The Remote Connection

*This story contains multiple trigger warnings including Mental Health, Substance Abuse, Physical Violence and Abuse, as well as Suicidal Thoughts.*

To me, these men saved my life. The summer of 2013 was indeed one of the hardest times of my life. I was ten years old and my life couldn’t possibly get worse. My mother and I lived in our family’s basement, sharing our space with a large pantry and utility room. We had no privacy to speak of, for a ten-year-old child you might see how this was unnerving. 

My uncle an abusive drunk who did nothing but hurl insults and slurs. My aunt of which constantly called me obese. An older female cousin who tortured me physically. And lastly, my sweet old Nana who was paralyzed on her left side. These were the people whom we shared a home with. It wasn’t horrible, I could always think of worse situations to be in. Out on the street cuddled in a tent with my mom, laying defenseless in a homeless shelter. There could always be something worse. My mom was a great support for me when she wasn’t trying to get high off of meth. She was always there to defend me when our family would hurt me, but they would hurt her in turn too. 

Bored one weekend I decided to scroll a bit through YouTube, as a ten-year-old child would do back then. Getting comfy and rolled up in blankets in a hallway closet, I took my hand-me-down phone to cure my boredom. Suddenly I scrolled past an interesting video thumbnail. It was a music video from a Korean boy band. At the time I couldn’t pronounce their name so I didn’t even try. But the song was called “We Are Bulletproof pt2” and I thought to myself ‘Where is “We Are Bulletproof pt1”?’ But I watched the video anyway. I thought it was so silly how these boys were dancing and it brought a smile to my face. I was left with so many questions, “Why are they all wearing black and gold? Where did they learn how to dance? Is that one guy’s real name Rap Monster? What language are they speaking?” Needless to say, I was intrigued and dove in to research them. 

After hours of research and resurfacing from my rabbit hole, I found some answers. The boy band was called “방탄소년단” which in Korean translates to “Bulletproof Boy Scouts” so they went by BTS for short. Which was easier for me to pronounce back then. The group consisted of 7 members: Jin, Suga, J-Hope, Rap Monster, Jimin, V, and Jungkook. I couldn’t tell who was who but I didn’t care. They seemed like really fun people. Even though I didn’t know what they were saying in their songs, for some reason they just spoke to me. It felt as if someone had truly seen me, like I wasn’t invisible anymore even though I had never met these people in real life. 

I decided to keep up with this group over the next few years. It was fun. The more I found out about them, the more attached to them I felt. I would talk about them endlessly to my mom, trying desperately to get her attention. Over time she got so annoyed with me she decided to look them up, and sure enough she started to share my interest. Finally, there was something my mom and I could bond over. I was so happy that I almost forgot about our situation at home. 

2 years later and now in 2015, I’m 12 years old and I am invincible. At least that’s what I wanted people outside the house to think. But as I got older the abuse from my family grew more aggressive. With multiple burns from cigarette butts, a “slimming” diet being forced on me, and a broken heart there wasn’t much in the world I felt strongly to live for. Every day I had a mountain of household chores dumped on me, and if I hadn’t finished them in a timely fashion or if I didn’t have family dinner prepared at a certain time, the punishments and insults only got worse. They found my hiding place and I wasn’t allowed anywhere near it anymore. I honestly thought that my family loved me and their actions meant they cared for me. But at the same time I could feel that it was wrong, on the inside I knew that family wasn’t meant to treat each other that way. Or at least, that’s not how Disney families treated each other. My mom was still there though, she got clean too. She was trying to keep it a secret but she was trying to get us both into a housing program, where we would be far away from our family. 

While the abuse continued the only light in my life was the boy band BTS. The members would do these cute little live streams where they would interact with fans. It was in one of these live streams where a fan had commented, telling the band about their hardship, how school was hard and they thought about taking their own life. It was here where the band members had encouraged this fan, telling them that there was so much to live for in life, so many beautiful things and people. And there was always BTS, one of the members, Rap Monster, had said “If we could reduce your pain from 100 to 99, 98, or just 97, then our existence is worth it” and for some reason, those words stuck to me like glue. I felt again as if someone out there truly saw me like they took a look into my soul and understood the pain that lay there. Because I too wanted to take my own life. Save myself the misery of living one more day. But I told myself that if Rap Monster and the whole BTS group were going to put in the effort to make me smile, then I wouldn’t waste their effort. 

I became even more obsessed with the group. Their music, their dancing, their words. Everything made sense to me, even if we didn’t speak the same language. But one day the pain at home became unbearable. My uncle had come home from work and noticed that I hadn’t finished my household cleaning. He grew ballistic, grabbing me by the collar and throwing me across the room with his rage. Beating me to the point of gasping for breath. I lay on the floor sobbing, thinking later that night when I could stand up again, I would walk into the kitchen, take a knife, and finish myself. As I lay there plotting my scheme BTS popped into my mind. I felt miserable at the thought of leaving them behind. I felt so sad that I might not hear anymore of their songs, sad that I wouldn’t see any more live streams, sad that I wouldn’t get to laugh and giggle with them while they played silly games. But enough was enough, I couldn’t take any more of this hurt. 

It turns out that I wasn’t able to move from my lame spot for hours, late afternoon had turned to evening, and evening had turned into wee morning hours. It didn’t matter very much, I knew what I was going to do and no one could stop me. But as I approached the kitchen I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, that I wanted to hear a song from BTS, just one last time. Before I had ended everything. Somehow I had convinced my body to pull away from the kitchen and head to the family computer, everyone was asleep at this point and no one would see me. I scrolled through my options even though I knew which song I would choose. My favorite song was “I Need U”. The chorus was catchy and it was something easy to listen to. But what I wasn’t expecting was the captions of the song to be turned on. Automatically translating the Korean song into small English text underneath. 

This was the first time I paid any mind to the lyrics of the songs. Up to this point, I didn’t really care, it was simply something quirky and fun that I loved. But reading the English translation for the first time made me put thought into them. Some lyrics that stood out to me were “My life’s ruined all because of you I’m so done with it, I don’t want you anymore, why do I love you and try to forget you when I know you don’t care” Now I know some of the lyrics don’t even relate to me but the parts that did stick out like a sore thumb. In the music video for this song, all of the band members are portrayed going through hardships yet at the very end they all find each other and support one another. I was envious. I wanted to be with them, I would give anything to be with those people. Laughing and playing so carelessly together. 

It was at this point that I told myself that would be my inspiration. A brand new goal that I had for myself. Instead of the only goal in mind being to survive the night, I would dedicate myself to meeting these people. I would do anything and everything to simply be in the same room as them. I decided to live. I decided to keep fighting for myself and my life. And so I did. I used apps and books to learn the Korean language, to better understand them. Soon my mom got us accepted into a housing program where we would be safe. And from that time I have lived my life in thanks to BTS. 

I’ve grown up quite a bit since then but I still love them. Being 21 now and navigating through life on my own, I have got to experience so many different things and learn to truly appreciate things in life. All because the world didn’t end when I was 12, or when I was 15, or when I was 19. I have found a life partner who listens to my story and doesn’t show me pity, yet they uplift and support me. I have made lifelong friends that I couldn’t see my day-to-day life without. I have joined a community of like-minded individuals who don’t judge me for liking this band. Who understands the reason why I love them so much, why I feel like they truly did save me back then. So while I have never encountered the Korean boy band BTS in person they truly did change my life forever. 

“Life is tough and things don’t always work out well, but we should be brave and go on with our lives.” -Suga of BTS.