Love May Cause Hyperhydrosis

Lomax is sweating through his thermals before he even arrives at the restaurant. He needs tonight to go perfectly. When he spots Aleisha from across the crowded room, he waves without lifting his arm too high and shoots her a nervous smile. She returns serve with a warm toothy grin, then pokes her tongue out.

As Lomax approaches the table, the moustachioed waiter pulls back his chair and tucks him in firmly. Aleisha thanks the waiter as he pours them water, before hastily retreating to the bustling kitchen.

Lomax opens his menu, barely noticing that Aleisha is dolled up to the max: she is wearing makeup, elegant jade earrings and a flattering new burgundy dress. Uncharacteristically flashy for a woman who would happily go out to shopping malls in her pyjamas and would rarely comb her hair unless anyone short of a monarch was visiting. She pours him some sparkling wine, as Lomax manages a reflexive, half-uttered thank you. Aleisha playfully taps her foot against his shin underneath the table, then tries to engage him in conversation.

"How was your day, gorgeous? Been up to much?"

Lomax mentally revisits practicing his speech a thousand times in front of a mirror since 5am that day. He searches his internal database for a better answer.

"You know, just chilling."

Alicia giggles at this hideous attempt to sound nonchalant. She can see straight through the façade of her chronically anxious boyfriend. Lomax takes a sip of water to calm his nerves.

"What about you?", he asks dutifully.

“This and that. Caught up with Melanie for brunch and then went to the climbing gym. After that, I just shopped for the essentials and ran some errands.” She suppresses a wink, feigning that she simply has something stuck in her eye.

“That sounds nice.”

He is not listening intently, so he hopes there's not a quiz later.

The waiter returns to arrange some high-quality, lavender-scented napkins over the couple’s laps. Aleisha makes a passing comment about how fancy this place is. Lomax proceeds to rub his brow and tap his shoe under the table at a frenetic tempo. With a fork in hand, he adds some clanks to his one-man band performance. At the crescendo of the piece, Alicia gently grabs his hand to still him. She gives him the ‘Are you okay?’ look.

It occurs to Lomax that this is not the ideal location to pose the question. Maybe if he orders a ton of food and keeps his mouth busy eating, his slippery tongue won't reveal his intentions too early. Aleisha pushes her hair back and tries to lock eyes with Lomax. No dice. He is off with the fairies, so she instead peruses the menu for what she wants and then scrolls on her phone for a while.

The enormous diversionary meal begins rolling out, and Aleisha stares at him dotingly even as he devours the hot wings, spilling sauce everywhere.

Later, the pair step out onto the street to call a cab. In the open-air Lomax notes that the tsunami of sweat has now spread all the way through his yellow Paisley shirt; seeping up as far as his collar; and conversely down his back, inching its way towards his butt-crack. He would take his jacket off if he didn't have something important stowed away in the pocket.

Aleisha adjusts the straps on her heels, then darts a glance into her handbag. She reapplies her lipstick discretely. Another cab speeds past them. Lomax is getting fiercely impatient, checking his watch every few seconds now. Suddenly, a lavish rickshaw appears on the curb, led by a pristine white horse. The driver, a jolly bearded man with the countenance of Santa Claus; but the trim waistline of Jesus; beckons them to hop in.

“Isn’t this amazing? I’ve always wanted to ride in one of these!”

Aleisha shrieks with delight.

While they clip-clop towards the apartment, the city lights glint all around them. Moonlight bounces off the many puddles on the cobblestone sidewalk, a glorious reminder of the sun-shower which Lomax had ignored earlier that day. The jolly bearded man begins whistling the tune to Yellow by Coldplay. This makes Aleisha giddy because it was ‘their song’.

“So, what do you want to do when we get home?”

Lomax knows the answer coming but asks anyway.

“I dunno, maybe watch a movie.”

She wraps her arm around him and shuffles in closer.

Aleisha flinches slightly at his potent mix of body odour and excessive cologne. Her own fragrance is an enchanting floral concoction, which, combined with the skin-to-skin contact, briefly snaps Lomax out of his bewildered state. He kisses her on the head affectionately, before tensing up when he realises that they are almost at the final destination.

They pull up outside the modest complex. Lomax tips the driver, who tilts his hat graciously. The driver shakes the reigns as the rickshaw peels off into the night, with his persistent whistling fading away on the breeze.

The wine buzz has caught up with Aleisha now, as she stumbles to regain her balance. Lomax on the other hand, is now laser focused. Despite having drunk twice as much as her, he is sobered by the mission at hand.

Aleisha tip toes across the grass frontage. As she transitions to the gravelled footpath, she shooshes Lomax; waggling her pointer finger in jest over her glossy mouth. Lomax takes her hand and leads her to the doorway. He would never know that deep down Aleisha wished he had offered to carry her just once; even a piggy-back would have sufficed.

When they reach the threshold, he fumbles blindly for his keys. Once inside, they go through the familiar hallway ritual of deciding who is more desperate to use the toilet first. A delicate dance which inevitably ends in her conceding that he will be quicker.

“Hurry up though!”

Her hazel eyes twinkle as she pushes him through the bathroom door.

After peeing for what seems like an eternity, Lomax turns to assess himself in the mirror. His disheveled mop of russet hair is soaked to the roots. He doesn’t bother to try and tame it. He is now officially more sweat than man. His feet are slugs swimming in a swamp of socks, which in turn are engulfed by an ocean of mid-range leather shoes. Even his jacket is not spared. The flash cards contained within are melting, causing the ink of the handwritten notes to smudge beyond repair.

“Did you fall in?”

Aleisha’s voice bounces across the hallway, returning him from the brink of the void.

“Almost done!”

Lomax shreds the paper into fragments and tosses them at the miniature bin. A few shards miss the mark and land on the cold, bleak tiles.

When they have both done their business, they retreat to the bedroom, which greets them with a visual spectacle. The usual clothes pile in the corner has vanished. The bed is made with fresh sheets, topped with a lilac bedspread. Rose petals are scattered around the room and candles adorn every available surface. Aleisha beams proudly as Lomax sits beside her on the edge of the bed.

“What are you thinking about?”

She cups his face with a delicate hand and strokes behind his ear, eager for some reciprocation.

He bolts upright in response like he’s been shot out of a gun, and starts pacing.

“You know how much I love you, Leesh”.

He catches her nodding in his periphery as she tries to track his erratic movements.

“The thing is, I’ve been waiting for the right time to ask you something.”

The steam train is in full motion now and nothing will stop him.

“It’s just really hard for me to find the right words, you know?”

Lomax is facing the door now, with his back to her completely.

As he turns around, the world grinds to a halt. His mouth moves in slow motion, as he clocks that Aleisha is now kneeling on one knee. She is holding up a small black box towards him with a hopeful expression painted across her face.

“Do you want to break up?”, he stammers.

A moment later, Aleisha’s eyes fill up with recognition, followed by shock, and then finally tears. She remains frozen in that knelt position, resembling a newly crowned knight on the cusp of receiving the sword. Lomax is also caught in limbo, reeling from the brutal recoil of shooting her down at her most vulnerable. He staggers backwards, colliding with the door knob.

How could he have been so oblivious? The restaurant had been her idea. The rickshaw was no coincidental encounter. The flowers, the candles; she had planned it all down to the letter. His feverish fugue had blinded him from seeing the signs.

Lomax crumbles to the floor beside her. He tries to place a comforting hand on her shoulder, but she shrugs him off; instantly re-animated from her lifeless state. The ring box slips through her grasp and lands with a mild thud onto the carpet. Her eyes say ‘How could you?’, but her mouth whispers:

“How could I be so stupid?”

Lomax picks up the box but doesn’t dare open it. He closes his eyes to block out the pain. Aleisha finds her feet and exits the arena, floundering towards the relative safe-zone of the bathroom. Lomax does not follow in pursuit. She crawls her way to the toilet bowl, resisting the urge to vomit. From this vantage point she notices the strips of paper strewn across the floor. As she reads them, she too feels torn to shreds.

‘Not a good fit’

‘Hope we can stay frie-’

‘your fault’

Lomax remains immobilised in the bedroom, awaiting the sound of a slamming door. Instead, he hears a gentle click, followed by the crunch of gravel.

The taxi headlights flood through the window, refracting off Aleisha's jade earrings, left discarded on the bedside table. Once the glow dissipates, Lomax tosses away the petals and blows out the candles.