother had left her. She was sure she was able to accept any scenario, as long as it was true. Even if Sophia said she just didn’t want her, she could live with that. Emma never needed Sophia, either. Maybe she needed a mother, but not this one. 

‘I just did what I thought was right.’ Sophia avoided her daughter’s eyes. She was gazing at the nature around them instead. ‘Whatever you think you know, it can’t be close to the truth.’  

Emma could tell Sophia was angry. But what reason did she have? She was not the one who grew up without a mother and even if she did, she should have known better than to do the same thing to her own child. Emma could thank her mother for that, at least. She would always think of Sophia as an example not to follow. 

‘I don’t have many minutes left.’ Emma said as she looked at her watch. Her patience was thinning, also. ‘Tell me why you left me or don’t waste my time.’  

Sophia took a deep breath, but she spoke rather quickly after that. ‘Your father,’ she started, ‘he accused me of ... stuff.’ 

‘What stuff?’ 

Sophia couldn’t be certain that her daughter would understand, but she’d come all the way to the past just to visit her and get some answers. She had left her then, but she could give her something valuable now.

‘I must be dead by now, right?’ she said. ‘Or else you wouldn’t have bothered.’ Her tone wasn’t accusing, just matter-of-factly.

Emma was forbidden from altering the past, she knew the consequences. She was a nerd when it came to science-fiction, after all. Although, that wasn’t the reason she couldn’t admit it to her mother. 

‘It’s okay. I have been sick for a while now.’ Sophia somehow managed to smile. And it seemed sincere. She must have come to terms with her illness by then. 

‘I’m sorry.’ was all Emma said. She wished she could say more but she didn’t know what. She could hate her mother all she wanted but that didn’t make her cruel.  

‘That’s not the only reason I left you.’ she admitted. She took a deep breath and continued ‘Your father, he's more cruel than you think. Vengeful. He framed me for drug abuse and trafficking.’ 

Emma’s mouth fell open. There was no way Sophia was telling the truth. Her kind-hearted father, vengeful? It wasn’t like him to do things like that, let alone to the love of his life and his daughter’s mother. 

‘I know what you’re thinking. I used to think that way too, but there is no reason for me to lie, not now.’  

All her life, Emma’s head had been swirling with different questions and possibilities of her mother’s disappearance. This had never occurred to her. Besides, she was in disbelief. The love she had for her father had never blinded her before but she was starting to wonder if it was blinding her now.

Sophia’s face turned more sympathetic now but she could see the rage behind. The onlyt thing that her father had told her about Sophia was that she was a pathological liar, and they were better off without her. Now Emma was torn. A million more questions swam in her head and she knew that she would never find the truth. All hope that she had was gone. Who should she believe? 

‘That doesn’t make any sense.’ she said. 

‘I get that. But you have to believe me. Your father put a restraining order against me, there was no way for me to reach you. All I could do was wait for you.’ Sophia teared up. 

Emma had never understood until now that she needed a hug from her mother, at least once in her life. It wasn’t a want, but a need her body had. A need that had never been satisfied before. No matter what she believed, her mother was breaking down in front of her. It wasn’t like Emma to sit back and enjoy the pain Sophia was enduring.

Her legs had already made the decision before her mind did. She got up and put her arms around her mother, for the first time. Sophia hugged her back instantly. It wasn’t natural between them, but it was something. A mother-daughter hug long overdue. Emma could feel something inside her mending, and she could tell her mother needed that as much as she did. 

Her mother whispered in her ear the last words Emma would ever hear from her. ‘Avenge me.’ 

Time’s up.