The Dark Before the Light

       There is a moment, just before the sun breaks through the velvet curtain of the night, when the world seems to stand still. A moment when the darkness hangs heavy with anticipation of the approaching threat of the sun. The stillness of surrender, a final breath before being chased across the expanse of the sky before being extinguished completely by the light. Adelie finds herself holding her own breath as the sky begins to shift, the stars already beginning to fade in the horizon.

             Adelie lets her breath out slowly as the forest around her releases its own with a cool breeze that whisps and curls through the leaves. She closes her eyes for a moment to listen as the forest comes alive around her. She breathes deep as the scent of the earth fills her lungs. She can see the dewdrops in her mind, as they settle on thin blades of grass. She can picture the roots of the old oak tree half a mile behind her as it stretches lazily out of the damp mud, carving out an arch through the air before settling back into the earth. She can sense the wildlife waking up around her before the sun has even had a chance to touch the sky.

Adelie opens her eyes and peers out across the lake, she allows the surreal tranquility of this place to wrap itself around her. For the first time in months, she feels calm, the stillness within her matching the cool autumn morning. She feels good. It has been a while since she has been able to say that. She feels Elan’s arms tighten warmly around her waist as she rests her head snug against his shoulder. She can feel his breath slowing to match her own. The rhythmic beating of his heart tapping gently against her back.

             Elan’s deep voice nestles softly among the sounds of the forest as it breaks through the silence, “Do you ever wonder why the night sky seems so much deeper than the sun-lit sky?” She notes the quiet distance in his tone and tilts her head slightly to listen.

             “There seems to be so much more darkness than there is light.” She can hear the strain in his voice with this, but there is no tension in his body as he continues his train of thought.

“Even the stars seem trapped in its web.” Adelie remains silent.

“Going far beyond our atmosphere, even. Behind the brightest, bluest sky, is this…” He gestures to the star-speckled sky above with his hand before allowing his arm to drape across her chest.  

“Like dropping an orb into the ocean’s abyss. This dark space is still all around, swallowing the light.” His arm refuses to fully relax in its place.

Adelie’s hands trace a gentle path through the air to rest on his forearm, squeezing slightly, allowing their warmth to spread across his cool skin. Her own offering of light against the darkness of his own thoughts. She allows the silence to hang in the air for a moment, considering his meaning before she speaks.

“The darkness may be expansive… I’ll give you that. It even seems to overshadow the stars and moon’s ability to truly illuminate the sky…” She lets the words trail off.

“But…” Elan offers when she doesn’t continue. Adelie smirks but keeps this out of her voice when she responds.

“But in fact, I must argue that the only advantage the darkness holds is it’s quantity, because darkness itself holds no real power.”

             Adelie feels Elan’s jaw shift against her temple, and she can tell that he is smiling.

“Ok, I’ll bite. How do you figure?” His genuine curiosity is now laced with amusement. Adelie feels relief as his focus shifts.

             “You speak of darkness as though it is a being, but darkness is not a tangible thing. You can’t capture it. You can’t control it. Can’t manipulate it...” She allows her fingertips to graze the skin of Elan’s forearm to illustrate her point. His warm skin prickles with the contact but he remains still.

             “Darkness only exists in the absence of light.” Adelie lets this thought hang in the air around them. Elan’s arm relaxes as his own fingers begin to draw absent lines against her shoulder. He is deep in thought.

             “But striking a match in a dark room is only temporary relief from the dark… The flame can’t exist for more than a minute or so before being consumed by the darkness.” Something in his voice has changed. He is loosening now, enjoying the debate.

             “Ah, but we are no longer cave men agonizing over a dying flame. We are far more advanced than that… And consuming, is it? What a monster you have crafted out of the dark!” Elan is laughing now and wraps his arms tightly around her before planting a kiss on her temple.

Another gust of wind interrupts the air around them and Elan pulls the blanket around them. She traces the edge of the wool before allowing her focus to trail back to the lake, where a different sky is breaking open in front of them.

“Maybe your night sky seems all-consuming, but this…” She allows her words to be lost to the wind. The sky is changing from black, to purple, to a brilliant red just above the first glimpse of the sun climbing out of the horizon. The sky is illuminating more by the second now as they sit in peaceful silence, observing the sky being remade in front of their eyes. It appears to be a slate wiped clean as the rising light erases every star in the sky, leaving the last traces of darkness to scatter to other hiding places.

The brilliance of the fresh morning sky is breathtaking. The colors are so overwhelming that they seem to hold a power all their own. A power so much stronger than the deepest despair found in the abyss of an endless night sky.

Elan’s quiet whisper almost seems out of place as it breaks through the silent symphony of colors, “Maybe that’s why there’s a moon in the sky every night.” Adelie is confused by this stark contrast.

“How can you even think of the moon when this is in front of you?” Adelie asks.

“Exactly that… Perhaps the moon was planted in the night sky to offer a little light to get us through the dark… to remind us that this is coming.” He nods towards the ruby orange expanse in front of them, then continues.

“A light in the darkness to remind us that another chance, a new beginning is coming.” He breathes, already sounding lighter as if the sun’s presence had also chased away the shadows of his own mind. Adelie felt her heart tighten as a hollow space unfurls in her stomach.

Adelie steals a glimpse of his face in the brilliant red light of this new day. He looks weary. She can see the hollow of his cheeks. The place around his eyes where the skin is beginning to pull like a weight at the corners. But his eyes. She looks closer to see that they are holding something different today. Hope. The round wonder makes him seem younger, despite the worn skin around them. She touches his cheek then and Elan rests into her palm. She can feel the muscles of his jaw tighten to form a soft smile. The creases form at the corner of his eyes as he turns suddenly to face her, his look is soft but intent.

Elan reaches a hand to cradle her face with a tenderness that almost hurts. “I love you,” he whispers softly against her mouth. He presses his lips gently to hers as the warmth spreads to her entire body. A tear slides down her cheek as Adelie feels her heart crack into a million pieces inside her chest. She pulls away just enough to look into his eyes, their foreheads finding their way back to rest against each other. Elan brushes the tear away as she wonders silently. How much longer?  

Adelie looks back out over the lake. The sun seeming to come out of the water itself. She watches the same sky through a different lens as the brilliant rays of light metastasize across the land, seeming to tint everything it touches in a deep, almost crimson red. Adelie is becoming more aware of the outstretched arms of shadows reaching towards her from the bases of the trees that surround her.

“You two are going to be okay,” Elan says suddenly, breaking the spell.

“…What?” Adelie is confused, feeling herself slipping somehow.

“I have to leave you now.” Elan’s voice sounds clipped. It sounds wrong.

She turns quickly to find herself alone on the grass. Elan is gone. The warmth from the sunrise and his touch are gone. She feels cold as a pit forms in her stomach. Everything is wrong.

She feels herself yelling, “ELAN?”. Nothing.

“ELAN!!” Nothing.

Adelie opens her eyes with a sudden jolt. His name still sits in her mouth. She sits up suddenly, confused, taking in the surroundings. She sees the blanket under her. She feels the cool breeze of the night. The sunrise has gone. Or rather, the sunrise has not happened yet. She sees the dark sky once again. The stars have returned to taunt her. Adelie feels disoriented as the weight of reality settles around her. He is gone. Elan is gone.

She reaches a hand to touch her forehead, where she can still feel the warmth and weight of his face resting against hers. Her hand finds the tear that has slipped from the corner of her eye but catches it with her own hand this time. Her fingers wander down to touch her lips as another tear is released. The candle she had lit in his place has long ago gone out. He is truly gone.

The memories come now, unbridled. The first time they met at the café. Their first black-and-white movie date at the park, where he had first kissed her. His smile. The night he first told her that he loved her. His laugh. An impromptu camping trip after his father had died. They sat up all night talking until dawn, which started the tradition. Their first apartment. Their first dog. The wedding vows. The six years together. The fights. The tears they shared over the first of three miscarriages. The day he collapsed in their home. The day the doctor diagnosed his cancer. Stage 3. The attempt at hope. The treatment. The bad news. Stage 4. Their last trip to the lake. They had talked about their dreams as though they had a lifetime to see them through. One week later. Elan was gone.

Six months. Six months of pretending to be okay. Six months of living alone. Six months of life reinvented. Six months into the rest of her life without him. Adelie let the wave crash over her. She let the darkness swoop in and take her as she wept for him in this place. Their place, where they had shared their last good memory together. This lake. This spot. She had sat in this exact spot more times than she could count, but this was the first time she was doing it alone.

Adelie gathered herself together just then, feeling certain there were no more tears left inside of her. A cool breeze billowed through the trees. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with the green scent of spring. The scent of new life beginning all around her and through her drying tears, she smiled.

She opened her eyes to look at the lake and felt a strange comfort in knowing the same water that held six years of memories, stared back at her now. The night was so still that the water looked like a black sheet of glass. The stars scattered in a perfect mirrored reflection across the surface, making its depth seem impossibly infinite. Adelie moved her gaze to the giant orb that seemed to be floating in the middle. A light in the darkness. She moved her hand to rest gently on her swollen belly and felt a light shift in response. To remind us that another chance, a new beginning is coming.